new and needing help

new and needing help
M

morgan

New Registrant
Hello,

My name is Morgan, and I have what I hope is a unique situation ( I pray no one else has to deal with this). I'm just about to turn 38. From the time I was about 5 until I was 13 I was molested by my older (5 years) brother. I know, nothing unusual yet, wait for it. My brother is "developmentally disabled", he is and always will be stuck at 13 mentally. After I moved away, he was charged and convicted of "inappropriately touching" a little girl, he's considered about the lowest risk-level of sexual offender possible. I moved back to town when my step-dad died. My brother still lives with our mother. She knows what he did, and told me he was abused too, at about the same time. Here's the difficult part- she asked me to be his "sponsor", something his court-appointed therapist suggested, a friend or family member that he can call to discuss his base urges, to help him keep from acting on them.

My dilemma- I'd be quite happy to see him dead, but I know it would literally kill my mother. I love her, but want nothing to do with him, but he's there for holidays, whenever I call, etc. How do I get past this with him constantly reminding me of what happened?
 
Morgan - I'm not in my best frame of mind tonight, but I see that you are here waiting for an answer. Sorry but I don't have that much to offer tonight - all I can say is that you should do what is best for yourself. We can look after other peoples feelings for so long that we begin to forget about our own - our feelings are at least as valid as other peoples.

There will be other people along within the next few days that will maybe offer you better advice - maybe tomorrow I will be stronger and have more clarity.

Best wishes ...RIk
 
Morgan
that's a rock and a hard place decision if ever there is one, all I can possibly hope to offer you is some support and something to think about.

You have to consider the age difference back then, and discount that he stopped developing at 13.
He still took advantage of you through being the older, and probably phsyically bigger, brother.

But what now? to sponsor him as suggested seems impossible without complete forgiveness, and are you ready or willing to even go there?

I say to any Survivor, "be selfish".
NOT in a nasty and hurtful way, but think of yourself and your health - mental and physical - first.
If you don't then nobody else can.

I get the feeling that your mother is probably in deep denial, maybe not that 'abuse' took place, but of the lasting effects it's had on you.

If it was me, I hope that I would be able to explain my position to her, but I'm not you.

Dave
 
Hi Morgan,

I would agree with what Rick and Dave have said, I think that no matter what your mother says or feels that not only from your point of view but from his that it would be impossible for you to take on the role of sponsor. You could consider telling your mother that in your brothers interest it would not be good for him to have you as his sponsor and surely they can find someone more appropriate to do this work with him. The court-appointed therapist would hardly think it suitable for you to have this role if he/she knew the history.

The fact that your brother has a learning disability or was abused does not in anyway lessen the impact of what he did nor does it mean that you can get over it any faster than anyone else.

If your mother is in any way open to hearing or understanding your feelings then that is a possible avenue.

Having to deal with him to keep the relationship with your mother is never going to be easy. I hope by coming here and maybe seeing a therapist that you will find ways to deal with this.

Welcome to the site hope you find some help with this.

Rustam.
 
Morgan,
What comes to my mind right away is to maybe have a talk with his therapist and tell her your past with him. I'd be willing to bet she would think this is a bad idea and take the decision away from you so you don't look like the bad guy to your mom. Just a thought.
Broken
 
Welcome to MS Morgan

I hope that you will find as much help here as I have - there are many, many great minds here to help us to think through the tough times...

I am very sorry for the situation that you are in right now - My past was indeed diffrent from yours (as most poeples are in the 'fingerprint' called life...) but I do come from a long history of abuse within the 'family' and am constantly being put into hard situations (which thanks to the help of others here I am indeed handling better now)

What follows is my honest heartfelt opinion...

I feel that sponsoring your brother would only bring more 'hurt' into your life and right now you need 'healing'(I know from your post that you still carry a lot of hurt inside) - if the court-appointed therapist knew of the past history with your brother I can just about 100% guarantee that he/she would not even want to put you in that kind of situation

As hard as I know it is going to be - you need to have another talk with your mother - you need to do your best to make her understand that what happened back then has not magicaly went away over time and that it is still affecting you to this very day - I think that if she refuses to acknowledge that it is a bad idea to put you in the role of sponsor to the brother that abused you then she herself is lost in a deep form of denial over what has happened in the past... - I fully understand that you do not want to lose your relationship with her but it is not a good relationship if she cannot understand that you are still hurting from the past

#1 thing here - Above all else... - Take Care of YOU!!!

Do not let yourself be put in a situation that you do not want to be in...

What was done to you back then is no 'little' thing - 5 years of age might not seem like a big thing now that you are older but back then it was a BIG thing!

Take care,

TJ jeff

P.S. - I hope that you don't feel that I've been rough on you - it's just that I really do care about this situation you're in cause in my own unique way 'I've been there'
 
Morgan,

You may have been placed between a hard place and a rock, but please don't allow yourself to stay there. It's up to you. I don't think it's selfish for you to say, "No" to that situation. I think it's selfish for anyone to expect you to be your brother's sponsor.

It's dangerous, too! Dangerous to both you and your brother. How can you be expected to calmly sit and listen to YOUR abuser describe his "base urges" in order to keep him from acting on them. There is no telling what could potentially happen to him physically, and my God, what would happen to you emotionally?

Morgan, you're a grown man and YOU have to take care of YOU! Your plate is already full with SA issues. I damn sure think that you shouldn't be expected to take care of the chef that put those issues on your plate to begin with.
 
Dont do it! The previous suggestion that you discuss the situation with his therapist is a good one. No rational professional would even consider allowing you to be put in that position. Forget about your brothers need, it is unsafe and unhealthy for YOU.

And try not to worry too much about what your mom thinks. It is an unreasonable demand being placed on you. In fact, the request itself approaches re-abuse.

Aden
 
Morgan listen to the advice that has been given. Asking you to be a sponsor is a total lack of empathy for what happened to you and your healing.

Remember that you and you alone come first in your path towards living life as you were meant to.
 
Morgan - I told you they'd turn up. Thanks everyone for constantly letting me know humanity exists...Rik
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top