New Flashback (TRIGGER)

New Flashback (TRIGGER)
S

survive75

Registrant
TRIGGER WARNING

I posted yesterday that I had a new flashback come up when I was in a craniosacral therapy session. It hasn't left since it appeared. It is really flipping me out, because it is a recall of SA happening in front of someone else. The memory is of my stepdad grabbing me by my hips and pulling me back towards him... he and a friend are laughing and he is being egged on as he spanks me in front of this guy. It continues from there, but I will spare the details. I don't remember this friend doing anything to me in the flashback... just that he was laughing with my stepfather.

I just don't know how to process this, really. I am feeling okay... not trying to escape it, but not going into the feelings it is bringing up either. I just don't know how someone could watch something like that happen to a kid and laugh and essentially encourage it.

The more that I remember sometimes, the more I wish I could go back to remembering nothing concrete at all.
 
sean,
i understand the desire to return to ignorance. i am still reeling from the recall of a couple months ago when i recalled her direct abuse and the arousal i experienced just put me over the edge. i still have yet to really try and face that. i think that sometimes we have to accept that though the memory surfaces, we might not be able to process it right away. was ignorance bliss? in the end, i would have to say no. i was a robot for much of my life. this is not something i really wish to return to. ignorance is a void, not bliss, but sometimes it is so very tempting...take care, sean. i am here if you need me.
 
Sean,

Boy, am I with you in that I wish I could go back to zero.

But then, I never would've had a chance to heal from it, because I was always hurting it seems, even when I couldn't remember the events.

The same is with you, my friend. You ARE healing, and as hard as it is, it's helping you to remember this crap. It's better than being bottled-up as it was.

Sean, if you need me, PM me. I'm here.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Sean - I made exactly that comment last week to good friends...I sometimes wished that I had left all of this buried in my mind because it was easier to deal with then.

They told me not to be 'so stupid' - it was the fact that I hadn't been dealing with it that had got me to the state that I was in.

I'm getting lots of support - the only thing that I know is real, is that I have the power to build my future - I cannot change my past.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Sean,

I have wished I didn't have to remember. I was once so good at "not remembering." What happened? Why can't I keep going as I was?

I don't know why, but I do have a pretty good idea of the not pretty direction I was headed.

Each night that I struggle against some memory at my throat eventually ends. No matter how many times I "lose myself" I do get back. These wretched pieces all end. The hell I was living, sinking deeper all the time, that wasn't going to end unless I did start this.

This will end. You will get through the flashback. You will survive the feelings, even if you have to take them a small drip at a time, you will get through them.

Please keep going easy on yourself. You did not deserve to have to bear such a memory. You do deserve kindness, like the therapist showed you. Please don't ever forget to show yourself the kindness that you show us here.

Joe
 
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