New guy here...

New guy here...
B

bosshogg

New Registrant
I'm at my rope's end. It's the eve of my 22nd birthday and the weight of depression is crushing me. I hate my own birthday. Don't get me wrong... I have no problem partaking in the celebrations of others special days, but when mine rolls around, all I can think about is how I'll have to face another year with the horrific burden I've carried my whole life. It's because on my birthday, in addition to many other occasions for almost a whole year, I was sexually abused by a family friend at the age of 6-7.

Now I've read this forum on and off, and never really thought much of it. I never really thought I had a lot in common with most of you. I've read stories of people that have suffered such horrific abuse, and have pretty much had every facet of their lives/identities stolen from them. I figured that because my abuse happened when I was so young, I've pretty much 'dodged the bullet'. However, as time has come and passed, I've realized I'm oh so wrong. I have been depressed my entire life. I've always been good at suppressing it, and even blatantly ignoring it, but it doesn't change the fact that it's always been there.

I've always functioned normally (on the 'outside' anyway). I was always popular in high school, made good grades, had lots of friends, was always outgoing. I consider myself very intelligent, attractive, and outgoing, and so do most others. I live a high profile life. I won't get into details about it, but I'm involved in music/fashion/art and I'm constantly socializing/networking/conversing with dozens of people at any given moment. In addition to that, I'm on the verge of graduating with my Bachelors degree in December and I own my own business. I have the best group of friends anyone could ask for, and in terms of everything I've just described, I couldn't be more content. But despite everything I've accomplished for myself, I still feel cripplingly depressed. I think about killing myself constantly. I can barely get out of bed in the morning and I stay up to ungodly hours at night... so much so that I'm late for EVERYTHING--work, school, social gatherings, etc. I suffer from extreme anxiety and mood swings. But nobody knows. Nobody even has a clue. Everyone thinks I'm the outgoing, fun-loving, charistmatic guy that I purport myself to be. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The person that lives inside of me is empty--cold and without emotion. My CSA is eating me alive. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about it, and it gets worse every day. I have no recollection of my childhood apart from the abuse. Ask me anything about my childhood... I couldn't tell you shit. But things have gotten to the point where I can't even act like it doesn't bother me anymore... people are actually starting to notice. My demeanor has changed in the past few months, all in part to a crushing break-up I suffered with a girl I was in love with. I've never had a real relationship with a woman. Sex has always been a touchy issue for me due to, obviously, my abuse and the fact that I grew up in a strict Catholic home where everyone lives in denial about everything... especially sex. But I love women. I love everything about them. I've had a handful of girlfriends, had sex a a few times, and loved everything about it. But sometimes I hook up with a girl and I just freeze. I literally can't function. I fall the fuck apart. The last girl I dated, who I was absolutely head over heels in love with, I couldn't even bring myself to 'seal the deal' with her. I was deathly afraid to have sex with her because I felt such a strong emotional connection to her. She eventually broke up with me, and then I told her about my issues due to the abuse I suffered. We don't talk anymore.

Since then (4 months ago), I've felt dead inside. It's getting to the point where I can't concentrate on anything... and this is disastrous. I have so much going on that needs my attention. I'm falling behind at work, in school, and all the other stuff I'm involved in because I can't concentrate on shit else. I lay in my bed and cry at night. The worst thing of all is people have noticed and ask me "what's wrong?" all the damn time, but what the hell am I supposed to say? "I was raped as a child and I'm having issue dealing with it?" Yeah right.

I've never been in therapy, but I'm starting to believe I really need it now. But I don't know who to turn to. Where to start? How does one go about seeking help?

To worsen things, a girl that I'm really close with has just revealed that she's in love with me. We've always liked each other, and have been honest about it with one another in the past, but she now wants to pursue a relationship with me. I really like her... I see myself falling in love with this girl actually. But I'm just so fucked up right now. I don't wanna dump my burden on her. I'm very cold and distant to her, and I feel as though I might lose her if this keeps up. I don't know what the fuck to do. Do I tell her? Fuck if I know. All I know is I really like her and want to be with her, but this shit is consuming me right now and intimacy with a girl is the last thing I wanna deal with. I also care about her as a friend, and don't wanna dump my problems off on her.

