Never able to discuss...

Never able to discuss...
L

Likon

New Registrant
I am 23 now. When I was about 11, my friends introduced me to a man who lived in his street who was very 'cool' and he had an Amiga etc.

Some time later he began to come onto me, and perhaps in my childish ignorance I didn't care. Things progressed to the point where he coerced me into sexual relations - though thankfully never penetraton. I managed to get out of the situation eventually through my own strength, but I always regret not having the strength to have got out sooner.

I have never spoken to a soul about this, I am not sure I ever could. Most the time I never think about it..

Not even sure why I am posting here. But there you have it.
 
"Things progressed to the point where he coerced me into sexual relations"

This is why you are posting here. This is childhood sexual abuse. You were too young to be having sexual relations with anyone, let alone a grown man.

I am glad you found this site.

David
 
Welcome Likon,

The folks here are on your side and here to support you. It's good that most of the time you don't think about it, but you're probably here because it still bothers you. Likon, you were 11, and he was "cool" etc. and older and someone you trusted. Like most who are abused it was impossible in that situation at that age to have the strength to get out sooner. But you got out eventually, on your own strength, congratulations on your strength and courage.

Glad you're here.

Halibut
 
Hello Likon, if you're looking for answers, you will find them here. Are you SURE you don't know why you posted about what happened? Is it not effecting ANY part of your life?

Just like you, my abuse, at the age of 9, was "minimal" in that I was never penetrated or violently assulted either. Nonetheless, the "minimal" type of abuse I went through led me to a teen and adult life of almost total waste and dysfunctionality. In short, for reasons I won't go into, I hated myself, and I self-sabataged everything I tried to do with my life. If I were able to function like "normal" people, I would have a career, intimacy, standing in my community, etc., by now. All of that which I would have had by now is gone, I'm only just now trying to address it.

I thought that if I shared why I'm here that you might be able to discover why you yourself came here.
 
I guess you're probably right to some extent; I am suffering from depression, though I must admit I try not to think about what happened and for the most part manage to forget. But you could be right; I guess I will never know what implications it's had on my life since I don't know any different.

Although on the outside I appear very strong and confident, the truth is I lack confidence. I am able to stand up in front of hundreds of people and give lectures (part of my job) but in other areas.. I'm never sure of myself.

I know it's a bit clich, but Ido feel this is my fault somehow.. perhaps because I am not naiv and I should have known better. Thats what really plays on my mind.

And the fact this guy is still out there...I wonder whether I should do something, but I fear what it would do to me and my family if this came to light.
 
Likon,

Welcome to Male Survivor! I'm glad you found us!

The self-blame is part of what keeps us silent all these years. Most of us are/were also confused by the pleasurable feeling that we felt as part of our abuse. Self-blame is a big obstacle to overcome but it can be done; it just takes time and understanding. You were a child and have NO responsibility as to what happened to you. As you progress through your recovery, you will come to know this more and more as time goes by.

Recovery is Possible!

Brian
 
I suppose the puzzle for me is what do I do next? Posting/reading here has brought it back up, but what do I do now? Just bury it again... or try do something about it.

The only person who can give me 'closure' is the abuser I guess... though I have only a vauge idea where he might be and am not really sure what I'd do if I confronted him anyway.

My REAL concern is that my cowardice in going to the Police might mean someone else is a victim.
 
i think the closure we need is inside us it really has little to do with the perp.i dont think you can be held responsible for anything he does or at least you shouldnt be.
 
Likon,

I totally agree with Shadowkid. Believe it or not, closure comes from inside ourselves. It is very difficult to understand when we are first trying to deal with these issues.

I really would encourage you not to bury this stuff again; it just doesn't work. Are you seeing a therapist? That would be a great place to start. You also have many friends and supporters here that you just haven't met yet!

I'm glad you are here.

Recovery is Possible!

Brian
 
Likon,
Welcome. I tried to forget about my abuse for 40 years. I was five when it started. It ended at 6 when we moved away. I told my wife about it years ago, but assured her that it was no big deal and I had forgotten it and everything was fine. WRONG!!!! Huge self esteem issues, acting out, distrust of everyone - especially men. Like you, on the surface I was very together, popular, successful, huge career. but inside i was devastatingly lonely and isolated. I tried aso hard to bury it, but it forced its way into my life again and againe. finally, last May after confrontation from wife, I had to admit I needed help with it all and started therapy.
Don't make my mistake. Go see a Therapist now, and keep posting here.
Paul
 
Likon, if you wish to do something about the fact that your perp is still out there and potentially hurting another boy, take a look at this place.

https://www.project82.com/

On that page, you will be able to report his name and it will be used as evidence if your perp happens to ever go on trial or even just investigated for a sex crime. I registered my perps name there, just before I found out that he already died of natural causes some years ago.

