New guy here...

New guy here...
J

Jaysen

Registrant
Hello, I'm new here, just joined this morning.

I've never done anything like this before, never had therapy, never spoke to anyone about anything so I thought it was about time.

Not real sure where to start so I'm going to do some reading and some looking around first.. get familiar with the place and maybe offer some support before I say anything about myself.

Thanks!
Jay
 
Welcome Jay. this is a good place, and many men have found support here. i know it helped me more than i can say.
 
Jay,

Welcome. Sounds like you have a good plan on how to procede. Just relax and take things at your own pace. We'll be here to be of encouragement and support when you're ready to talk about yourself, but do it when you're ready, not before, K?

Lots of love,

John
 
Thank you Phoster, good to know.

I've been really going off the deep end lately,
my friends, my family, my gf, my bf, pretty much everyone around me has noticed. I can't bring myself to tell anyone what the real reason is but I'm tired of making up excuses too.... I'm not sure what I'm afraid of.

Jay
 
no matter how much we dont talk about it, there are a lot of stygmas that go with this. people tend to draw very negative conclusions when someone comes out about being abused, or if they need therapy to get thier lives back on track. that is why you are afraid to tell in part. not to mention that after years of silence you have constructed a lot of walls that keep you silent. i can say in a large part your fears are worse than the reality of it. yes, some people can't handle it, but i found most people supportive and understanding. read around, you will find a lot of us got a lot of relief just by telling.
 
You're exactly right, I always wonder what people would really think of me if they knew.

When you say my fears are worse than the reality of it, that's probably true, but right now anyway I haven't even accepted that it happened yet. It may sound silly but I've always felt like once I start talking about it makes it real. As long as I stay in denial and keep quiet about it then it didn't happen. Make any sense?

Jay
 
i spent a lot of years just not thinking about it. i did such a good job of not thinking about it that i completely blocked it out for most of my life. funny how something you deny or worse choose to forget defines you every day of your life. you would think it is in the past, it doesnt mean anything now, but it does. it does because part of you gets trapped there. part of you never matured beyond that moment in time. that part fights and tries to understand, even when we arent totally aware it is even there. on the surface that struggle comes out as depression, self-esteem problems, and acting out. those are the things we feel more directly, and are usually what eventually become strong enough to drive us to look for answers. that is what led me here, after years of struggle.
 
Exactly true! I never even realized I had all these things going on until a good friend of mine mentioned something the other day. Really made me think and in that split second there it was, all came back at me bigtime, nearly knocked me down!

But you're right, it's the little things that I never even noticed, like how I always have to have a wall to my back when I'm in a room full of people, or how I like to be in control in any situation but I don't like to be the center of attention, or why I drink too much. Just a few examples.

I don't like to believe that this thing from my past defines who I am today... but it does, doesn't it?

Jay
 
it does, and it always will to extent. that doesnt have to be a bad thing though. this can also be a chance to learn to value your own strength. it is a chance to become a better person, and to become someone others value in thier lives. it is a chance to rise out of that mess and become a better person. that is what this place and all the therapy has brought to my life.
 
Jaysen,

Welcome to MS and as others have said, pace yourself and log in, read, post, reply or just think at whatever level is comfortable to you. This is not easy stuff to work thorihg but well worth it.

Heres my tip: have lots of tissues handy! :)
 
Thanks for the message Grunty.

Quite honestly at this point I'm not sure if it's worth it or not. I know I need to give it a chance, I just started trying to face this yesterday.

I really like living in denial-land. It's always sunny and warm, never any rain or snow lol

Jay
 
For me denial was anything but sunny and warm. it was more like gray all the time. i was depressed and didnt like myself very much. i can honestly say i love who i am now, and i am not depressed any more, so it was worth the pain of digging into all that stuff in the end. at points along the way when i went through bad times, i wasnt so sure though.
 
