Neverending series of disappointments

[lutonjim]

This is the first time i have posted here & i really thought I no longer needed to use these kind of sites.
I live in England & been thru' counselling but i was told something today that knocked me back, again.
A girl i like but she wanted us to be "friends" told me she was pregnant today, the guy has dumped her. I would absolutely love to be involved with this girl but she doesn't feel the same.
I ache to be in a family but it won't happen for me, why?
Am i branded, can people see i am damaged, why don't anyone want to love me?
I am bored & lonely, i want it to change but i don't know how to change it.

 

[roadrunner]

Jim,

My first thought would be that a pregnant woman who has been abandoned by the father of her expected child will probably be very upset and traumatized. Certainly she would have every right to feel utterly used and betrayed. The problem may just be that she isn't interested in involvement with a man right now.

That said, it's very common for survivors to feel unlovable. That's something we have carried along with us from boyhood and the feeling can be very destructive. For example, a survivor who feels he cannot be loved may, without realizing what he is doing, do things to ruin new relationships; he supposes that his efforts will end in failure or abandonment regardless of what he does, so rather than face that he would prefer rather to undermine the whole thing early on.

Changing a situation that arises from abuse as a child is very difficult, because we cannot just identify one issue and deal with that alone. Our various issues as survivors are all tangled together and we have to work on them more or less together. Progress is slow, but it does come.

You are not "branded", Jim, though survivors often feel that way. No one can "see" what has happened to you. But usually recovery requires the help of a professional therapist; it's really not a do-it-yourself proposition.

One thing you can start to do on your own is to try to adopt a more positive attitude towards yourself and be yourself. Self-confidence and self-esteem show through so easily and will mean a lot to a woman looking for someone she would like to spend time with.

And if your first efforts don't get you anywhere, don't read that as a sign that you are doomed to failure. That too is an easy trap for a survivor to fall into.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Kirk Wayne]

Hi Jim

Welcome to MS I wondered when you would find us.

Stick close, there is a lot of collected wisdom on this message board, it has helped me and no doubt it will help you. Once again welcome aboard.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit".

 

Hello Jim,

I thought that for many many years. One day I stopped looking and found the love of my life.

Welcome

(despite the name Im from the UK too, a little north of you though!!)