Never gonna heal

[Ceremony]

There's no hope in this situation
loveless hate spewed every direction
derision on the victim
might as well just hit him
words used to belittle
now I'm smaller than little
curl my mind in a fetal ball
roll my feelings down the hall
crash me against the road
walk on me crushed like a toad
I don't unfurl my battle flag
All is lost, nothing left to brag
Life does get worn out
pushed to far and thrown out

 

[newground]

((( ceremony))) you have found the hope here bud. Touching those feelings and sharing them will help. especially
with those of us here who get it
Jeff

 

[KMCINVA]

Ceremony

People are here for you. It is difficult, your environment is controlling you. I wish you had an alternative. I know the feeling of being attacked, afraid to talk, fear to see certain people because of the fear what they will do or say to you. You cannot heal with fear.

Try to avoid the people who make you feel this way. Find a safe place in the house, your space where people will not intrude--the basement, a bedroom, the attic or in the good weather an outdoor space. You need relief. I know living in your own home feeling unsafe is difficult.

Can you set boundaries with your wife? Will she have a conversation and not a one way session of telling you this is the way it is, or she is right and you are wrong and so on? If yes, give it a try if not do not engage it will only make it worse. I think of my ex who has told me over and over about our youngest who was physically and verbally abusive to me with her unacknowledged encouragement--that I need to help him but he has no responsibility to say it was inappropriate or wrong for what he did and to acknowledge his actions impacted the trauma, PTSD, dissociation and healing. I say no because I have been told over and over unless the person acknowledges this abusive behavior they will not heal and to give help only validates their actions as being good. The acceptance of this behavior by the mother and siblings and the mother's extended family has validated the behavior and no one will heal. It is learned behavior the ex's father frequently lived the bullying and the family thought it was funny and it was his fault because he did not have a sense of humor as he had to walk away from the dinner table or the cousins who lived in the same house--one slapped around by the aunt and the other beat (and I hate to use this word but there is no other way to describe it) by the aunt and uncle because of whom she was dating--to them it was a way of life and everyone else is screwed up but them--they self validated their behavior from laughing, denying or waving of the hand good riddance. You are living in an abusive environment and it self perpetuates. I have never told anyone that the family knows of what happened in the home, the abuse I witnessed years ago, but I am learning my silence allowed them to perpetuate the false stories and malicious lies. I am thinking of advocacy and my story will be told to help others not live as I did and Ceremony as you are living. I will use discretion and not name anyone unlike their need to destroy a survivor.

Abusive people can be loving and kind and not understand bullying and mocking can be abusive, is it real or a mask of their other side I do not know. I do know once they have the need to tell the world of their good deeds over and over and to mock others it is masking the true person for they want to project a false image. I say there was love in the ex's family but boundaries were not in place nor respected because of the complicated family blood ties. Siblings seemed to come above spouses. The same in my house, the children were brought into arguments, discussions and told very personal aspects of married life--children should be shielded from this and once crossed the child cannot tell right from wrong as to relationships and will struggle with relationships their entire life.

I worry for your children and the long term impact. I have seen it with my children, they have learned it well and now cannot see right from wrong in attacking and mocking others, it becomes a way of life. Please Ceremony find a way to find safe place so you can heal.

We have hope for you and lean on us!

Kevin

 

[Ceremony]

newground and Kevin, thank you for taking the time to respond. Kevin, I've learned a lot from you and Sorryson these many months. And support has been to try and help myself, to be kind to myself. It has to be that I'm just down and not out, but in the depth of it, it's not easy to see and feel. Feeling like this, depressed and hopeless, I have more trouble being motivated.

