never trusting a shrink again (cursing in this post)
never trusting a shrink again (cursing in this post)
- Thread starterkuurt
- Start date
roadrunner
Registrant
Kurt,
It's very important that you let out how you feel about this letter business. Jake is right of course. The way your mother reacted is way beyond wrong.
I hope you will not be too badly affected by this bro. I too wonder if this was a letter to you that your mother opened by mistake. I don't know what state law is in Louisiana, but in many places a 16 year old's privacy is a matter of LAW. I hope you will go to the school shrink and ask what the hell happened. You have a right to some answers here.
Kurt, you say this near the end of your post:
Much love,
Larry
It's very important that you let out how you feel about this letter business. Jake is right of course. The way your mother reacted is way beyond wrong.
I hope you will not be too badly affected by this bro. I too wonder if this was a letter to you that your mother opened by mistake. I don't know what state law is in Louisiana, but in many places a 16 year old's privacy is a matter of LAW. I hope you will go to the school shrink and ask what the hell happened. You have a right to some answers here.
Kurt, you say this near the end of your post:
That's an easy one. You did NOTHING wrong! It looks like the school has noticed that you aren't feeling so great, hence you getting called in. It was the right thing to be honest on that questionnaire and your mother should have recognized that, especially if she works with other people on their emotional problems.
Much love,
Larry
Kurt,
Sh**! What to say? I am so sorry that happened. You did nothing wrong, my friend. Nothing at all. You should have been able to trust what the woman told you. If I were you, I would go back to that counselors office first chance you get and in a calm but very firm way expect answers from her on why you were so unfairly betrayed. I'd put the ball right back in her court telling her the damage she's done. She needs to hear from you what a ball up she's made of this. Again, remain calm, but tell it like you see it so there's no doubt in anyones mind where you stand.
That's what I would do. You of course have to consider all aspects and do what you feel is best.
Lots of love,
John
Sh**! What to say? I am so sorry that happened. You did nothing wrong, my friend. Nothing at all. You should have been able to trust what the woman told you. If I were you, I would go back to that counselors office first chance you get and in a calm but very firm way expect answers from her on why you were so unfairly betrayed. I'd put the ball right back in her court telling her the damage she's done. She needs to hear from you what a ball up she's made of this. Again, remain calm, but tell it like you see it so there's no doubt in anyones mind where you stand.
That's what I would do. You of course have to consider all aspects and do what you feel is best.
Lots of love,
John
she is the one being selfish. listen to what she says. it's all about her. you are her son, and you are hurting. instead of trying to comfort and help, or asking what lead you to that office to begin with, she is only thinking of how she looks.
almost no teen is going to get along with thier parents. anyone familiar with teens at all knows that. that tension is what drives us from the nest to become our own person, and it is perfectly normal. she wouldnt be your friend? that burns me too. parents are just that. the ones that trying being a friend instead of a parent always end up with messed up kids.
dont even get me started on the school therapist. i understand that the school needed to protect themselves, but i am afraid i dont agree with how they went about it. stop for a moment and consider the school's position. if they knew you were hurting, and kept it quiet, what happens if you commit suicide a month from now? talk about law suit. what is totally wrong is that they lied to you, and if i were you i would likely confront this person. i would have to remind her it was supposed to be confidential, and you feel betrayed and angry. like i said i kind of understand why they shared this with your mom, but i feel they shouldnt have held it up as confidential if it wasnt, and they should have worked with you, and tried to let you go to her first. this whole thing was bungled.
i want you to know, it isnt always like this. i hope you can reach out again, to a therapist you choose. you'll find it isnt the same. i think what ticks me off the most is that they have set your recovery back so far by what they've done, because you will need that help somewhere along the line, and now they've made it harder for you to get it. shame on your mom! shame on this therapist!
almost no teen is going to get along with thier parents. anyone familiar with teens at all knows that. that tension is what drives us from the nest to become our own person, and it is perfectly normal. she wouldnt be your friend? that burns me too. parents are just that. the ones that trying being a friend instead of a parent always end up with messed up kids.
