never ending process???

[Raphael]

Hi, guys.

I had started to feel that I had I had made some good progress in my healing process. I was feeling more secure, more confident, more energized and empowered. I have still been dealing with SA issues, having nightmares, feeling some of the anger I had supressed, but somehow, I was feeling that this process was going on parallel to all the other issues in my life. I felt I did not have to devote all my energy and attention to it.

However, since this issue with my niece came up, it feels almost like hell again. I started feeling compulsion to go on the net and see gay porn again, I started feeling this big hole in my chest again, and I can see sadness, depression, anxiety, all waiting around the corner.

Oh, my friends! Will we ever be free from this torment?!

Tonight I have to stay late at work but I am afraid of being left by myself with the computer. I have work to do. And work that I enjoy doing. Nevertheless I am afraid that the porn addiction will take control of me again and then it will be the old cycle of shame and guilt and regret that is so familiar to me.

I am glad at least I have this place to come to and vent, and to know that in so many places around the world that are people like you who feels compassion for how I am feeling.

I mentioned to you that my niece is in deep trouble with drugs and committed suicide. What I recently found out was that she was also abused my the same brother that abused me and my other brother, her own FATHER!! No wonder she is on crack. This is terrible! And just shows me what a f***** up family I have!

I appreciate your advice regarding my last post. I will not try to be superman and rescue my whole family. Actually I am starting to realize that it is OKAY to say "I am sorry I cannot help you" to a family member in need. I feel I need to develop some boundaries and not allow myself to be sucked up into people's problems.

Right now I am just so angry and so upset at the truth that is being revealed to me about my own family... I can't write anymore.

Please pray for me.

Take care,
Raphael

 

[ForeverFighting]

Sometimes it does feel like it will never go away, but it does get better. It's amazing to me how many of us fight the same fights--the gay porn that haunts us.

It's a practical step, and it's certainly not fail-safe, but I installed NetMop filtering on my computers at home and at work. The advantage is they don't give you the password to get around it. You can also set it up to e-mail somebody if you try to get past it to view porn. I can tighten it up to include places like file-sharing and personals. And it's such a pain to undo, by the time I might get those places released again, my brain's had enough time to think, "Hello, why are you doing this?" Like I said, if I really want to see porn, I can go to another PC or do some creative searching, but it's not convenient, and the filtering is pretty extensive. So, like you, if I'm at my PC after work, I can't just wander to some site. It won't let me.

Hey, take care. You're doing good by writing here when it crosses your mind. The pain will get better. I'm coming to realize that the perp's training they did to us lasts a little longer.

[Edited because I realized I stopped in mid-sentence. Brain wandered off, but I found it.]

 

[reality2k4]

I will pray for you and your family.

I am sorry you have to find yourself picking up all the pieces, but is is their fault, not yours.

I too have had sprees of downloading porn, porn, adn more porn, including gay porn, and I am not gay.

I think it is because our minds, just have to keep busy, instead of using what weve got, to be creative or what.

I hope you get through

ste