I need motivation to build a new resume and have the guts to seek a new, better paying job. I'm not going to be independent of my wife, and be able to seek a new loving relationship unless I can pay. That's been a struggle my whole life. I grew up poor, knew I would not be well off, and settled myself to accept being a service person, who accepted what others chose for him. I had no knowledge toward figuring out ambitions, nor how to get to make a proper goal. I decided to try university and it took me a bit more than 7 years, as we moved to a new state and I almost started over. Had to wait a year for in state tuition too. My wife caused that, and she also broke up our little family. I reacted to her anger to me by going off to be wasted. I suppose my memory loss and hopelessness has been fed all my life.

I wanted to find love, but didn't know how. Then to now, I'm still not motivated to see myself with a job that makes me independent. Though I just had one. The company I currently work for eliminated the best job I ever had. I was so happy, and thought I had finally found the job that my life would be better. I worked exceptionally hard, and consistently had first place sales. I made good money and actually thought I could finally have a life. Then, that company eliminated that position in Nov., 2015 and by Jan. 2016 I was making half of what I had been. Now, I'm suffering horribly. My knee has set me back. It probably went bad from walking there goddamn concrete floor for 60 hours a week too. Though I spent a lot of mony getting the best shoes for big men walking concrete. And Wool socks. Expensive, but then I had the money. Now, I'm about out of all savings, and soon, I'll be f'ed as the bills I set up for automatic pay each month, I won't have money in the bank. I'm getting hopeless as my wife finds every day, the same derision to heap on my head. I cry, then mentally go fetal in my mind.

So, as I dig from thinking life has dealt me shit, and I've had what is quintessential Murphy's Law at every turn of my life, where do I see there's a chance to be happy? I was born low, and life is dealing it to me low. Why put the effort, life is always hitting me with a hard smack of a 2x4,

I'm afraid at my age, I'm discriminated for being old, and my health feeds reinforcing that. I see it, that they don't want me, up front I don't see a chance, so I feel no confidence. I pre judge and worry, and fret and don't feel any of what I think success would be. So, see, I don't have money for therapy, I don't have a wife who loves me, and I see life as pushing me down where I belong. A nowhere man going nowhere.

 

[sorryson]

Ceremony I am sorry you are in pain. I do not know how you really feel. I only know I made someone feel real bad about themselves because of the hay I treated my Dad. I was not alone and this is not an excuse.I never spoke with my Dad about how he felt, i turned on him. I wish you could get this through to your wife it is wrong, totally wrong what she is doing. I would take back ever mean word, attack on my Dad if I could. I cannot and I will live with regret. Reading of your pain as well as Kevin's has helped me to see how my Dad must have felt all those years that pushed him to try suicide twice. Please get out of there before she pushes you too far. I wish I had stopped and talked to Dad. I know what it is like to suffer CSA and I can only imagine how my behavior made it 1000 times worse for Dad. My entire family now lives with regrets of how selfish, cruel and animal like we were in how we treated Dad. I do not know if this helps you but I never want to hear of anyone treating anyone like I did my Dad.

Take care of yourself, please

Paul

 

[Ceremony]

Thanks Paul, I write knowing of your story. And, as a father, but not having anything good relationship with my father (still living), I am aware of what you say, and why. It touches me, and it breaks my heart the guilt you must feel. Being a father, I would do anything to take that off of you, if I were your dad. I wonder if that might help you?

I don't have the strength to tell my dad how he's contributed to the hell of my life. I don't think he's capable of doing the things I need, because he never was capable of doing them before. I'm stuck knowing we'll not heal as father and son, and he's stuck in the knowledge that I avoid him. He probably knows why, but not really how deeply it goes.

The whole messed up thing about my marriage is definitely based in part on how I didn't have any role model most of my childhood. I did have a couple of years to see from the Big Brothers org perspective, and that was good, but it left me hopeless too, once I found out I failed. I hoped I had tried to make a good relationship, but my weaknesses triggered her to be aggressively pernicious about how my failings and weaknesses make her life bad. She sticks the bad she's sure I've done to her, full on me, without regard to my mental health problems that revealed various times.

Well, I'm glad you're around Paul, thank you.