I was hoping that this might empower/embolden you to be more proactive in your recovery.

I wish my naive parents read the page about "Preventing Child Sexual Abuse". It would have saved me from this shell of a person that I've become.

https://www.project82.com/index.cgi?cmd=view_tmpl&tmpl=prevent.html
 
Likon,

I saw your post on day 1 but didnt have a chance to reply until today. Im thrilled to see the warm welcome you have received and the great support already extended. Expect much, much more! May I add mine also. Welcome friend!

Many points you mentioned in your initial post have been responded to as have your subsequent posts but I felt that I wanted to contribute a few points also, even if I do nothing more than validate that theres another survivor out there who can relate to what you are feeling and are going through.

You are not alone, you are not weird and you are not going crazy.

You mentioned:

Things progressed to the point where he coerced me into sexual relations - though thankfully never penetraton
Click to expand...
As you read posts from many of us here there is often the temptation to minimise your trauma or abuse and compare it to others. Please dont do that. Theres no level or scale to abuse. Its all abuse and all damaging beyond belief. We have all been hurt, none of us deserved it and all of us deserve to get better.


I guess I will never know what implications it's had on my life since I don't know any different.
Click to expand...
Again, as you read posts Im sure you will see things in us that are similar to you. That is one of the best things that I have gotten out of this site and my friends here. You get to understand and learn EXACTLY how it HAS affected your life and what the implications have been in your life.

The only person who can give me 'closure' is the abuser I guess
Click to expand...
Shadowkid and Brian already addressed this but I think its important, especially in your early days in dealing with this stuff to know that you are not alone. I totally endorse what they say also. Id also like to add that confrontation as its known is a huge step and normally comes much later down the path of recovery if at all. Some people never feel the need to do it at all and for some its not possible if the abuser is dead or if they are dead that confrontation may take a different form in which response or reaction of course would not be possible.

I suppose the puzzle for me is what do I do next? Posting/reading here has brought it back up, but what do I do now? Just bury it again... or try do something about it.
Click to expand...
Posting/reading IS part of your next step. Keeping it buried will not work and as others have said, and I can testify to this also, it is only a temporary solution. It just keeps it stuffed down for a year, a decade or whatever. It will still be there. It needs to be dealt with. As hard as it will be at times, this path of recovery is worth it. I might mention that you may have days that are upsetting for you I do. I dont read posts on those days. Its ok to take time off your recovery. You do need time out. Just dont abandon your recovery altogether.

Finding a therapist (a T) as we abbreviate it, is a must do if at all possible, and one who specialises in childhood sexual assault (CSA). Also, get a hold of some books on CSA. Theres a link at the top of this site on some great suggested books. I have purchased several of them. They have helped me immensely. If you buy them via this website link and then through Amazon a small commission comes back to MS to help with costs.

I look forward to getting to know you better.
 
Likon,

I hope my response to you can help in the way you have helped me on another thread. I get the feeling we are a alike in some ways.

As others have noted, you seem to be minimizing what happened to you. Whatever this man did to you was very wrong and should never happen to anyone. Period.

I even since a slight embarrassment when you describe your thoughts as cliche. Man, that sounds like the way I view my own exploration sometimes. I struggle not only with what I should have done way back then (elements of that in your postings,too), but with the "correct" way to process it now, and even about the right way to write about it.

What I'm trying to say is don't worry about cliches or the quality of your expression or the originality of your writing or anything else.

Just be who you are. Say what you feel.

It was not your fault.
You are not alone.
I helps to have you here.

Consider finding a therapist. Alhtough I tend to rant sometimes and I have definitely had issues to deal with in real life, early therapy helped me recover much in a relatively short time

When I started dealing with childhood memories as an adult, the anxiety level was like nothing I have ever known, and I think it would have effected my relationships, my career, and my physical health if I had not sought help quickly.

I was in a situation in which I could do that. I hope you are to. When things were really bothering me, knowing I had someone I could talk to within a week REALLY helped. And having this online community was the perfect way to meet people who could relate. Having both therapy and MALESURVIVOR I think was tremendous.

When I moved, I had trouble finding a T in my new home. Then after a while I realized I didn't miss it. I was able to function, cope, live a full life, and turn to this group if a new issue emerged. If this ever doesn't seem like enough, I am ready to return to therapy again.

As far as reporting your perp goes, you are not responsible for his actions. Just the same, I would love to see every perp get locked up. Think through reporting him would mean to you, how it would effect you. There are lots of people here who can help you with whether or not to confront, how to confront, etc. You don't have to rush.

Rushing will not rush closure, which the man cannot give you anyway. Closure is possible, but it is up to you and no one else. I know.

L2R
 
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