negative thoughts, can u relate?

[Galapogos]

I've posted part 1 of my story, haven't got to part 2 yet, maybe later next week. I don't think there are triggers in this post, but I could be wrong.
Sometimes when I see a young couple, teenagers or college age, and they're being affectionate, it triggers sort of a chain reaction of negative thoughts for me.
It goes something like: I see the happy couple and I'm a little envious, or jealous (I'm 38 and I've never been in a relationship) and I wish it was me, I remember the confusion and lonliness I felt in highschool and college, I get down on myself, I wonder what life might have been like if I'd never experienced SA, I regret all the wasted time, I get angry at my perps, I feel more lonely, sad. Seeing people in love makes me wonder what it's like, and what sex is like without guilt, coercion, shame, etc. And I worry that I'm always going to be alone. A couple of years ago I contracted herpes, I get down on myself for that too. Seeing a happy couple is sort of like seeing what I think I'll never have. All these thoughts keep spiraling around in my head.
I try to stop the negative self-talk, try to see the big picture. Somewhere I read something about envy and how you need to remember you don't really know what other people have gone through to get to where they are. But it doesn't help me that much. Can anyone relate?

 

[kaceechase]

I can relate. It doesn't hurt me as bad for some reason now and i dont know what changed But yes for me it was sadness and enger for what I thought I could never have or in my case what i didn't deserve.

I don't care as much about love and finding a Bf as i use to and no I am not with someone. I have never had a BF or been in Love But now I just want to Make Me well enough and have the esteem to be able to find someone someday. So for me it is Just that I dont have time to feel bad when i see other couples maybe-not really sure what changed for me But I use to hate seeing couple straight or gay and if they were making out I wanted to slap them or worse.

 

[dwf]

Yes, I can relate to it also.

About the herpes, just remember that diseases don't have moral values. They don't infect some people for being bad, and leave others alone because they're good. They are simply seeking to replicate their viruses or bacteria and will go anywhere that can happen. It doesn't mean you're a bad person.

My experience with herpes is that it can be very easily controlled. After several years it can even begin to diminish to the point of never reappearing, except under extreme emotional stress and/or physical illness.

So really the best thing to do is to take good care of yourself, seek competent, compassionate medical assistance and work on the emotional components, ie the shame, guilt, inappropriate taking of responsibility etc. At least that's how I approached it and it has worked very well for me.

But I do understand how difficult it can be to stop the negative thoughts around subjects such as this.

You have already taken one of the most important steps in combatting these self defeating thoughts and that is by speaking openly about them. When I allow them to fester in the alone space of my mind, they get much worse. It seems like negative thinking is allergic to fresh air and bright light. So, good for you for bringing them out here in the fresh air of understanding people and the bright light of compassion!

There is an excellent article here on the site about how to control self-defeating behaviors, by Ken Singer, one of the mods here. Look under the Professionals rubric, then click on Articles. You'll see it there. If you have any trouble locating it, just let me know.

I've heard of other people wearing a rubber band around their wrist and everytime the negative thoughts come up, they snap the rubber band (OW!) and that interrupts the cycle. Sounds painful to me, plus my wrists are too hairy and the rubber bands get tangled up.

Try to look at people who are happy and imagine that they represent where you are headed instead of what you have lost. Often times a simple re-framing of my thoughts in such a way can make a difference in how I feel.

Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.

Thanks,

Regards,

 

[sampson]

I definitely relate, one thing that i do that releases a lot of negativity is i keep a journal. And when i feel good, or when i feel bad, i write in it. This is something that i do for myself and nobody else. Neither do i consider it a chore. Writing has always been a positive release for negative thoughts for me and it has helped me tremendously.

Just somet thoughts, the journal doesnt solve my negative thinking, it just allows me some release from them.

Works sorta like a steam engine with me, everytime i build up excess steam, i can let some of it out by writing down my feelings and not explode in some unhealthy way. It also helps me with my grammar - lol

Good luck to you friend.....keep moving ahead....

 

[chuck]

Galapogos,

Yes, I agree with you that it can be easy to get caught in that spiral and wonder how will I get out and find someone who will love me?
However what we see from the outside of couples" relationships, we don't really know what is going on inside of their relationship including gay and straight. The reason I write this is due to the fact I was married for 18 years and worked hard to stay in it and act straight. Many thought we were very happy and compatible, while on the inside there was turmoil. Only when I started to confront the SA did the marriage unravel. I had wanted to live a fantasy and not confront all the issues in me and in our marriage.

Now my focus is on getting me well so I can understand who I am and being satisfied with myself. I am learning that if I can love and accept myself it will be easier for the right man to love me. It is tough going through the process but removes some of the stress of worring will I ever find a partner that we can form a relationship. Whether it looks good on the outside, the inside of the relationship is most important aspect.

Hope you can relax some and reduce your stress level, because you are stil young even at 38 to have a fulfilling relationship with the right man. I hope your T is helpful in this matter on how to set reasonable goals to reach this challenge.

Chuck