dont even get me started on the school therapist. i understand that the school needed to protect themselves, but i am afraid i dont agree with how they went about it. stop for a moment and consider the school's position. if they knew you were hurting, and kept it quiet, what happens if you commit suicide a month from now? talk about law suit. what is totally wrong is that they lied to you, and if i were you i would likely confront this person. i would have to remind her it was supposed to be confidential, and you feel betrayed and angry. like i said i kind of understand why they shared this with your mom, but i feel they shouldnt have held it up as confidential if it wasnt, and they should have worked with you, and tried to let you go to her first. this whole thing was bungled.
i want you to know, it isnt always like this. i hope you can reach out again, to a therapist you choose. you'll find it isnt the same. i think what ticks me off the most is that they have set your recovery back so far by what they've done, because you will need that help somewhere along the line, and now they've made it harder for you to get it. shame on your mom! shame on this therapist!
kuurt ,i'm so sorry something that took so much courage from you turned out so bad ,my advice tell them both to go fuck themselves! there is only one normal truthfull person in your life and that is you. please dont let this push you back into the dark ,come here talk to us ,i dont think that anybody could have done a worse thing to you if they tried ,the person at school should be fired and your mother ,well i dont think she deserves any clients because she is in no condition to help anybody , kuurt sometimes doing the right thing can be the hardest ,it is eaiser to just keep it down inside ,but you did the right thing ,just always know that ok? hey your still a hero to me buddy. i dont want to rag on your mom but she needs therapy much worse than you do ,selfish bitch! adam
Kuurt:
The counselor was way wrong to send a copy of the survey to your mother without discussing it with you first. Professional obligations in most states require a mental health professional to notify someone when a person makes threats to hurt themselves or others.
As a "shrink", I've never gone over the head of a person who has talked about hurting himself or another. That's the professional's obligation to you. You can go to her directly and confront her about this, if you want to. Or, you can ask for a meeting with her supervisor to discuss this. Whether or not she thought you might act on your feelings (and what teen has never felt like killing themselves from time to time?), she should have talked with you to get a better idea of whether you were just having a bad day or had an active plan to do yourself in.
On the other hand, you mother was very inappropriate to come down on you that way. Whether or not she had legitimate reason to worry that as a counsellor to teens she might "look bad" and lose referrals, she should have been supportive of you to find out what was going on with you and if necessary, refer you to another professional for help. Her concerns about her referral base were out of line.
Don't dismiss all counsellors by the behaviors of a couple who were inappropriate. I'm sorry your trust was betrayed by a counsellor who should have acted more professionally and by a counsellor/mother who should have acted more like a mother.
Ken Singer
The counselor was way wrong to send a copy of the survey to your mother without discussing it with you first. Professional obligations in most states require a mental health professional to notify someone when a person makes threats to hurt themselves or others.
As a "shrink", I've never gone over the head of a person who has talked about hurting himself or another. That's the professional's obligation to you. You can go to her directly and confront her about this, if you want to. Or, you can ask for a meeting with her supervisor to discuss this. Whether or not she thought you might act on your feelings (and what teen has never felt like killing themselves from time to time?), she should have talked with you to get a better idea of whether you were just having a bad day or had an active plan to do yourself in.
On the other hand, you mother was very inappropriate to come down on you that way. Whether or not she had legitimate reason to worry that as a counsellor to teens she might "look bad" and lose referrals, she should have been supportive of you to find out what was going on with you and if necessary, refer you to another professional for help. Her concerns about her referral base were out of line.
Don't dismiss all counsellors by the behaviors of a couple who were inappropriate. I'm sorry your trust was betrayed by a counsellor who should have acted more professionally and by a counsellor/mother who should have acted more like a mother.
Ken Singer
Kuurt,
First off: YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!! You were trying to allow yourself to open a little bit to try and move past what happened. Don't let this little setback turn you off to the idea of trusting people, there are good ones and bad ones everywhere, in every profession. You took a HUGE step by trusting the school counselor enough to tell what you did, don't regress to a total non-trusting point again. Read what Ken said again and realize not all shrinks are lying idiots.
I wish I could help you with your mother dude, I am one of the lucky ones who was believed when I finally told (20 years after it happened). Would it help to have a rational, controlled talk with her that your issues are your issues, and until YOU decide to talk to her about them, they are none of her business? Maybe a family counselor to sit in between the two of you to keep each other from screaming at each other?
