New avatar
Yesterday evening, I happened to be driving by the same tree that I had taken a picture of before and used for my first avatar here, which was my symbol of myself and recovery for years -- a bare tree that had been cut away to protect a power line running through it.
Now, in late spring, the tree is full of leaves instead of barren as it was in the winter.
I had to get rid of the "big rock" avatar from Monument Valley, because 1) it reminded me of the relationship that ended because I went there with her, and 2) because I don't feel like a rock any more.
I feel like this tree again. Like there's a part of me missing, literally a victim of power.
But unlike the first avatar image, I will concede that there's been some growth where I'm still able to grow: intellectually, creatively, professionally -- even as my personal life and sexual life remain a black hole.
Also, because of the time of evening of this shot, the road and the yellow stripe is more visible... indicating the journey that I'm on, whether it's a short trip around dead-man's curve or a longer marathon. Whatever it is, I am accepting it and trying to endure.
But I am not a rock, and the feeling that I was a rock during the relationship was either 1) an illusion, or 2) something that the relationship made me feel whole for the first time in my life, only to be ripped away from me, leaving me feeling empty again, acutely aware of what I'm missing from life and what I can't seem to make right.
I'm doing the best I can, but I'm struggling. My return to MS is a testament to my level of struggle. When I'm doing better, I try to stay away... but I always come back because this is the only place where I feel understood.
Without MS, I wouldn't have made it this far.
Cant
Now, in late spring, the tree is full of leaves instead of barren as it was in the winter.
I had to get rid of the "big rock" avatar from Monument Valley, because 1) it reminded me of the relationship that ended because I went there with her, and 2) because I don't feel like a rock any more.
I feel like this tree again. Like there's a part of me missing, literally a victim of power.
But unlike the first avatar image, I will concede that there's been some growth where I'm still able to grow: intellectually, creatively, professionally -- even as my personal life and sexual life remain a black hole.
Also, because of the time of evening of this shot, the road and the yellow stripe is more visible... indicating the journey that I'm on, whether it's a short trip around dead-man's curve or a longer marathon. Whatever it is, I am accepting it and trying to endure.
But I am not a rock, and the feeling that I was a rock during the relationship was either 1) an illusion, or 2) something that the relationship made me feel whole for the first time in my life, only to be ripped away from me, leaving me feeling empty again, acutely aware of what I'm missing from life and what I can't seem to make right.
I'm doing the best I can, but I'm struggling. My return to MS is a testament to my level of struggle. When I'm doing better, I try to stay away... but I always come back because this is the only place where I feel understood.
Without MS, I wouldn't have made it this far.
Cant
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