new developments
new developments
- Thread starterselene
- Start date
Selene,
I think you are incredible! You sound like you're coping with all this unbelievably well, really. It's good he has opened up and been so honest with you and that's bound to make a difference to him, getting this huge burden out of his head and sharing it with someone he trusts. And I believe you're probably right about loving him like a child at this point, I should think that can only do good. Love is a good thing. The only thing is your own sanity, as caring for him in the way you are is no small task. Be careful not to end up with exhaustion. Be careful to get some rest and some time for yourself too....
Your families are probably in denial about the enormity of this and it's maybe too much for them to open their eyes/minds/hearts up to the whole picture.....I am sorry you are not recieving more support than this, is there anyone else YOU can talk to/lean on a little?
That's bad news about the local therapist situation, you definately dont want to run the risk of him being committed! But you're right that he needs therapy, it would really help him. My bf was in a pretty desperate way before he went too.......
take care,
peace
Beccy
I think you are incredible! You sound like you're coping with all this unbelievably well, really. It's good he has opened up and been so honest with you and that's bound to make a difference to him, getting this huge burden out of his head and sharing it with someone he trusts. And I believe you're probably right about loving him like a child at this point, I should think that can only do good. Love is a good thing. The only thing is your own sanity, as caring for him in the way you are is no small task. Be careful not to end up with exhaustion. Be careful to get some rest and some time for yourself too....
Your families are probably in denial about the enormity of this and it's maybe too much for them to open their eyes/minds/hearts up to the whole picture.....I am sorry you are not recieving more support than this, is there anyone else YOU can talk to/lean on a little?
That's bad news about the local therapist situation, you definately dont want to run the risk of him being committed! But you're right that he needs therapy, it would really help him. My bf was in a pretty desperate way before he went too.......
take care,
peace
Beccy
Selene
don't bother with your families, the chances are that they are more concerned about the fallout and gossip than the real and imminent danger of you and husband suffering some kind of breakdown.
If your families know some of what's going on and this is their best reaction then forget it, the support you need doesn't lie there.
Don't freeze them out, but personally I wouldn't involve them or keep them informed of what's going on, you need all your resources without wasting effort for no return.
I'm not a betting man, but is there a hint of "macho" about him?
If you asked for a show of hands of all the survivors here to the question "before you started healing did you think therapy was for wimps and girls?" then I think most of us would shoot our hands straight up!
It's a man thing, of course "we don't need help" - why? because "I can do it on my own dammit!"
To see another forest of hands ask "did you try the same thing over and over again, and get the same useless results?"
Every time I acted out, looked at porn, had the fantasies and all the other shit that goes with being abused I would say to myself "that's f*****g it! never again!" It's as easy as that.
And it worked, for a while at least. Maybe a day or two, maybe a few hours.
It's circular thinking, because we know nothing different. We see and acknowledge the problem. So we try to fix it the only way we know how - the easy way, which is to say "I ain't gonna do that no more"
But what have we got to back it up with? Nothing at all.
Our abuse robbed us of many things, and gave us a bunch of dysfunctional crap in return, which is no basis for reasoned thinking, certainly not to the level of making huge changes to our thinking and behaviours in a rational and safe manner.
Fot that we need new tools, we need to free up bits of our minds that are damaged or unused, and the best way is to discuss what we feel. To discuss is to argue and reason, to think more objectively because we are being challenged by the person we discuss our problems with.
It's a natural enough thing to not want to discuss abuse and acting out with with our partners, but a therapist is neutral and can offer a sounding board for ideas, emotions and fears that you would impossible. A therapist can also provoke the more extreme emotions in safety, I would often describe my therapist as "having a sharp pointed stick that he'd poke me with" I've still got the scars!
He quite possibly is regressing in some way, everything that has happened in a short space of time has its roots in his past childhood, and suddenly everything has collided and he's experiencing things he's not prepared for.
My greatest fear when acting out was my wife finding out and throwing me out, and I feared it still when I started therapy. More than feared it actually, I was convinced I would be history at the very suspicion of me acting out.
