New and feeling completely crazy

New and feeling completely crazy
T

testingWaters

Hello,

I have been working with a therapist for several months who has finally earned my trust. My body seems to be remembering sexual abuse by my father with increasing clarity. In therapy I've come to see that some of my less threatening memories are pretty much sanitized, safe versions of the past. I guess I sound a little formal while I'm writing this but I'm completely wound up. I feel totally frozen and paralyzed. Half of me thinks i'm completely making this up to explain confusion about my sexual identity. But I think the rest of me has reached a point where that no longer makes any sense. The more that I let myself remember, the more I can picture freedom from something which has paralyzed me as long as I can remember. Yet the more I remember the more preposterous it seems to have denied so much. I want someone to tell me I am not crazy. Even though I know only I can do that. Thanks for listening.
 
Hey Waters. My story happens to be one that I totally remember, but I've noticed that many come here because they're having issues exactly the same as you describe. Read the posts and you will find many people with similar stories of dissociation and memory retrieval at the most unexpected times.

I suggest that you talk to those with these similar backgrounds, they can help you find the answers that you're looking for.
 
TW - I always remembered, but tried not too...it didn't work. Eventually our minds just bring it back to the top of the bill.

Being abused as a child creates a lot of confusion. It leads to disrespecting yourself! It's not us that deserves disrespect, it's those who abused us!

Welcome to MS & thanks for having the courage to make your first post.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
I was feeling crazy too when i first began my recovery. I wasn't and I doubt you are either. Lots of hope on the other side of feeeling crazy.
 
Thank you all for your kind replies. I'm not sure if this will resonate with some of you, but part of what is bothering me is that if this were a fantasy or something that I'd made up, then everything would be ok. Funny, putting that on paper immediately makes me see a child's logic at work. Please bear with me over the next few days. I will be reading and posting and I'm not sure I have ever needed support so much in my life as I do at this moment. Thank you so much.
 
just so you know dont be surprised if somewhere down the road you wish you never remembered,but i think we have to remember to get over it .and no your not crazy shadow
 
Welcome tW.

I sure hope you find what you are looking for here. Shadow said it best in the post above this one. I remember cursing God and everybody over the fact that I had finally remembered what happened to me. You know what? now that I'm on this side of those first 2 years or so, I'm doing so much better.

No, you're not crazy.

Lots of love,

John
 
I remembered through my body as well, stuff that I blocked out for 26 years. It all came awake as a physical sensation and was completely overwhelming. I think we remember when we are safe enough to do this and I think that some part of our psyche releases it to help us heal and move forward. I think a lot of people never remember and although this is the most sickening thing I have ever dealt with I am glad I am not living a half life somehwere in the dark, blind to the effects of the abuse on my life.
I flooded when I was remembering and lost my mind. Started abusing drugs. I had a wreckless T who pushed me. I am saying this because I urge you to be gentle on yourself, loving and to keep yourself under really good care. This is a crucial time in your life. I wish I had taken better care of myself during this time and moved a bit slower. You're not crazy tho. Reality is crazy.
All the best.
 
I'm posting to thank everyone who has replied. And for myself I guess. Full disclosure, and this may be a bit much so forgive me, says I have to tell you this.

First, I am staying with my parents right now. Which means my dad is a few doors down. And second, I'm a little drunk. Forgive me but I have no idea how the f*ck else I would cope right now. Over the past few days I have done my best to avoid him. I saw him this evening and I think he caught on that something is awry. He called out my name and he sounded like a hurt, small, vulnerable child. I could not look him in the eye and had to leave the house to get away and sob endlessly. I don't know if anyone else has been through this but I felt so, so, so guilty. Where I was crying and did not want to blame him and it terrified me, but had to remind myself that I was not responsible for what he had done. Then I found myself thinking of my mom, who I love very much, and remembering not wanting her to be humiliated by being married to a man capable of such things.

I feel so so so alone right now. I have no idea what I am going to do. And thankfully my therapist is the opposite of reckless and I trust him wholeheartedly but I feel so so so confused.

Really anyone who posts, I am so so grateful. I very much wish someone could pull me out of this or I could wake up and realize its all a bad dream. Sorry if this is disjointed. I just have no idea how it is all going to work out. Thank you so much.
 
Hello Waters,

I have very few crystal clear memories(as if I am replaying a movie in my mind) of the abuse but have had impressions from dreams and body memories which helped me piece some of it together. There is a period after the initial abuse where I remember absolutely nothing(total blank). Somtimes I find it increduous myself that such traumatic, life-altering events could be temporarily wiped out of my consciousness even realizing it was most probably a coping mechanism. it is never any fun to find yourself suddenly bitten in the ass by something you may have barely realized existed but it some way or another, it seems, the yoke of being completely unaware of your own experiences, no matter how painful, takes its own toll.