BTW, John is right, go back to that liar in the school office and ler her know that not only has she lied and betrayed YOUR trust, but you will be happy to let everyone else in the school know that she can't be trusted. Go to the Principal (make an appointment with him/her) and explain what happened and how you were betrayed. Get a hold of the State licensing agency for mental health counselors and file a formal complaint. These ideas may seem like a lot of work, but you should not let yourself be a victim again. Stand up for yourself and the feeling that you did something wrong will go away.
Hang in there bro, we're pulling for you. You are so much farther down the road to recovery than most of us were (or are) at a much younger age.
Keep up the good work, and I'll say it again to make sure you understand:
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!
First off: YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!! You were trying to allow yourself to open a little bit to try and move past what happened. Don't let this little setback turn you off to the idea of trusting people, there are good ones and bad ones everywhere, in every profession. You took a HUGE step by trusting the school counselor enough to tell what you did, don't regress to a total non-trusting point again. Read what Ken said again and realize not all shrinks are lying idiots.
I wish I could help you with your mother dude, I am one of the lucky ones who was believed when I finally told (20 years after it happened). Would it help to have a rational, controlled talk with her that your issues are your issues, and until YOU decide to talk to her about them, they are none of her business? Maybe a family counselor to sit in between the two of you to keep each other from screaming at each other?
BTW, John is right, go back to that liar in the school office and ler her know that not only has she lied and betrayed YOUR trust, but you will be happy to let everyone else in the school know that she can't be trusted. Go to the Principal (make an appointment with him/her) and explain what happened and how you were betrayed. Get a hold of the State licensing agency for mental health counselors and file a formal complaint. These ideas may seem like a lot of work, but you should not let yourself be a victim again. Stand up for yourself and the feeling that you did something wrong will go away.
Hang in there bro, we're pulling for you. You are so much farther down the road to recovery than most of us were (or are) at a much younger age.
Keep up the good work, and I'll say it again to make sure you understand:
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!
Kurrt
What happened was appalling, and wrong.
The school counsellor has a duty of care, and a duty of confidetiality. Over here in the UK the sending of a letter such as that would ONLY happen once it was established that only the client would recieve it and open it. That way other people opening letters by mistake won't happen, and I can't imagine the Survivors Charity that I work for even sending a letter with personal and confidential material in it anyway, we only ever send appointment letters.
So complain, strongly.
It's very difficult to know waht to say about your mothers reactions without offending you.
But I would have to say that just about everything she did seemed to be wrong. Especially given her proffession.
But you're in a different situation with your mother, so I guess you need to make decisions about whether to try and repair the damage done.
Hopefully her anger will subside and her maternal instincts will return, I certainly hope so.
Take care
Dave
What happened was appalling, and wrong.
The school counsellor has a duty of care, and a duty of confidetiality. Over here in the UK the sending of a letter such as that would ONLY happen once it was established that only the client would recieve it and open it. That way other people opening letters by mistake won't happen, and I can't imagine the Survivors Charity that I work for even sending a letter with personal and confidential material in it anyway, we only ever send appointment letters.
So complain, strongly.
It's very difficult to know waht to say about your mothers reactions without offending you.
But I would have to say that just about everything she did seemed to be wrong. Especially given her proffession.
But you're in a different situation with your mother, so I guess you need to make decisions about whether to try and repair the damage done.
Hopefully her anger will subside and her maternal instincts will return, I certainly hope so.
Take care
Dave
Kuurt,
You are not to blame at all for any of this. You had every right to expect the confidentiality the counselor promised, and she violated that trust.
As Ken said, however, don't write off everyone because of the misconduct of this particular woman, and the reaction of your mother. Counseling in general is an important tool for us in recovery. Without it, I would still be lost.
You are not to blame at all for any of this. You had every right to expect the confidentiality the counselor promised, and she violated that trust.
As Ken said, however, don't write off everyone because of the misconduct of this particular woman, and the reaction of your mother. Counseling in general is an important tool for us in recovery. Without it, I would still be lost.
roadrunner
Registrant
Kurt,
Much love,
Larry
I think any young survivor would feel like this right now bro, but please do take to heart the point that everyone is making to you: You did nothing wrong. In fact, you did exactly what you needed to do. The problem arises from others who have disappointed you.