So how confusing do you think it is when the opposite thing happens? Then add that to the existing confusion and we're in a world of confusion.
Unconditional love and support? there's some good topics here about that so I won't go on about it right now.
Just lay down some boundaries to avoid another fight, and see what happens through the power of suggestion and encouragement.
There aren't many women I know who can't work around our macho bullshit!
Dave
don't bother with your families, the chances are that they are more concerned about the fallout and gossip than the real and imminent danger of you and husband suffering some kind of breakdown.
If your families know some of what's going on and this is their best reaction then forget it, the support you need doesn't lie there.
Don't freeze them out, but personally I wouldn't involve them or keep them informed of what's going on, you need all your resources without wasting effort for no return.
If he needs to compare notes, tell him to have a word with me!
These two things are probably connected - neither of you fully understand yet - you will, and I hope he takes the first steps to understanding HIS issues sooner rather than later.
I bet he's a smart enough guy? the kind of regular guy who's certainly not a dumbass.
I'm not a betting man, but is there a hint of "macho" about him?
If you asked for a show of hands of all the survivors here to the question "before you started healing did you think therapy was for wimps and girls?" then I think most of us would shoot our hands straight up!
It's a man thing, of course "we don't need help" - why? because "I can do it on my own dammit!"
To see another forest of hands ask "did you try the same thing over and over again, and get the same useless results?"
Every time I acted out, looked at porn, had the fantasies and all the other shit that goes with being abused I would say to myself "that's f*****g it! never again!" It's as easy as that.
And it worked, for a while at least. Maybe a day or two, maybe a few hours.
It's circular thinking, because we know nothing different. We see and acknowledge the problem. So we try to fix it the only way we know how - the easy way, which is to say "I ain't gonna do that no more"
But what have we got to back it up with? Nothing at all.
Our abuse robbed us of many things, and gave us a bunch of dysfunctional crap in return, which is no basis for reasoned thinking, certainly not to the level of making huge changes to our thinking and behaviours in a rational and safe manner.
Fot that we need new tools, we need to free up bits of our minds that are damaged or unused, and the best way is to discuss what we feel. To discuss is to argue and reason, to think more objectively because we are being challenged by the person we discuss our problems with.
It's a natural enough thing to not want to discuss abuse and acting out with with our partners, but a therapist is neutral and can offer a sounding board for ideas, emotions and fears that you would impossible. A therapist can also provoke the more extreme emotions in safety, I would often describe my therapist as "having a sharp pointed stick that he'd poke me with" I've still got the scars!
He quite possibly is regressing in some way, everything that has happened in a short space of time has its roots in his past childhood, and suddenly everything has collided and he's experiencing things he's not prepared for.
My greatest fear when acting out was my wife finding out and throwing me out, and I feared it still when I started therapy. More than feared it actually, I was convinced I would be history at the very suspicion of me acting out.
So how confusing do you think it is when the opposite thing happens? Then add that to the existing confusion and we're in a world of confusion.
Unconditional love and support? there's some good topics here about that so I won't go on about it right now.
Just lay down some boundaries to avoid another fight, and see what happens through the power of suggestion and encouragement.
There aren't many women I know who can't work around our macho bullshit!
Dave
Selene,
I just want to stop here and give you kudos. You're going above and beyond what many or most women would do in your situation. My prayer is that it works and you regain what looks to be lost.
Whatever happens, remember that you, too, deserve so much better than what you've received. In the end, make sure you take care of you.
Lots of love,
John
I just want to stop here and give you kudos. You're going above and beyond what many or most women would do in your situation. My prayer is that it works and you regain what looks to be lost.
Whatever happens, remember that you, too, deserve so much better than what you've received. In the end, make sure you take care of you.
Lots of love,
John
honey girl
Registrant
Dear Selene,
As usual, you have provided a lot of information in your post, more than I can respond to fully. But let me start by agreeing with the other posters here, that you are being very brave and supportive, all things considered. You are certainly not exaggerating the difficulty or the pain. On the other hand, it does seem that things are at least less brittle, for the moment.