I promised myself I was never going to post on this board, but I feel as though I'm at my veritable rope's end. The traumatic experiences of my childhood coupled with the pressures of life are destroying me. I apologize if any of my cursing or whatever has offended some of you... I typed this post up on impulse. Like I said, my birthday is tomorrow and I've never felt so damn depressed. I feel like there's nothing I can do, so I'm doing this.

Thanks for reading.

-M
 
M --

First of all -- happy birthday. Writing on this board is a great gift to yourself. Its always tough in the beginning. Nobody wants to come here. Nobody wants to go to therapy. People do because at some point in there lives they have to pay attention to the inside. They can't pretend anymore. When that happens its intense -- so if that is what is happening to you I encourage you to be kind to yourself: whatever that might entail.

I related a lot to your story. When I turned 22 I was in Ravello, Italy staying in a villa!! I had been a sort of international jetset kid after going off to college. I had a million friends and obligations and I was kinda fabulous. I interned at magazines and it looked like I had everything going for me. I still do by the way, but in a very different way. A lot has changed since I first started therapy.

I spend less and less time on trying to convince the world and me that I'm ok. It's freed up a lot of energy for other things.

As far as the girl goes: from personal experience I often react to people being attracted to me by thinking I have to take care of them and give them what they want. Whatever you do, do it for you. Think about what you need, and go from there. I think one of the first lessons of recovery is learning to be selfish. We have to learn to put ourselves first, if we do, then we can share authentically.

I don't know where you live, but there are a lot of good shrinks out there.

Look after yourself M. As everyone says here, I'm sorry you have to be here, but welcome.

Cheers, J
 
I am new here too and I have already found a suportive group of guys here. I think it you come and spend time here it will help you not feel so alone in things. I really do not know what to say. I know I had to decide to focus on myself and my healing for me to come to this site again after seeing it many years ago.
 
everything you just wrote, i could have wrote when i began. i was molested at 5-6. i was an outstanding student, became a semi-pro cyclist, graduated high school w/ honors, and then college. on the surface, i had it all, but inside i was a mess.

i used this site to locate a therapist, Howard Fradkin is in my hometown, fortunately. he was the best. i would check here. i am not as familiar with Canada, but in the states you have to get aproval from you insurance usually through an 800 number. they can recommend someone. i know things are different there. if you have a local mental health department, they may be able to recommend someone.

i know being alone is hard sometimes, but there is a bright side, you dont have to draw a mate through your healing. you can seek help without having to explain it to anyone, and you can keep it private.

i hope you continue to post, and find the support here i always have. this is a good place, and you've made a very couragous choice to end your silence. i once wrote here that silence is a prison and speaking out is the key to opening the door. i still firmly believe that.

jeff
 
M,

I'm glad you finally posted, and don't worry about the language. You need to say how you feel and however it comes out is fine. The important thing is that it comes out.

There is so much that can and should be said to you bro. But here I'll just hit a few points. The first is that you aren't alone or a lost cause. SO MANY guys new to recovery start out exactly where you are. They feel desperate and totally adrift, and they find that the face they show to the world isn't the "real me" at all. What to do?

That brings me to the next point. You have already started with a very important task. You are admitting you need help. That's tough for survivors, probably because we learned as abused boys the false lesson that our needs don't matter and even if we expressed them no one would help us. That's so untrue. There is plenty of good, caring and safe help available to you. I hope you will stick around here, for example. This is a great place to discuss your issues and questions, and everyone will understand and support you. Talking DOES help, believe me.

But the main thing you need is good local support and especially a good therapist. I won't tell you not to be afraid of therapy - everyone is scared at first. We all feel ashamed and embarrassed and we fear that the T will start right in asking us deeply personal questions. But it isn't like that. The T is a pro and will know that the first task will be to gain your trust. As many sessions as necessary will revolve around that, and maybe what you talk about will be just general things about your life and how you feel.

I'm not sure how this works in the USA, but in Europe, both Germany and the UK, what I did was go to my doctor first and say I had problems and needed to talk to a T. My doctor diagnosed me with depression and got me on a regime of meds to deal with that, and she also referred me to a great T. I was scared to death at first, but now I actually look forward to my sessions with my T.

For many of us it's also useful to have good things to read about our abuse issues. The two best books for adults in my opinion are these:

Mike Lew, Victims No Longer
Mick Hunter, Abused Boys

Depending on where you are emotionally you might also find this book useful, although it's mainly for teenagers:

Cynthia Mather, How Long Does it Hurt?

