Needing to be liked

Needing to be liked
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onlyakid

I was almost ready to fall asleep and then it hit me (no not literally :D ). I've been trying to do stuff all along to be liked to be popular. I think this came from the abuse. I really don't remember what I was like in that respect prior to that.

Examples: I had a fantasy starting around the time the abuse started that I was going to meet this young actress that I was watching on a TV show, who is the same age as me, and was going to start dating her and I would launch a TV career, I would be popular and people would like me. I finally gave that up in 1998-1999 when her show got canceled and her career virtually ended.

I have a radio show that I listen to where I call in and try to be one of the regulars. I think so people know who I am and like me.

Its getting late but does anyone else feel this way that they are trying hard to be liked.

Jason
 
Yeah, I am like that too. I like to tell myself that other people's opinions don't matter, but to be completely honest, they do. Espescially for SA victims, it is even more important to feel liked. Victims really feel a need after the recovery process begins. It made the disgust and self loathing go away if I had people around who liked me, even if they were lying at the time...
 
This is a big issue for me. I want to be liked by most everyone, so I go out of my way sometimes to do things that are not necessarily inappropriate, but are certainly conspicuous. Being pretty much friendless my entire life, I can be desperate for human contact and companionship at times.
 
Ya, me too. Especially as a teenager.

I had this fantasy about being recognized for my singing ability (which I was told I had) and being taken in as a member by this popular group, falling in love with one of the stars...

As an adult I don't think it was quite as important to me, at least not in the same way. I was fortunate to be loved by a very special woman and had a group of friends that were genuine in their caring about people. That has helped me in my adulthood tremendously.

Courage,

John
 
Jason,

This is another big one for me. When I was 14 and the abuse had ended I was horrified at the things I had done and the way my abuser had turned me against my family, especially my Dad. I knew they didn't know, but somehow the feelings of guilt and worthlessness "convinced" me that I had to work extra hard to get them to love me. I tried to do this by getting the best possible grades in school, keeping my room tidy, excelling in Scouts, whatever.

Friendships and relationships were a nightmare. I don't recall making much effort with people my own age, perhaps because I didn't feel I deserved friends. Certainly I could never understand how any girl could be interested in me. People I was close to were usually into the same wild partying, drinking and drugs that I was using to cope.

In adulthood I think I just gave up on feeling much of anything or caring what others thought about me, but that left me desperately unhappy. Fortunately, in the middle of all this I met my wife. Her love, good humor, and no-nonsense take on things have made all the difference. The unconditional love I got from my two children also helped me a lot. I'm not sure I know for certain yet, but I think one big reason why I first came here was the fear I would lose all three if I didn't start dealing with the problem in some real way.

I think Darkheart nailed it: when we get into the habit of making huge efforts to be liked, instead of just allowing others to appreciate us as we are, we are trying to make up for negative feelings we have about ourselves or compensate for things we erroneously take on board as "our fault".

Good thread Jason,
Larry
 
I used to want everyone to like me - now I am a bit more selective. Why should I care if some scumbag likes me or not? Now I only care that decent people like me!

There are many decent people here!

best wishes ...Rik
 
The other question is how many people desperately need to have people fall in love with them? I know that I bounced from relationship to relationship, looking for that feeling. It is euphoric, to have someone say I love you, and even better to feel that you do not have that binding connection to them. it is a defense mechanism for sure, but always doomed to failure because my desires were inconcruous with each other. On the one hand, I desperately needed women to love and adore me, and on the other hand, I wanted to feel nothing of the sort for them. I was trying to have my cake and eat it too. I needed to feel desirable and free at the same time. Luckily for my marriage, I have gotten over that.
 
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