Needing Answers and Guiadance
The last several days have been extremely difficult for me. Christmas was about as picture perfect as could be. My daughter and her husband were here and shared that she was pregnant. My Mother and youngest sister and her family were here for the Christmas Eve candlelight service and spent the night. Vicki's Mom and Dad and her brothers and their families were here for Christmas Day. We had 27 for Dinner and poor Vicki did almost all of the cooking. We had a great time together, after some went home the rest of us spent the evening playing games and watching DVDs. I don't know a thing I would have changed if I could.
When I got a chance a couple of times to log in to the Board briefly, I hurt for those of you who had such a difficult time. In fact, I felt just a little bit guilty that I had so much enjoyment and some of you had so much pain. Life is not fair at all.
My difficulties have not been from circumstances like many of you face. It has been totally internal. I am not sure if this Board is the place for me right now or not. I've posted little but have read so much. I am convinced there is so much wisdom available here and I am moved by the caring spirit. But as I read the posts and the different responses I feel like I am being hit from so many places in such a short period that I am almost overwhelmed. I've kept all this stuff buried so long until I happened on this website a few weeks ago. I have had no problems with being able to remember the things that I have participated in during my youth, and it is so painful to read of those of you who have had to face the struggle of an unknown past. I have not been terribly troubled by the things I've done, though I certainly wish I had made different choices. I didn't think I was blotting it out, I just was not loaded with guilt, in spite of the regrets that I had.
Until he invaded my life again a little over 2 years ago and turned so many things upside down in my world, I had not wasted many hours dwelling on the past and certainly not much time in self examination relating to those time. The guilt and shame that have marked these months since and being thrown into the discussions that are part of this forum in recent weeks, leave me feeling almost like eveything is being stripped away and I am standing buck naked under the spotlight. It is very uncomfortable and more than a little scary.
I am struggling with so many different things at once that I had not even thought about in the past. I've gone to bed almost every night the last ten days and laid there composing a post in my head as I was trying to fall asleep, only to change my mind the next morning after reading a little of the new things that had been posted.
There is one thing above all the other thoughts and emotions that have been buzzing in my head, that has thrown me into greater personal turmoil than I've ever known in my life. When I go to sleep at night I don't wake up until the alarm goes off the next morning. But for last two weeks I have awakened almost every night around 3:00 to 4:00 AM and agonized over this. Sometimes I get back to sleep, most of the time I don't. I am physically and emotionally worn out.
I want to lay it out as clearly as I can and see if someone can help me gain some understanding of it.
I don't know how to ask the question coherently so let me share the bits and pieces that have come to me and then try to pose the struggle.
I was not prepared for the depth of anger that I found on the Board when I began to read the different personal things that were being shared. Not that the anger and hate were not understandable, because the individuals certainly had every right to their bitterness. It is just that I did not feel that way about the one who basically snared me into being a sexual slave for him. I have always had a tendency to see the good in other people and ignore the bad and thought this was probably why my feelings were much more mild. Eddie certainly had an awful lot of good in him back when I knew him and saw him almost everyday. If I could have totally wiped him out of my past I am not sure that I would have wanted to in spite of some of the shameful things that occured.
(NOTE: POST EDITED BY KEN SINGER DUE TO GRAPHIC CONTENT THAT MAY BE TRIGGERING TO MANY)
I remember reading some of the post and someone said they were a psycholigist. I've had a couple of courses in psychology in college years ago, but really know little about it except that we are ruled more by our irrational self than our rational being. Does any of this make any sense to anybody uot there and is there any insight that you can give?
Thanks in advance for any help.
Brownie
When I got a chance a couple of times to log in to the Board briefly, I hurt for those of you who had such a difficult time. In fact, I felt just a little bit guilty that I had so much enjoyment and some of you had so much pain. Life is not fair at all.
My difficulties have not been from circumstances like many of you face. It has been totally internal. I am not sure if this Board is the place for me right now or not. I've posted little but have read so much. I am convinced there is so much wisdom available here and I am moved by the caring spirit. But as I read the posts and the different responses I feel like I am being hit from so many places in such a short period that I am almost overwhelmed. I've kept all this stuff buried so long until I happened on this website a few weeks ago. I have had no problems with being able to remember the things that I have participated in during my youth, and it is so painful to read of those of you who have had to face the struggle of an unknown past. I have not been terribly troubled by the things I've done, though I certainly wish I had made different choices. I didn't think I was blotting it out, I just was not loaded with guilt, in spite of the regrets that I had.
Until he invaded my life again a little over 2 years ago and turned so many things upside down in my world, I had not wasted many hours dwelling on the past and certainly not much time in self examination relating to those time. The guilt and shame that have marked these months since and being thrown into the discussions that are part of this forum in recent weeks, leave me feeling almost like eveything is being stripped away and I am standing buck naked under the spotlight. It is very uncomfortable and more than a little scary.
I am struggling with so many different things at once that I had not even thought about in the past. I've gone to bed almost every night the last ten days and laid there composing a post in my head as I was trying to fall asleep, only to change my mind the next morning after reading a little of the new things that had been posted.
There is one thing above all the other thoughts and emotions that have been buzzing in my head, that has thrown me into greater personal turmoil than I've ever known in my life. When I go to sleep at night I don't wake up until the alarm goes off the next morning. But for last two weeks I have awakened almost every night around 3:00 to 4:00 AM and agonized over this. Sometimes I get back to sleep, most of the time I don't. I am physically and emotionally worn out.
I want to lay it out as clearly as I can and see if someone can help me gain some understanding of it.
I don't know how to ask the question coherently so let me share the bits and pieces that have come to me and then try to pose the struggle.
I was not prepared for the depth of anger that I found on the Board when I began to read the different personal things that were being shared. Not that the anger and hate were not understandable, because the individuals certainly had every right to their bitterness. It is just that I did not feel that way about the one who basically snared me into being a sexual slave for him. I have always had a tendency to see the good in other people and ignore the bad and thought this was probably why my feelings were much more mild. Eddie certainly had an awful lot of good in him back when I knew him and saw him almost everyday. If I could have totally wiped him out of my past I am not sure that I would have wanted to in spite of some of the shameful things that occured.
(NOTE: POST EDITED BY KEN SINGER DUE TO GRAPHIC CONTENT THAT MAY BE TRIGGERING TO MANY)
I remember reading some of the post and someone said they were a psycholigist. I've had a couple of courses in psychology in college years ago, but really know little about it except that we are ruled more by our irrational self than our rational being. Does any of this make any sense to anybody uot there and is there any insight that you can give?
Thanks in advance for any help.
Brownie