ALWAYS remember, my friend, that the abuse was NOT your fault and that however terrible and lost you feel, you are not fucked up or going nuts. You are dealing with one of the worst things that can be done to a child, and it's the abuse that's fucked up.

Much love,
Larry
 
M,
Welcome to this board, I am new here also. One thing I want to comment on from your post was when you said

" I figured that because my abuse happened when I was so young, I've pretty much 'dodged the bullet'. However, as time has come and passed, I've realized I'm oh so wrong."

I was 4 and 5 when my abuse happened and I think the younger you are the more damaging it can be. Our personalities and core foundations are formed in those early years. I would think someone first abused at 11 and 12 might be able to look back to the years before it happened and see happy or "normal" memories and experiences if all others things being considered equal. I have lived with a naughty secret and the shame since practically the beginning of my memory.
This is a great place, I am twice as old as you and wish I would of realized the effect of my abuse when I was your age and was seeking recovery. I used alcohol to numb my pain till that became a problem but still in denial for another 14 years after I stopped drinking. Hope to see you keep posting.
Tom
 
in abused boys Mic Hunter puts it like this. our sexuality is like building blocks, the foundations are what the later layers are built on, if you get one of those out of place it affects everything on top of that. he also feels the younger the abuse, the more damage it does. i agree.
 
Thanks guys. Your words of encouragement have been a great help.

I live in Vancouver. Anyone know of a some good therapists in the area?
 
Actually there is one listed in the Male Survivor therapist directory.

Don Wright in Vancouver

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Resource%20Directory/Canada/wright.htm
 
Wow! I am amazed at how similar that sounds to me around high school and college. I had a million friends, and not one of them did I share anything of consequence with. I was the happy go lucky guy who did not talk about problems. Now, years later, man do I have problems!! I am going through a lot of difficulties now myself, and the people on this website have been great. Thank you all for your support. Remember, even as messed up as I feel right now, I am praying for you as I am each and everyone of my brothers here!!
BC
 
many kids who are sexualy abused at an older age ,suffered other types of neglect or abuse that put them in a situtation to be abused. regardless of age abuse sucks! also i think older kids might have different physical reactions that can cause a shitload of other problems. boss can i ask ,why you promised yourself would never post here?
 
Boss Hogg,

I forgot two things:

1. Great screen name - wonderful memories of that show! Freeeeze!!! :)

2. I hope your birthday was a good one and that future ones will be a lot better.

Much love,
Larry
 
It is good to hear that I am not the only one out there who broke down before hooking up with a good looking lady. I can't tell you how many times I ended up naked, curled up in a ball and crying at the foot of the bed with a georgeous woman wondering what the heck was going on. I was so sure I was the only one in the world who did that. (Note: I just called my girlfriend and told her that I was not the only one in the world...)

Can you say, "I was raped as a child and that is why I am all messed up?" Absolutely! When I met my current girlfriend, I told her that I didn't want to have sex until I was married. I only knew that sex brought bad things to relationships for me, and I really wanted a healthy relationship without the complications that sex brings on. I also told her that I had been sexually abused, but that there were no issues stemming from it, that it was in my past and nothing to be concerned about. What I didn't know was that there was a particular reason that I had some intamacy issues. More than a few, actually. In fact, I had no idea what intamacy was all about. I now suspect that intamacy had been stolen from me when I was little and that it is up to me to re-program myself in order to reclaim those parts of me that were lost.

Ultimately, the coolest part of it is that my girlfriend respected me for my decision, loved me for who I am, and eight months into our relationship, about a month ago, helped me start bringing the abuse issues to the table. We had built a strong enough relationship to weather that storm, and we are still building.

Unlike a lot of people around here, I am only about a month into this mess, and I am SO glad that I am where I am. Now that I have started to develop a support network and tell some people what has happened in my life I am beginning to feel the real me coming out and shining from time to time. Sometimes the fronting just dissapears and I catch myself being real. It is such a cool feeling!

I don't want you to think that it is easy for me. It isn't. I am terrified a lot. Scared of going out of my appartment, tired as hell all the time, but I am making good progress - progress that I can see, too. I hope you find a good therapist and stick around here. It really helped me to read your post. Thank you and welcome!

P.S. Posting here was probably the best birthday present you ever gave yourself!
 
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