New and In Trouble(But Who Isn't?)

New and In Trouble(But Who Isn't?)
H

Happenstance

Registrant
I am new to this site; I have read over a few of the other posts, but not all. I do not know if my situation is unique, I hope it isn't. Just a brief synopsis of myself, so no one thinks I am ignorant to the horror. I was abused when I was seven by a teenage male meant to be my babysitter. Two years ago, my step son was abused by his baseball coach. Funny thing is I told myself for most of my life that I knew what to look out for, I knew how to protect my children. No way it could happen to them. It did. Now, he has gotten in trouble at school with drugs. He has been caught stealing. My wife and I have him going to a psychologist, have had him going for about a year now. Last night, he stole chewing tobacco from the part time job I have at nights. I am utterly and completely at a loss as to how to help him. Growing up, I blocked it all out, until ten years later I blew up and it all came rushing back in at me. I never had parents that cared enough to put me in therapy, to make sure I didn't walk away with an addiction(and there are other addictions than to drugs). I am trying to get him all the help I never had. I talk to him about it, I try to get him to talk about it, but he keeps screwing up. He is 15 years old, and his future is going down the toilet along with every good intention and attempt I have made to help him. Any advice?
 
Happenstance,
Even though I can't respond right now to your post with any advice... Have you worked through your own abuse from the babysitter yet?

That will be a significant key I believe.

My heart goes out,
Rivers
 
That particular demon is...tolerated. I have been open with him about what occured to me in order to get him to open up, to help him work thru his "issues". My wife has helped me immensely, but the part that has been worst or me is the similarities in what happed with my stepson and what happened to me. Striking, light-tight-feeling in the gut similarities. I never got counseling(besides my wife's thin but suprisingly strong shoulder), was never given the opportunity. I am trying to focus on him; I can deal with my issues later. I already have my future(as bleak as it seems at times). We need to fix his. His father, a large, threatening man whose idea of parenting is intimidation, has told him "just get over it". I don't think anyone here needs me to tell them my reaction to that little nugget of shite. But my problems? Secondary to the needs of my stepson. I am here for him. Thank you, though, for the concern.
 
Happnestance,

You have described one of my worst nightmares. I would fall a part if my niece or futre child would be abused. I too try to be hyper vigilant hoping I can be smarted, but I know it is impossible to be perfect.

From your post I'm a bit confused ... are you now seeing a therapist? From a teenager perspective why should he do something you are unwilling to do yourself?

What do you mean by his future??? Do you mean academics and a career? Or do you mean a future that is healthy and in full recovery from his abuse??
 
Happenstance - While I can fully imagine the pain you feel for having been abused, I cannot begin to imagine the added anguish of knowing your step-son has been hurt so badly as well. I am sorry you're going through this. And I'm happy you've found this site. I think you will find a great deal of support here from a great group of people.

I have a few suggestions that I'd thought I'd throw out there, I hope they are helpful.

First of all, your position of taking care of your step-son before taking care of yourself is admirable. I know I would throw myself in front of a speeding locomotive to save my daughter. But, in this scenario, it might be misguided. The old adage "You need to help yourself before you can help others" rings true here...if that's how the old adage goes. But you get my point.

You speak of your future looking bleak. Fifteen year old kids can pick up on this type of thing. If your step-son sees this in you, especially since he knows your history of being abused, he may feel that his future is as bleak.

He is probably confused too that you have not gotten help for yourself. I think it's very important that you've shared your history with him. Now he knows he is not alone. But you don't have the ability to share with him how much therapy can help because you haven't had that experience. He's being given mixed messages. Don't give up on yourself and he may get the message to not give up on his self.

You are a great resource for him right now. You could be a greater resource for him and improve your own outlook at the same time by getting some professional help. Certainly you've gotten that message from some of the posts you've read through here. It might even make sense, at some point, if not now, to consider joint therapy with your step-son. You even point out that the similarities are striking...there's something to that.

I would also like to suggest reading, educating yourself, your step-son and your wife (maybe even his Dad?)about the affects of childhood sexual abuse. One book that I recommend frequently is by Mike Lew, Victims No Longer. That book, in particular, has been tremendously helpful to me and many others.

I wish you and your family well. I hope this has been of some help. And I hope you keep coming here, reading and posting. The people here are some of the best I've ever encountered. Your wife might find some support on the Family and Friends forum here as well. Sharing the horrors that result from childhood sexual abuse only helps to diminish them. Damned if your whole family couldn't use a little of that.

