Needing advice.

Needing advice.
A

alexandra

New Registrant
My boyfriend of only a few months told me very early into our relationship that he had been violently sexually assulted 10 months previously. Needless to say he was a wreck telling me, and I was torn between wanting to hold him and wanting to find a gun. We are both only 18, still finishing school. Our lives are pressure cookers at the moment, with exams and me having family issues of my own. Worse still, I was assulted to a lesser extent around the same time he was. It was a situation i had buried, which under the weight of the issue, re-surfaced. Thankfully I was able to supress it with his help.
To complete the devastating picture, we both know who assulted us, they were one year older than us at school and mine being my former boyfriend. They were friends, and I in particular socialed with his attacker frequently last year. The shock of the whole thing can be overwhelming, as he can become unstable at the most surprising moments. I'm not sure what to say to him when he most needs me. Thankfully his parents know and he has professional help when he needs it.

From what i can make out, his professional is aware of our relationship and encourages him to come into town (we both reside in town for schooling) frequently to see me, as since he started seeing me his fits of depression have almost disappeared. Just to add to the emotional turmoil, I think we are falling in love. I'm just really needing to talk to someone about it. I'm fairly steady, a good talker, and so far i've always been able to help, but now I'm feeling overwhelmed. I also don't want him to hold back about telling me waht's on his mind because of what happened to me, as my way of dealing with it is secretive, which i now feel selfish about about as i'm not reciprocating...in a way. I'm lost now.

It's an amazing relationship, but i don't want it to be about what we've been through- nor just become about sex, which i feel we might do. For both of us, an actual relationship is new. The shock of us being together still bemuses many, and we both took a few weeks to settle into the idea. With my previous circumstances, they were always highly charged, sexual, and competitive, invariably ending in a highly strung way. For him, being devastatingly attractive in a small, private school fishpond we live in, he has always had relationships on tap so to speak. Feelings weren't an issue, and now i think we are feeling our way on foreign ground. I've become shyer about sex in general and i hesitate, tempering my aggression. Mainly because the emotion driving it is different, but is it possible that we are both treading on egg-shells around each other, afraid of bringing up memories?

I'm rambling but I need to.
alexandra
 
Alexandra,

I am so sorry to hear what happened to the both of you, and as you yourself can see it puts a lot of pressure on your relationship. It is entirely to be expected that you would both feel you are on "foreign ground". I can think of a few things that are probably simmering away out of sight right now.

One is that abuse victims often develop serious self-image problems. Where older teenagers are concerned there is a temptation to think "I'm not a kid anymore" and blame themlselves because they didn't stop things. But older teens like you two can be hurt just as badly as little kids. It still isn't your fault.

There is a huge temptation for a teen to become desperate about all the devastating feelings arising from what happened, and to try to cope by refusing to feel anymore or even by denying that anything happened. You seem to refer to this when you say "I was able to suppress it" and "feelings weren't an issue". This was the route I took, and I can tell you that it doesn't work. The pot doesn't stop boiling over just because everyone refuses to look at it.

With two survivors in a relationship I can imagine everything will be, as you say, on egg shells for a time. You are both very young, and many aspects of a true loving relationship will probably be difficult for you. I don't mean just sex, although of course that too. I mean things like genuine trust, being open with each other about your feelings, touching - really, any kind of intimacy. Falling in love means discovering these things and how important they are, and as you walk that path your past will raise a lot of fears for you.

For a relationship to thrive and grow, it is extremely important that it be open and honest. Don't try to suppress feelings or avoid memories: talk about them and deal with them together, and also with a therapist. Ramble; of course, you need to do that. Go ahead and say you feel shy about sex; if you don't, your boyfriend might read you as rejecting him.

I like the way you keep saying "we" Alexandra. This isn't just about your boyfriend, so please make sure that your feelings and issues are considered and taken as seriously as his.

Good luck,
Larry
 
As always, Larry's advice is right on point. I just wanted to share a little bit of my experience. When I first disclosed the abuse to my present girlfriend, it triggered a memory in her that she had surpressed from early adulthood. So it's not uncommon for one partner's disclosure to trigger a memory in the other partner.

My girlfriend was able to confront her memory and it has not been an issue since. So I echo Larry's suggestion not to surpress emotions. Goodness knows I caused myself alot of pain by not addressing my feelings. That said, I suggest you look into whatever professional counseling services are available in your area.

It really says alot that you're willing to come here to discuss your concerns, Alexandra. It shows a level of maturity that I, personally, admire.

Take care and feel free to come back here. There's tons of great folks here (though few as great as Larry ;) ).
 
Alexandra,

The words of wisdom you received above are so sound and so sensible that I can't imagine adding to them. Nonetheless, I wanted to join in and tell you that I too think you are showing a level of maturity well beyond your 18 years.

What you and your b/f have been through and what you have to deal with now is so hard. The mere fact that you are both dealing is healthy and smart and can only mean a better life for both of you in the long run. You are obviously a strong person and it sounds like he is as well, with a strong support system behind him. That support system is priceless and it sound like you are a big part of it.