I am glad you found a therapist you can trust though it is very unfortunate about your current living situation. I am curious if your therapist has offered any suggestions on how to resolve THAT situation. I have no idea how I would have handled living in the immediate vicinity of the perp but all the feelings you are going through are perfectly understandable. Also what makes it kinda funny that even when more and more comes to light and you better understand what occured, you STILL wake up some mornings and think I'm crazy and maybe it was all a dream. Bot there is something beyond the confusion and pain and shame that you will come to realize that will make this entire process worth it. Hang in there. Thinking of you.
 
PS I wryly laughed at your self consciousness over your "formalness" in your intial post. One thing I like about this forum is that you can express yourself in whatever capacity you are capable of without fear of judgement.
 
tw,

The things you are saying in your posts above are things that sound so familiar to many here. I say this in order to point out that you are not alone. We've been there. You are traveling the same path we have, just with a few different details along the way.

You are doing the right things in talking about it here and with your "T". Just keep talking, saying what you are experiencing. Put it all out there, as you are able, so it can be examined and be seen for what it is.

I understand the what it's like to weep over what your parent(s) did to you. The guilt can throw you into a depression that's hard to pull out of. Keep working on it and talking about it. You'll begin to see the way through.

Lots of love,

John
 
Thank you for more replies.

I am maybe a little better. Things are moving quickly. I confronted my mother today and it went ok. I have been avoiding my father and I have finally said out loud (to myself) what happened. I was raped.

I saw my therapist today and it was good. I am sure others will have had the same experience but it is a little odd to (finally) have a safe space in which you feel strong and able to really believe in your memories, perceptions and experiences. Wonderfully odd.

I told my T about posting here, saying it was a little like going to my first AA meeting. He said it was a little like coming out of the closet. I responded with alot of discomfort. And I am bothered by my response because yes, it is like coming out of the closet. But that metaphor is really charged for me, kind of a trigger. I hid so much in the possibility that maybe it was something about my body, that I was feminine, etc. and it morphed into me blaming myself by saying to myself that maybe I was gay and that caused what happened. But then I feel angry now because even if I were/was gay, it would change nothing, and I would like to genuinely believe I'm not a homophobe. If anything I think my father was a major homophobe and it may have been a part of what contributed to his actions. Maybe that last part is what I need to look at.

Otherwise, thank you so much for reading. I appreciate it. I'll be leaving here in a few weeks and I have the feeling (not all bad) that I might never be back. It makes me cry and yet I think I'll be alright.

Peace, love and hippy-dippy stuff to all.
 
Forgive me for posting twice but it feels like I'm crying all the time and stepping out of a goddamned dream of years and years and years. I get in the car and drive and I say out loud that my father - my fucking father -- raped me when i was a 7 year old boy. and then i step back into my hiding places. and then i think maybe maybe maybe - i'm making this up. folllowed by, why in gods name would i make this up? and then its like the opposite of dissociation where i catch myself reading this - looking at myself posting here on a web site for men who were sexually abused and it's like a dream. I'm a grown man still suffering from PTSD who thinks his father might have been a very well-guarded crazy, abusive narcissist. And I'm so fucking angry that this is my life. But at least (!) I don't want to kill myself anymore. Thanks again.
 
hey tw --

So great that you found this sight -- I wish I had earlier on. I have known about if for years but just started posting. Your comment about the anger really resonated . . . and how at least you don't want to kill yourself anymore. I turned all the anger towards my father against myself for years, and absorbed and believed so much of his contempt. It has taken me 4 years of therapy to discover that I am pissed and enraged and to see how I have been turning all of it inward, only hurting and limiting myself. You are in the healing process. Be good to yourself and right now put yourself first. Look forward to hearing more from you.
Cheers, J
 
TW,

The things of which you speak sound so familiar. If you are crazy, so are all the rest of us. And because all the rest of us are not crazy, neither are you.

Love ya

Darrel
 
Thanks to all, again. The mind is an incredible machine and an incredible, incredible survival mechanism. For the first time lately I've been feeling like a total f*ing champion just for being here now to tell my story and with hopefully alot of life left ahead of me.

Peace and love. I'm glad I'm not alone. Never knew it....
 
I wondered if I had got it all wrong, when I first made my statement over 3 decades after the event.

I hadn't, because when I made my complaint, the police wanted a full, official statement straight away!

It took several months, then the case went for a hearing at the local Magistrates Court. The charges were publicised locally. Someone else came forward. I still doubted myself. Then someone else came forward! I still doubted myself.

Conviction was achieved (March this year)! I now know that there were many others!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
PS - I remembered everything that I had tried to forget!
 
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