Peace - John
 
Hi Happenstance,

Welcome to MS. I am so sorry for the pain you and your step son have experienced. I look forward to the day when this sort of thing will be a thing of the past. Until then I guess we just have to do the best we can being vigilant, and when that fails being a support to those who are walking the road behind us.

I would have to agree with the sentiment expressed by others. For sure, the boy needs the appropriate intervention by caring professionals and loving parents. But also, he needs to see his parental role model facing his own issues for the reasons mentioned in the posts above. Perhaps you could work through this thing together, supporting each other as you go.

I hope you are not feeling ganged up on here. I know that is not the intention of anyone posting here. It's just that we have been walking the path to healing for a while now and can see the value of therapy and other interventions from the other end of the path.

Whatever path you choose to take, please know that we are here to support you in any way we can.

Courage my friend,

John
 
I see great value in you asking for help here. You'll get great help from guys who care, know and understand.

Please place great importance on the feedback you get here. We all know this is about real peoples lives (and their childrens lives). This is no game and we realise that.

Having said that, I would ask that you re-read what "Sinking" said (John). I would have said the same things but I think he did it far better than I could have.

Please take his (and others advice). That's why you're here to help your step son (and I hope you are seeing, that you can help yourself as well).

Wishing you the very best.
 
Happenstance,

It is so difficult to know what to say on the basis of one post, but here are some ideas.

First, I would agree with the others above and suggest that your son will certainly notice that in placing him in therapy you are expecting him to do something that you are not doing. Therapy is frightening and daunting for anyone, and especially a teenager I think, so I hope you are not underestimating what a challenge this is for him. As others have said, this is not to gang up on you. But I think the observation is spot-on.

On other points: When you talk to your son, how do you approach him? I ask because many times teenagers don't want anyone to fix things for them, they just need someone to listen while they explode. If his father is the intimidating sort, and as he told him already to "get over it", the boy may have "learned" that he doesn't have a right to his feelings, especially if they seem weak and "unmanly".

This is just a stab in the dark, but here are my thoughts on the drugs and stealing.

I was abused from age 11 to 14, and after the abuse ended I have to say that things felt even worse. I felt all alone, guilty, shamed and worthless and I was full of anger at the world. To cope with this whirlwind of emotions I turned to alcohol and then drugs, and then various combinations of both. At one level I was acting out my feelings, at another I was just trying to ease the pain, if only temporarily. My thought would be that your son is doing the same.

The stealing strikes me as a bit different, but again acting out. A boy who feels worthless from abuse will often turn to actions that ALSO make him feel worthless, but at least are under his own control. The stealing may also be a plea for help and attention and his way of saying "it's not fucking fair!!!".

This kid needs a lot of hugs and love and just plain attention, and wherever possible it would be better to avoid any hint to him that he is screwing up and letting his future go down the toilet. Right now he couldn't care less about the future; his pain is here and now.

He needs to know that you love him and are there for him no matter what, but I think he also needs clear boundaries. He needs to know that your love for him is unconditional, and that if you react to his bad actions that is something else entirely. I think teens need clear limits and feel insecure without them. It's a tightrope act for the parents and man, I don't envy your position.

Keep us posted, and I hope the situation you currently have can be relieved. My own view is that this isn't a do-it-yourself project and the guidance of a good therapist will probably be essential. Since after a year you are still not getting results it might be a good idea to change therapists - the methods or personality of his current one just may not suit his needs.