Much love,
Larry
dude, please don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. Think about it... just what did YOU do that should cause you to feel this way? You were lied to about the confidentiality. You did not tell the counselor what you did with the expectation that it was going to be reported to your mother, quite the opposite. You expected that what you said would be kept in confidence. Several people have mentioned that there may have been some requirement for the counselor to report the way she did. I say fine, contact the licensing and professional regulating board with this issue and let them decide if what the counselor did was right. Then you will know and can stop blaming yourself for something that was in no way your fault.
ScottyTodd
Registrant
Kuurt - I feel so intensely angry at your situation! That a counselor could ever betray a trust is just "unthinkable"!! I'm sorry for this betrayal. I agree with Ken about their absolute disregard for your confidentiality!
As a "shrink" in Pa. dealing with children & teens, we have a law we call "HIPPA". This LAW requires that I get a "release of information" from anyone 14 and older before I can talk with, disclose about, release to, consult about, acknowledge that I even know, etc. about any one on my caseload! Before you throw "us" all away, you might want to ask some questions about disclosures before you answer questions or trust another therapist!
I am sorry your mother wasn't able to be objective! I too am a father of three children (daughter, 2 sons) and recognize I am their FATHER(parent) first before I worry about 'how I look'. You are important...deserve confidential help... need good support! Don't give up on getting help! Not all "shrinks" are that insensative!!
Howard
As a "shrink" in Pa. dealing with children & teens, we have a law we call "HIPPA". This LAW requires that I get a "release of information" from anyone 14 and older before I can talk with, disclose about, release to, consult about, acknowledge that I even know, etc. about any one on my caseload! Before you throw "us" all away, you might want to ask some questions about disclosures before you answer questions or trust another therapist!
I am sorry your mother wasn't able to be objective! I too am a father of three children (daughter, 2 sons) and recognize I am their FATHER(parent) first before I worry about 'how I look'. You are important...deserve confidential help... need good support! Don't give up on getting help! Not all "shrinks" are that insensative!!
Howard
Regarding Dewey/aka/Dwayne's question, I am not sure how it applies from state to state. I suspect that unless a minor has a specific plan or has threatened suicide or the harm of a SPECIFIC person (as opposed to, "I'm so pissed, I feel like killing someone right now"), the counselor has to respect confidentiality.
Whether you want to go to the professional licensing board or the principal or the counselor's supervisor, I think you'd do everyone a favor in bringing it to the attention of the counselor's supervisor (or prinicipal if that doesn't bring results.)
Not all counselors have the requisite experience or good judgment to be in the positions they are in. I'm all for professional growth. It's better if the counselor gets it in her education or training or from the supervisor, rather than learning the hard way by hurting a student. She was wrong and needs to understand why she should have done this differently. This is not about revenge or getting back. Think about the next student who deals with her.
Your mother will hopefully realize that your pain and upset needs to be supported and not criticized for her financial needs.
Ken
Whether you want to go to the professional licensing board or the principal or the counselor's supervisor, I think you'd do everyone a favor in bringing it to the attention of the counselor's supervisor (or prinicipal if that doesn't bring results.)
Not all counselors have the requisite experience or good judgment to be in the positions they are in. I'm all for professional growth. It's better if the counselor gets it in her education or training or from the supervisor, rather than learning the hard way by hurting a student. She was wrong and needs to understand why she should have done this differently. This is not about revenge or getting back. Think about the next student who deals with her.
Your mother will hopefully realize that your pain and upset needs to be supported and not criticized for her financial needs.
Ken
melliferal
Registrant
Kuurt -
It has been a LONG time since school "counsellors" have ever been real shrinks. Nowadays, they are simply social workers who are empowered to do a lot of things that they shouldn't - like the sort of half-assed psychoanalysis this person pulled on you. This "counsellor" obviously decided (sort of capriciously) based on your test "answers" that you had a problem which could be solved by talking to your parents. As you were apparently unwilling to do so, she attempted to force you to talk by doing this.
