New and scared (VERY LONG)

[k'sgirl]

I guess I should start out with my story.... Husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 6. Both have previous failed marrages, I have 2 children ages 11/13. I discovered 3 weeks ago that he had profiles on on-line dating sites. He left them up on the computer like he wanted me to find them. The profile that he wrote for himself completely described our life as I knew it right down to our "what we do for fun" activities. I told him I was leaving, he talked me in to staying...then I found out about an emotional affair that he had while the children and I were out of town for 3 months. He would call her, then he would call me....The other woman was a stripper. Hubby convinced himself that this woman pursued him and that she cared deeply for him. He said that he ended the affair. She recently talked to me and I find that he lied about who ended it. I was deeply concernd that he thought a stripper would be sincere. I again was going to leave. Then I find out that my vehicle and our farm that we no longer lived on but where trying to sell had both been taken back by the bank....So lets see, he loves porn, always had a fantasy of having a relationship with a stripper and is now posting on singles sites and has a problem with finances....From what I have read so far, these are all "normal". He and I talked and he has admitted to lying about numerous silly pointless things the ENTIRE time we have been together.Major marital trust issues now.. He asked me to stay and go to counselling with him and because I deeply love the man I thought I new, I agreed. During some of our ocnversations regarding truth and what my bounderies would be while working on our marraige he revealled that he had been SA as a child of 12. He claims to have had no memory of it until our marraige collapst. His sister was also SA by his abusers little brother. She confided to their mother who basically told her to "suck it up" Their parents are still best friends to this day... Now, help me please...I love this man and I will not let him down. He wants me to help him get through this. We have started counselling but he WILL NOT go alone. Absolutly refuses. He seems to want sex with me all of the time now. I have always thought that he had a problem with understanding the difference between sex and love. What do I do now??? What is my role here? I want to save my marraige but understand that we have to work out deeper problems first. How do I trust? I have nightmares about his affairs and lies and even though I understand why, I am so afraid of what is still to come. Any advice is welcome and I know I have so much more to unravel but my thoughts seem to always be jumbled these days.
Thanks for letting me ramble

 

[SAR]

k'sgirl

Welcome to MS...

The first thing I want to say, and I sense from your post that you already know this, but I can't say it enough:

So lets see, he loves porn, always had a fantasy of having a relationship with a stripper and is now posting on singles sites and has a problem with finances....From what I have read so far, these are all "normal".

If by normal, you mean that it's not uncommon for some sexual abuse survivors to struggle in these areas, then yes, that's true. If by normal, you mean that these issues are inevitably going to be a part of your life if you stay married to this man, that's not true, and don't let anyone convince you that it is.

"Normal" needs to go right out the window when it comes to two people negotiating a relationship. What feels loving and appropriate to those two people is most important. I don't care if 99.999% of the population does something, or thinks something is acceptable, if I don't want that thing in my relationship there's nothing wrong with me insisting that people don't bring it into their relationships with me.

My boyfriend struggled with finances too, in fact this is where most of the irrelevant little lies came in. I don't think we would have been able to get this particular issue sorted out without some introspection on his part about his feelings about earning/providing for a family and his fears about poverty.

But he disclosed to me long before he started therapy and after his disclosure and some heavy conversations between the two of us, we were able to start communicating better about some of the more relevant issues.

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. If your husband's behaviors and demands are too destructive for you to handle right now, put some distance between you and those behaviors and demands-- tell him to go to an individual counselor for help with his sexual issues-- or start separating yourself financially if he can't be trusted with your joint assets. You will help him more by keeping yourself and your relationship as healthy as you can than you will by allowing him to continue destroying your love and trust in the name of support.

The fear goes away with time. We're here whenever you need to vent.

SAR

 

[Lloydy]

K'sgirl
As I read a post I often find that just one thing leaps out at me, something that might seem fairly insignificant to whoever posted it.
I don't lay claim to any special knowledge, it's usually something that I went through personally.

He left them up on the computer like he wanted me to find them.

This struck me in your post because it's something I did ( in a similar way ) and I think many survivors do, and because we don't seem to do it consciously we dont recognise it happening at the time.

I acted out sexually with other men, at the time I had been married for over 20 years and loved my wife as I still do - we're still married even though she knows all about my acting out.
It was nothing like an affair, I met strangers in toilets and had sex. No names, no fuss, no prior arrangements.
Eventually this escalated to having sex in semi public places, places I ( we ) were very likely to be caught. And that would have led to being taken to court and all that entails.

I knew the risks involved, in my 'sane' moments this behaviour worried me to hell and back, but once the urge to act out started all those worries meant nothing.
This behaviour with its huge contradictions made no sense to me when I finally disclosed my abuse and began therapy, but I now believe that there was a big subconcious voice that told me "If I get caught someone will ask me why I do this shit and help me to stop"
Basically I had a hidden 'internal monologue' - the inner voice that tells us to 'get the shopping on the way home' - that was wishing this sequence of events.

Strangely the prospect of the certain humiliation and possible loss of wife, family, friends and job must have seemed preferable to just saying "I was sexually abused, I'm having problems, please help"
In the end I didn't get caught and I did disclose to my wife, and asked for help. But I can remember the fear involved, so I can understand how the alternative route of 'getting caught' seems easier.

You raise many other good questions in your post as well, and I'll try and get back to those sometime.
One thing I will recommend though is going to the 'Bookstore' link at the head of the page which takes you directly to a list of books dealing with sexual abuse and survivors on the Amazon website.
I would also recommend Mike Lew's excellent book "Victims No Longer", there's a new edition which has additions to the classic first edition.
There's a good chapter for partners, but the whole book is relevent.
If you buy any books through our link we get a small % as well

Take care
Dave