So, giving your H lists of things to do is a good idea. Those lists might be practical, but they could also include some self-care tasks. Is he already good about attending to his personal needs? If he's operating at the level of an 8 year old, perhaps not. Then the very basic items need to be on there too. Eating, sleeping, exercising, breathing, chores....
One major item on your own to-do list, as you note, is finding him--and you--some therapy. I have several observations here, if you don't mind. First, it seems as though it will be necessary, unfortunately perhaps, for you to go beyond your "local therapist." But you have mentioned that you live in Michigan. I do, too, and I am hoping that you live in the southern half of the LP, which will make finding someone a bit easier. (If you're north of Mt. Pleasant, then you might have difficulty finding anyone out of Traverse City--but that's just a pessimistic guess.) If you're within an hour's drive from a college town--Ann Arbor, East Lansing, Kalamazoo--or relatively near Metro Detroit, you should have no problem finding someone good. Going outside the immediate community might make it easier for him to feel comfortable disclosing. There is a pretty standard set of questions to ask any therapist you're considering; I'm sure you would find them in the resources list that got re-posted here a week or so ago.
The intrusive thoughts that he's describing are a hallmark symptom of PTSD. They can be alleviated and relieved, even eliminated, over time. I used to have them too. I don't now. As odd as it may seem, this is among the typical--but not universal--responses to extreme trauma, and so should not be terribly alarming to any therapist with experience in this area. Nor should his virtual helplessness at this moment--the initial disclosure period (which can last for several weeks at least) was enormously trying for me and for my bf, just to name the two people whose experience I know best.
It is of course key to have him work with someone who has genuine expertise with male csa survivors. There is a referral list attached to this site, I believe--and even if there's no one close enough to be useful, someone on the list could probably get you leads on someone closer.
My bf has had remarkable success in therapy with someone using "EMDR"--eye movement desensitizing and reprogramming. It may seem gimmicky, but it is also quite effective with some people; if you find someone with male csa counseling expertise who also does this, that may be a bonus. A lot of things have to click, though, to make the therapeutic bond work.
You need support too. As a survivor myself, I found it terribly destabilizing for a while to be dealing with this issue in my bf. The therapy I've had recently has not been intense, just supportive. If you can't get it from your families--and this is not an uncommon situation, families aren't always very comfortable responding to such difficult, usually unnameable problems like these--then you must seek it out somewhere. It's not easy, and perhaps it will not be quick. But it's important for the long run, too, that you have a broader base of emotional support. I am realizing anew that I have tended to be much more isolated than is good for me, or good for my children, and so I have been encouraged anew to be more socially involved. It's hard, but it's worthwhile.
I think you are a very loving and caring person to be willing to stay with him, short or long term; you've had a lot of shocks to deal with in a very short time. There isn't any way of knowing yet what the outcomes will be, but I encourage you to keep taking the next necessary step forward. You are doing a good job with a hugely challenging situation.
I'm sorry if all of the practical advice here is redundant or otherwise unnecessary. I'm hoping that my experiences will be of use.
All best,
Honey Girl
As usual, you have provided a lot of information in your post, more than I can respond to fully. But let me start by agreeing with the other posters here, that you are being very brave and supportive, all things considered. You are certainly not exaggerating the difficulty or the pain. On the other hand, it does seem that things are at least less brittle, for the moment.
So, giving your H lists of things to do is a good idea. Those lists might be practical, but they could also include some self-care tasks. Is he already good about attending to his personal needs? If he's operating at the level of an 8 year old, perhaps not. Then the very basic items need to be on there too. Eating, sleeping, exercising, breathing, chores....