Because the school counsellor is a social worker (I'd bet my teeth on it) and not a clinical psychologist, I don't -think- she is bound by HIPAA. Social workers are given a commandment to "always act in the best interest of the child", but that "best interest" is of course completely arbitrary and up to the social worker. So, if the social worker decides that it's "in your best interest" to violate your privacy and tell your mother everything, she can make that decision. This power CAN be a good thing, and has been at certain times in the past in different situations, but I think it's simply too arbitrary and not right.
I don't think you should talk to that person again. I also don't think it's worth trying to work any damage control with your mother at this point - if it were me, I'd just try and let that storm dissipate on its own. What you CAN try to do, is -make an appointment- (very important) and complain to your principal.
It has been a LONG time since school "counsellors" have ever been real shrinks. Nowadays, they are simply social workers who are empowered to do a lot of things that they shouldn't - like the sort of half-assed psychoanalysis this person pulled on you. This "counsellor" obviously decided (sort of capriciously) based on your test "answers" that you had a problem which could be solved by talking to your parents. As you were apparently unwilling to do so, she attempted to force you to talk by doing this.
Because the school counsellor is a social worker (I'd bet my teeth on it) and not a clinical psychologist, I don't -think- she is bound by HIPAA. Social workers are given a commandment to "always act in the best interest of the child", but that "best interest" is of course completely arbitrary and up to the social worker. So, if the social worker decides that it's "in your best interest" to violate your privacy and tell your mother everything, she can make that decision. This power CAN be a good thing, and has been at certain times in the past in different situations, but I think it's simply too arbitrary and not right.
I don't think you should talk to that person again. I also don't think it's worth trying to work any damage control with your mother at this point - if it were me, I'd just try and let that storm dissipate on its own. What you CAN try to do, is -make an appointment- (very important) and complain to your principal.
Kuurt,
My senior year in high school, I told my secret to a school staff member that I trusted, bad mistake. I promised myself that I would never tell another person as long as I lived, mistake number two.
May I suggest that you not give up on telling somebody; you can't keep it in forever. Find somebody you think that you can trust, and go slow. At first, tell them little bits of information that it wouldn't matter if it got out. If they prove trustworthy, than trust them with a little more. If they can't be trusted than move on; don't waste anymore time with them.
But most of all, don't give up. The right person is out there. Keep looking, you will find a safe place and safe person to talk to. Go slow, use caution and never give up.
Hang in there my friend, you are worth it.
Safe huggs my friend
( ( ( ( ( (((((KUURT))))) ) ) ) ) )
Darrel
My senior year in high school, I told my secret to a school staff member that I trusted, bad mistake. I promised myself that I would never tell another person as long as I lived, mistake number two.
May I suggest that you not give up on telling somebody; you can't keep it in forever. Find somebody you think that you can trust, and go slow. At first, tell them little bits of information that it wouldn't matter if it got out. If they prove trustworthy, than trust them with a little more. If they can't be trusted than move on; don't waste anymore time with them.
But most of all, don't give up. The right person is out there. Keep looking, you will find a safe place and safe person to talk to. Go slow, use caution and never give up.
Hang in there my friend, you are worth it.
Safe huggs my friend
( ( ( ( ( (((((KUURT))))) ) ) ) ) )
Darrel
roadrunner
Registrant
Kurt,
Looking back over this thread I keep coming back to feelings real anger and frustration at how your school counselor and your mother have behaved in this case. You were taking the first steps toward a crucial and brave decision, and it all went very badly for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
As others have said, I hope you will not give up now. This is so important. EVERYTHING becomes possible once we begin to talk about what happened to us, while on the other hand stuffing it all back inside can lead to many years of problems and unhappiness.
Don't feel you are being pushed or cornered - no one is trying to pressure you here. Just take your time and regroup for a bit. Talk about things here as much as you can. This will help you to regain your confidence.
Much love,
Larry
Looking back over this thread I keep coming back to feelings real anger and frustration at how your school counselor and your mother have behaved in this case. You were taking the first steps toward a crucial and brave decision, and it all went very badly for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
As others have said, I hope you will not give up now. This is so important. EVERYTHING becomes possible once we begin to talk about what happened to us, while on the other hand stuffing it all back inside can lead to many years of problems and unhappiness.
Don't feel you are being pushed or cornered - no one is trying to pressure you here. Just take your time and regroup for a bit. Talk about things here as much as you can. This will help you to regain your confidence.
Much love,
Larry