New and feeling completely crazy

New and feeling completely crazy
Rik that is good news. I am happy for you.

I wanted to update anyone who has been reading this thread. I left the house today and am in a safe place. I've decided to never doubt myself again.

What happened was this: I woke up this morning and my parents were gone. I left the house and walked around and denied it all and wondered again if I was crazy. And then it started raining, pouring in fact, and I finally found shelter. And I sat there and I admitted my terror to myself. That every year at the same time I have a long, debilitating and terrifying flashback. And that was enough. I called my T and told him I had decided to leave. And then I did. And I cried. And then I felt free for the first time. It'll go away tomorrow I know and it will all get complicated and hard again, but I'm on the road to recovery now and I am never, ever stepping off it again. Thanks. I wish you all peace and justice.
 
TW,

It sounds like you have made some crucial decisions and I hope they work out for you. Please do keep posting here and let us know how you are doing.

Much love,
Larry
 
Just seconding Larry's caring words. I, too, was concerned about those living arrangements. Please continue to be good to yourself.

Take Care
 
TW,

I still have several years of my childhood to remember. It sucks not knowing...but there is a reason for not knowing. I believe that my body and soul are not ready to handle it. I have had to come to grips with that issues.

You can try forcing memories if you want, but that usually does not work. The recovery process is not on your schedule...it is on your inner child's.

I don't know if anyone has asked this, BUT ARE YOU SAFE WHERE YOU ARE CURRENTLY LIVING? IF NOT, FIND ANOTHER PLACE.

Take care of yourself.

Danny
 
TW, The situations are a little different, but the memories are almost exact. Talk when you have time, or if you want to. Bobby
 
Yes. I am safe. I am trying to relax and it is difficult. My mind is racing a little. I will have to set up my account to allow messages. Then I would very much like to correspond. Best.
 
hi, I'm just jumping on this post. I think you're extremely brave for admitting something so terrible about your own father. Last year, my father physically attacked me over a silly argument about his computer not working. He jumped on me, started choking me, and yelling in my face as I tried to kick him off of me. After this happened, all of the years that I felt like my dad really believed there was something terrible about me, that he secretly didn't like me, and that he hated me...all of it came to full fruition in this one event. I really believed it without excusing it as all in my head. That's tough to do and you're sure to suffer because of facing it, but it proves that you're no longer a victim, you're a fighter now.
 
I'm a fighter and a survivor for sure. My gut feeling is that my father has some symptoms of a disorder called Aspergers syndrome, and from what I understand that disorder causes people to objectify other people and living things, or something like that. This is allowing me to make sense of what happened without feeling he is crazy or evil, and that is allowing me a little peace of mind. Right now it is difficult because my siblings have decided I might have "a major mental illness." Which I understand wholeheartedly given that I tried to find every other possible explanation for why I seem to have had the same problems for so long in my life. C'est la vie. I feel stronger, braver, more confident and more able to be an adult with purpose and passion than I ever have. I'm slowly letting go of the hope there is any other explanation for what happened in my life. And despite the horror, I still feel better than I ever have. Tomorrow's another day. Much love to all.
 
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