One major item on your own to-do list, as you note, is finding him--and you--some therapy. I have several observations here, if you don't mind. First, it seems as though it will be necessary, unfortunately perhaps, for you to go beyond your "local therapist." But you have mentioned that you live in Michigan. I do, too, and I am hoping that you live in the southern half of the LP, which will make finding someone a bit easier. (If you're north of Mt. Pleasant, then you might have difficulty finding anyone out of Traverse City--but that's just a pessimistic guess.) If you're within an hour's drive from a college town--Ann Arbor, East Lansing, Kalamazoo--or relatively near Metro Detroit, you should have no problem finding someone good. Going outside the immediate community might make it easier for him to feel comfortable disclosing. There is a pretty standard set of questions to ask any therapist you're considering; I'm sure you would find them in the resources list that got re-posted here a week or so ago.
The intrusive thoughts that he's describing are a hallmark symptom of PTSD. They can be alleviated and relieved, even eliminated, over time. I used to have them too. I don't now. As odd as it may seem, this is among the typical--but not universal--responses to extreme trauma, and so should not be terribly alarming to any therapist with experience in this area. Nor should his virtual helplessness at this moment--the initial disclosure period (which can last for several weeks at least) was enormously trying for me and for my bf, just to name the two people whose experience I know best.
It is of course key to have him work with someone who has genuine expertise with male csa survivors. There is a referral list attached to this site, I believe--and even if there's no one close enough to be useful, someone on the list could probably get you leads on someone closer.
My bf has had remarkable success in therapy with someone using "EMDR"--eye movement desensitizing and reprogramming. It may seem gimmicky, but it is also quite effective with some people; if you find someone with male csa counseling expertise who also does this, that may be a bonus. A lot of things have to click, though, to make the therapeutic bond work.
You need support too. As a survivor myself, I found it terribly destabilizing for a while to be dealing with this issue in my bf. The therapy I've had recently has not been intense, just supportive. If you can't get it from your families--and this is not an uncommon situation, families aren't always very comfortable responding to such difficult, usually unnameable problems like these--then you must seek it out somewhere. It's not easy, and perhaps it will not be quick. But it's important for the long run, too, that you have a broader base of emotional support. I am realizing anew that I have tended to be much more isolated than is good for me, or good for my children, and so I have been encouraged anew to be more socially involved. It's hard, but it's worthwhile.
I think you are a very loving and caring person to be willing to stay with him, short or long term; you've had a lot of shocks to deal with in a very short time. There isn't any way of knowing yet what the outcomes will be, but I encourage you to keep taking the next necessary step forward. You are doing a good job with a hugely challenging situation.
I'm sorry if all of the practical advice here is redundant or otherwise unnecessary. I'm hoping that my experiences will be of use.
All best,
Honey Girl
My 2 cents, as for your fear of him being comitted? where does this stem from? you mentioned most therapists would have him comitted, how do you know this? As far as I know unless he's suicidal or deemed a safety risk to hisself or the community there would be no reason for such action. Good luck1 and remember,
Only the strong survive!
Peace
Only the strong survive!
Peace
Brokenhearted
Registrant
Dave, just to ask something, when you say "If you asked for a show of hands of all the survivors here to the question "before you started healing did you think therapy was for wimps and girls?" then I think most of us would shoot our hands straight up!
It's a man thing, of course "we don't need help" - why? because "I can do it on my own dammit!"
So why did most of these "macho" survivors eventually seek therapy? Was it because they were in such a rock-bottom place, suicidal or heavily into drugs or something? Or was it b/c they had a mental breakdown?? Or did the idea of therapy just need to sink in longer? Or did they come HERE first and slowly move toward seeing a therapist?
I can't even get my husband to come here. But I'm still holding out hope that one day he will decide to at least do that much on his own.
It's a man thing, of course "we don't need help" - why? because "I can do it on my own dammit!"
So why did most of these "macho" survivors eventually seek therapy? Was it because they were in such a rock-bottom place, suicidal or heavily into drugs or something? Or was it b/c they had a mental breakdown?? Or did the idea of therapy just need to sink in longer? Or did they come HERE first and slowly move toward seeing a therapist?
I can't even get my husband to come here. But I'm still holding out hope that one day he will decide to at least do that much on his own.