Much love,
Larry
 
First off, let me thank each of you for responding. Let me also assure you I do not feel "ganged up on"; quite the contrary, I appreciate every sliver of advise you guys have imparted. I certainly appreciate your concerns about my own problem, and would like to take a few seconds to elaborate. Not to tell my story, as I am sure you all know the details of such stories can be as un-necessary as they are necessary.
Most importantly, for Larry/Roadrunner, for John/Sinking, for John/walking, and especially for Born to Resist; each of you struck a nerve in your replys, and perhaps that is what I needed most. I don't know if this is the proper place to put this, and I will try to be as brief as possible.
I was 7, the sitter was fourteen or fifteen. His brother and I were "friends", and his brother initiated me with little things. Then the babysitting job for his older brother. I was not raped. Let me state that, in case anyone thinks the worst possible things happened to me, as they did not. Other people's stories are most certainly more tragic and horrific than mine. I recall seeing in the rules to this place that graphic terminology is not allowed, so I will simply say this: at 7, I could not understand why anyone would have interest in my mother's dirty underwear, or why they would think I would.(Occasionally I am actually able to find humor in this; if you saw my mother, the last thing that would ever cross your mind is sniffing her panties!)
Next was when he sat on the toilet. The most I will say is there are some parts that blur a bit; you know what was happening, but the stark details are not there. Like looking at it from outside a frosted window. But there are distinct things, sights, smells, that stick with me and deliver up quite specificly detailed memories. On of these is looking up at him and saying "No, 'cause I don't want you to pee in my mouth." I recall his smile, and the slow shake of his head.
There were other things, not as bad as that. But they are enough to make me highly upset if my children do not have a drink at meal time. I will never use a blue ink pen or allow one in my house or in the hands of my children. It took me a while to get over my fear of Lego's and pencils, and electric race tracks.
Some things I have overcome, some I have not. Thing is, I can shut mine off when I need to. I am aware enough to know that this is not the right way to deal with my issues. But, I also see what all of you are saying when you point out that I must lead by example.
That is harder than you could know. I make enough money to pay the bills and keep food on the table. My wife works part time, while the kids are in school. I refuse to trust a day care center with my kids. I refuse to hire a babysitter. So my wife cannot work full time. The co-pay for me would be $35.00; we already spend money on a co-pay for my stepson, and I'd rather that money be allocated to him, not me. His father provides his insurance, but as he lives with us we pay the co-pay. I'm not complaining about it--just saying that money is always tight, and I'd rather it go to him. As he needs the guidance more than I, joint therapy would not be feasible as I think he would need to go often to help keep him on the right path.
It is so difficult not to just fold myself up and give up. The hardest thing is to keep going, to keep getting up every morning. It would be so much easier to fold myself up and slide myself in the three inch gap between the washer and dryer and just hide there. Sounds stupid now that I reread it. Sounds like someone crying out for help. Jesus, little pathetic me.
I want to help him. I need to help him. He was molested by his fucking baseball coach. On my watch. He lives with me and his mother, and I could not protect him from the one thing in the world I knew about, knew for sure that monsters did exist and I know who they are but I let him go. It happened because I didn't say "no, you cannot take my stepson to the Golden Fucking Corral". I didn't say no. I fucked up his life. I have to help him.
So screw my problems. How can I be worried about myself right now? He is the one that matters. I have two other kids. If I can't help him, what right do I have to think I can protect the other two? I failed the one. I cannot fail the others, too.
sorry, guys. Did what I said I wouldn't. Thanks for all your help so far.
 
Happenstance - I can feel your pain and anguish leaping off of my screen and I feel terribly for you. I'm happy you're open to the suggestions you've received and that you're able to recognize that all here mean well.

Please re-read your most recent post. It's true, you are calling out for help. And don't be mistaken, that in no way makes you weak. It makes you stronger, won't feel that way, but it's true. It takes a strong man to know he needs help and a stronger one to seek it. What you have been so successfully keeping down for so long is coming to the surface. What your son went through is bringing everything around full circle. And, I'm afraid, once it comes to the surface, there's no putting back down again.

Please don't try to compare your abuse to mine or anyone elses. It was abuse. It was not your fault and you deserve, like all of us here, to heal and recover from that.

Likewise, it was not your fault that your son was abused. The fault belongs to one person only and that is the baseball coach. It will certainly take some time to sort that out, but no one else did this except the baseball coach. I wish there was a way we could be with our children 24 hours a day, but then we would be depriving them of life. We simply can not always be there to protect them from the real monsters in this world.

The memories that you have, blurred though they may be, and the flashbacks, the connections to the drinks at mealtime, the blue inked pens, etc. are all signs that everything is coming back up for you. You are calling out for help. That is courageous.

I understand how money matter can be a deterrent to getting help. But there are ways. You local Rape Crisis Center may offer help free of charge. There are state funded programs in nearly every state that work on a sliding scale to ensure that those who can not afford help, but need it, have access to it.

I know I'm skating a thin line here. I hope I don't push you away. Trying to convince someone who doesn't want help to get it is not always best. But I hear it in your words, you want the help and you need the help.

You say "screw my problems". Impossible now, they are two-fold. His problems are yours and yours are his. For some reason the timing is such that you will walk this path together and you've got an army of men walking with you here. Don't fold up, now is not the time.

