New, confused and hurting. (A bit graphic and possible triggers?)

New, confused and hurting. (A bit graphic and possible triggers?)
L

LupinIII

Registrant
Hello,

It's hard to know where to begin. Please forgive me if this is choppy.

When I was a child my mom was addicted to painkillers and the drink and my dad was a pathological liar and a gambling addict. They divorced when I was four and I lived with my mom until I was 15.

For many moons (I am now 32) I struggled with how messed up my the behaviors in my life are due to ACOA type issues. However, there were some behaviors (excessive masturbation, going to massage parlors for hand-jobs)that never made sense. I also had a recurring memory that made me uncomfortable but I always pushed it away.

In the last year I went back to Al-Anon with a new understanding of why I was there. It was no longer about bitching for me, it was about working the program.

Well Thur. night the last bit of the puzzle came crashing down on my head..I had to confront my strange memory.

I remember being 11...it was a hot summer night...and my mother suggested we get naked and wrap ourselves in wet towels..I remember sitting in the towel..in my bed..at night...next to her for a very long time...right next to each other..I remember the strangeness...but I cannot remember what else happened...I mean a blank...I just know we sat there for a while in the dark..in awkward silence...but anything else...black hole...

Then I started remembering other things..like how at 12 my mother explained masturbation to me using her finger to simulate the motion on a penis...i remember her renting porn for me at 14 and using porn mags as a reward system...i remember that she would be nude in front of me more than she should have...i remember giving her a lot of massages and foot rubs...comments...fuzzy but they were there...and then there are some fuzzy things as well...

At first I was freaked out but figured that maybe i was just blowing shit out of proportion..then yesterday i went to a bookstore and started reading...and i was horrified to discover that the mother son incest often involes psychological incest as well as touching...and that intercourse wasn't always the tell-tale sign...

...in a nut shell i went from a survivor of addiciton to an incest survivor...i feel like my world is crashing down...but it all makes sense now..the excessive masturbation...paying for handjobs...the excessive desires for sex...the f-ed up way i viewed women and sex...the whole thing...

i feel sick to my stomach and dont know what to do next (funny but sad: i called the crisis hotline and they refused to deal with me they treated me the way a disgruntled mcdonals employee treats you when you want them to give you better service)..i know i need a therapist but money is tight and i wouldnt know where to begin..i could not work yesterday because i was engulfed by pain..i feel lost...but i have major responsibilities..i have a wife and a three year old and a five year old...i can't just take time off to cope...mentally or job wise...i am kind of lost and in a world of hurt...

thank you for reading and any advice or suggestions would be appreciated..
 
I hope you are better now then when you typed your post. We are all in the same boat, and we need to stick together. I will listen.
 
Welcome Lupin. I am sorry you need a place like this, but I am glad you found us. And I am so, so sorry that all of this is crashing down on you right now.

Flashbacks, memories - especially the ones that are fuzzy or blacked out - are extremely difficult to take when they finally surface. I've been dealing with some of the big puzzle pieces falling into place myself since about November. There is nothing to say about it other than it sucks when it is happening.

But there is also some validation when the memories finally come up... the validation that your symptoms were not just some inherent defect, or that you weren't just crazy or depressed or addicted, etc. It's a very painful place to be, when you first start to remember things and admit that they happened, but it is liberating sometimes too.

I'm glad you are here. Keep posting. If only to hear that other people have had similar experiences. This place has helped me more than I can express. PM me if you need to.

-Sean
 
Welcome Lupin,

What your mother did is a terrible thing and is no way your fault. I am sorry that this has happened to you and that had the need to find us. On the other hand, since you do, I am glad that you did. You have made a step forward and are beginning to heal for it.

Remembering that stuff is difficult, taking a mental and physical toll on ourselves. But it explains a lot about our 'shortcomings', the things that we felt we 'needed' to do, even though we knew it was wrong and regreted it during and/or afterwards. As we understand the reason(s) we did and do those things, we can change the way we react to them. Change it to a positive reaction.

Take care of yourself and you will be able to take care of those that you love (including yourself). Read through the posts, the articles, use the resources, post your questions, concerns, and rants. Whatever you do, keep yourself safe, don't push it and overwhelm yourself.

Take care,
Bill
 
lupin,
being an incest survivor is truly difficult, especially the first awareness of it. i started my recovery in nov of '02 and have had one heck of a roller coaster ride emotionally. it was not until the one year aniiversary of my recovery that i was able to accept the maternal incest part of it. even now i am struggling with the implications of it and have not faced many specific memories of it yet. there is no place like this website and its brotherhood. pm me if you need to.
 
Thank you for the supportive words.

It's strange I'm okay for an hour or two and then the anxiety and pain sinks in...

I don't know what to do next, or how I will be able to function at work next week. I went to Barnes & Noble and Borders but there were few books on this subject and even fewer when it cames ot this subject and men.
 
Lupinn,
You might call the local YWCA, I had a t there that was free and she really did a lot of good for me. With that said let me echo the words of your brothers welcome here sorry you need us. Just remember your not alone anymore. Everyone one of us are here to support everyone one of us.
James
 
Lupin 111

Sorry for not responding till now. What happened to you was the worst thing that could have happened. And it was never your fault ok.

If you are looking for some reading material here is the url link to amazon.com

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Bookstore/index.htm

You have just joined the greatest bunch of guys in the world. There is no judgement, no disdain for race, creed or sexual orientation of any kind whatsoever only a true brotherhood of guys trying to become them men they were meant to be.

So welcome to our NEW BROTHER
 
Lupin,So,so very sorry about what happened to you.You have found a place that will listen,care,and understand.////////////////facethatknowsyourpaintoo
 
Lupin, I am very sorry that you have had these memories and feelings arise, and that you have come to need a site as this, although as always, I am glad this site exists for you and me also.

I can relate some to what you say. My father was physically abusive and left our family when I was ten. My sexual abuser was a sport coach. But my mother also was inappropriate to me. She and my grandmother and I all lived in one room in another family's apartment, so we all slept in there, even as I was an older teenager. And there would be times when she would often touch me wrong, or want me to sleep in the bed with her.

There seems to be something of having been hurt in this way by a mother, it seems like even bigger betrayal to me, even though she never hurt me so bad as my father or coach. There is suposed to be some more special bond between mother and child, I think, and she break that.

I wish I know how to make it easier for you. But to come here, to talk of it and allow some of it out of your brain, it is help to you. I wish you good luck.

Leosha
 
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