What do you know, I'm in denial about my denial!
Thanks again Phoster... and again you're right, it's easy to say that denial is a nice place while I'm 3 quarters of the way through a 30 pack!

I love hearing that you love who you are now, that gives me a lot of hope.

When you say at points along the way you went through some bad times, can you elaborate on that?

Thanks,
Jay
 
well, after Howard used hypnosis to help me revisit the path i went through a few very hard days. when i left his office, i was kind of numb, and when it set in, i cried and couldnt stop. it was hard reliving it, because the detail was so sharp. i could smell the pine needles, and feel them under my feet as i did this. i could feel his breath on my ear, and taste it when he kissed me. it was just too real.

another time, i was kind of stuck, and i thought i would never get any better. i was very angry at myself, and very confused.

one other, when i had actually kind of stripped away the old me. after living with a given self-image all my life, and to suddenly lose that, you feel lost in a way for a time until you establish a new you. i had thought of myself as this sick, perverted, evil dude my whole life. that was the person i thought i was, and when i no longer thought that, i ended up having to try and figure out a new definition of the person i am.
 
Thanks for explaining that, it all makes perfect sense.

A couple more questions if you don't mind...
How long did it take you to get there? Do you still have bad days? When you talk about the sharp details... how did you handle that?

Jay
 
i've been working on this for four years maybe five. i first sought therapy three years ago, and i am still working with a therapist, but now the issues seem less abuse related and more related to relearning how to relate to my wife and life in general.

yes, i have bad days. i'm not real good today, but the bad days arent so bad, and the amount of time i spend down isnt near what it used to be.

i guess i knew the details before. going back just allowed me to feel them more. i really dont know how i handled them. how do you handle any bad thing that happens? you just feel it, react however you need to, and move on. i dont recall being angry. i was sad mostly. it just hit me of how innocent i was, and how everthing in my life changed in that moment. i had to grieve for losing the person i might have been. it was just a very sad thing for me. i know others here feel more rage and anger. i guess it just depends on what you need to feel.
 
Thanks again.
I guess I was asking because sometimes that happens to me once in a while, major details hit me out of no where and it's so real.
 
i blocked it out for years. when it did come back, it all came flooding back at once. it was like a damn being opened. i remember i was replaying the memory i had, trying to figure out whether me, the pervert or my friend Jean had suggested we go into the bushes. then for the first time my memory replayed looking over her shoulder, and i saw a tall boy/man from the back. i remember actually gasping as the reality hit me that quick. the second i saw the back of his head, i knew what he had done to us. all these images flooded thru my mind. i dont think i could breathe there for awhile. i dont remember feeling much. i was numb and in shock. the images were like snapshots from an album, all out of order and broken up. in time, the first time it happened came to the surface, and as i remembered that other times slowly came up, including the rest of the one memory that had triggered it all. that day was the first day he lured the neighbor girl i played with into the bushes with us. all my life, i remembered being in the bushes with her. i thought i had done it. i thought i was the sick pervert that molested her, because i couldnt remember mat then. i guess i blocked it out because i couldnt handle the homosexual nature of it. i feared it, because i was afraid of even thinking i might be gay or something. you know how kids are. boys fear the 'fag' label. so my mind just chose to forget mat at some point.
 
Jaysen,

You have been getting a lot of really great input here. Keep asking your questions, as you feel able to do so.

My antennae went all aquiver at something you said:

I always wonder what people would really think of me if they knew.
Click to expand...
Jay, we have all gone through that one. Do you recognize it yourself? That's probably what kept you quiet as a boy: what will they all think of me, what if they don't believe me?

That's a good illustration of why it's so important to talk. When we talk about things we see them for what they are: fears we have carried through from childhood, that's all. You might feel ashamed, embarrassed, or whatever, and whatever it is a hundred guys here will say, yep, me too. But none of what happened was your fault or reflects badly on you. The kid is never to blame.

Much love,
Larry
 
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