I'm pulling for you, your son and your family. If I can be of help in finding you assistance in your area, or if you feel you want to talk, please PM me. I'll keep you in my thoughts. - John
 
Happenstance,

In less than a week I am going to the States to tell my Dad the things you know about your son, and I will be telling him the same thing John has just said to you. It is so very important to understand that what happened to your step-son is NOT your fault. Your boy had every right to be able to go out for a meal with his coach and you had every right to think you could trust the coach. You did not fuck up his life. In fact, it will be with YOUR strength and support that he will recover and get back onto an even keel. It isn't an easy thing to do, but hopefully soon you will see that ALL of the guilt can be thrown back in the face of a monster who would hurt a kid for his own sick fun.

Again echoing John, don't give up on yourself, because if you do that you give up on your step-son. In the same way, if you shut down on yourself you are in fact shutting down on the reality of what abuse means, both for yourself and your step-son. You have not one, but THREE kids who need you in this. Your recovery and welfare is bound up in theirs.

We are all here as survivors who need help bro, but we are also here as survivors who care and offer support. We are with you all the way.

Much love,
Larry
 
Happenstance,

I have very little time to post anything right now but I want you to know that I weep for and with you and the boy.

Larry and 1st John said it very eloquently.

I really care Bro,

2nd John
 
Spoke briefly with my stepson over the weekend. By the way, I have always hated refering to him as my stepson. I have known him since he was 2, and have had a hand in raising him ever since. How can you refer to someone as a "stepson" when you taught them how to blow their nose and wipe their own butt? I'll refer to him from here on as Doe(which is actually a take on his knickname, and not that far off base!).

Anyways, spoke to Doe this weekend about joint therapy. He was not too open at first; I noticed the hesitation, but then he said if it was something I wanted to do that he would. This means one of two things coming from my teenager; either he would rather I be there for support of him or he wants me to heal myself. I find myself reading way too much into things lately, but I have become rather concerned with every thing he does in order to keep him from making any more mistakes. We did let him buy an electric typewriter at a garage sale this weekend, and I think that helped him focus a bit more.

At any rate, I have to figure a way for he and I to do this together. I have to arrange it with work, which will be difficult enough. Not even sure how to broach the subject with my boss; not that I have any intention of starting off the conversation by saying "I was molested in Stuttgart Germany 30 years ago and hey! now I'm screwed up!". (am trying desperately to keep some sort of humor in this whole thing--it has always been one of my strongest beliefs that if you cannot laugh at yourself, you have no business laughing at all) Not that my boss would be receptive to it; he is the type that all he is concerned with is what you are doing while you are at work. Everything else is secondary.

Once again, I appreciate the private messages, the encouragement, and the advise from all of you. Even just the support of short messages has been a help. But, you all knew that already. I had no idea when I came across this site that grown men could lean on each other and support each other the way you all have me. Thanks for reminding me there are others my age that it happened to, that I'm not alone in this. Will let you know how things with the joint therapy fares.
 
Happenstance - many people think that my boss is an uncaring cow. I found out differently when I told her the basics about being abused (nearly 2 years ago now - Dec 18th 2003).

I was right in the middle of completely loosing my marbles...she got me some support & to cut a long story short, I am taking my abuser to court (all of the initial steps are over) & will face him early next year.

In addition to this, my outlook has changed so much. I have now been selected by my boss to go to Hungary & help to set up a new business there (put the control systems in to ensure steady production).

I could very nearly have left this planet 2 years ago - it doesn't have to be like that.

For those that are new here, I was actually abused way back in 1969.

Sometimes we have to trust!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Happenstance - Wow! Doe wants you to be part of his healing and he wants to be part of yours. I'm sure this will be a profound experience that will provide a truly uncommon bond between a man and his son.

You both show great courage, you for suggesting joint counseling and him for accepting it. I can't imagine feeling less alone.

Good luck with working things out with your boss. Please keep us posted. And let Doe know that he's got a great deal of support coming from a bunch of guys he doesn't even know. I hope you both can feel the energy!! - John
 
Happenstance,

I'm pleased that Doe has at least consented to working together with you. I will be hoping and sending good thought your way that this will be the beginning of something beautiful for you both, and that the logistics can be worked out for it to happen.

Continue to visit us here and let us know how things progress.

I wish you the best my friend,

John
 
Happenstance

Sounds to me like you're doing all the right things. I think the most important thing one in your place to do is to help your son accept himself by your acceptance of him. When a parent accepts a child no matter what it makes it easier for the child to accept themself.

Hang in there and welcome to MS

Darrel
 
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