I may be mis-reading your post, but I'm reading that you are looking for some help and guidance mainly to help you deal with your b/f's problems. That's admirable and necessary for a friend to do, but what about you? Just because the man who assaulted you used to be your boyfriend, doesn't make the assault any less real and traumatic for you. Have you sought out someone for you to talk to?

Having to deal with issues from both ends is difficult enough, but if you deny your own need to work through what happened to you, then it will be that much more difficult

As for your relationship, who knows? It sounds to me like you both have your heads on straight in spite of someone trying to take that from you. Your willingness to lean on those around you and to seek out advice from others for the support that you recognize you need is a life lesson that too many never learn. You recognize that you can get overwhelmed and again, you're reaching out to deal with that. Good for you.

There are so many pitfalls to any new relationship, and in your case, they are just magnified by your respective trauma and the fact that you are so young. My only advice is to take things as slowly as you can. Enjoy your lives and enjoy and comfort each other. Keep doing what you are doing by reaching out for help when you need it.

You shouldn't want and certainly don't need to make life changing decisions about your relationship at this point in your lives. You can just be boyfriend and girlfriend. That might be for a short time, a long time or forever. Again, who knows? Go with the flow on that one. You've got lots and lots of time in front of you.

You have pain I wish you didn't have to deal with, but everything you're doing sounds right and makes me believe that you will take your lives back. You're certainly on the right track.

Be well......Trish
 
Alex'

There is a huge temptation for a teen to become desperate about all the devastating feelings arising from what happened, and to try to cope by refusing to feel anymore or even by denying that anything happened. You seem to refer to this when you say "I was able to suppress it" and "feelings weren't an issue". This was the route I took, and I can tell you that it doesn't work. The pot doesn't stop boiling over just because everyone refuses to look at it.
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Listen to Larry, he's telling the truth. We can't surpress this shit for ever, it WILL boil over sometime.

The grand-daddy of therapy was Freud, and his treatment was often called "The talking cure". Because that's what he seemed to do - just talk to his patients.
Freud was no fool, he recognised that talking about the things that are on our minds also released those things in such a way that WE began to understand those things.
And through therapy we understand 'things' in a different way because we look at the big picture in a complet and different way, something we can't always do on our own or with someone close to us. We need the independant person to bounce our feelings and ideas off.
I think this is possibly more important when both of you have suffered similar experiences.

It could become an easy option to swop experiences, feelings and ideas between you and hope that eventually a good outcome results, but the danger lies in co-dependancy and a feeling of jealousy.
The co-dependancy could arise when one or both of you come to depend on the other at their expense, the other person provides the emotional strength.
And then the jealosy emerges when that person begins to think it's a one way exchange.

I wouldn't for one moment say "don't talk about your abuse" - go ahead and share your thoughts as part of the relationship, but always remember that you can't do his healing any more than he can do yours, so talk, express your hopes, fears, ideas and emotions. Offer support and opinions, love and affection in return.

I'm a big believer in therapy, it's helped me enormously, and I've seen many other survivors make such progress with good therapy.
We need that unattached and unbiased person to bounce our thoughts off.

Don't be put off by what we say here, it might sound bad, but although it's not easy it is worth the effort.

Take care
Dave
 
I'd like to thank everyone who replied. I value your honesty and advice more than I can fully express. It has made me feel more secure, knowing that neither I, my boyfriend and people like us are alone. While I personally don't feel as though I need professioanl help, I will take your advice and see someone, if only so when i do need to turn to someone, it won't be a complete stranger to me! I also recognize that recently other issues in my life have subsided and my family are back on track, which may contribute to me being dismissive of it. I still have some large concerns for my boyfriend. He's had a extremely frigtening panic attack recently.
If I need to, can I describe it here so someone may be able to advise me?

I worry that, when its just us, alone, I don't have the answers to his questions, as they're questions i never asked, even to myself. I don't want to just launch into it before I discern just what he is and isn't telling his professional. I know for a fact that he's seeking her help less and less, due to changing circumstances and also that recently life has been great for the both of us, individually and together, but this attack was unlike anything he's ever done before.

He literally re-lived it one night.
I didn't know what do to, how to stop it or how to help him.

But I am taking some of the amazing advice I have received and shall hopefully never have to feel that helpless again and he'll never feel that frightened.

Thankyou!
Alexandra
 
Alexandra,

I'm glad that life has been great for you two, but from everything I've read here, and the things that I see first hand now that my boyfriend is dealing with being s/a, enable me to say that your boyfriend's panic attacks may not stop any time soon.

The temptation is great to stop or reduce therapy when everything else in your life seems to be going well, but as you can see, he still has alot to deal with in order to put what happened to him in the proper perspective. By that I mean, that he was not at fault; he could not have prevented it and he was powerless to stop it. He was a 17 year old kid and even now, he's only an 18 year old kid. That's an awful lot to put on one's plate.

You said in your original post that he was violently sexually assaulted. Even if the sex were not a part of it, it would have been a trauma that takes a long, long time to recover from. The fact that his attacker took things to the ultimate level of pain and humiliation makes it that much worse. It's not something you "get over" in a short time or a long time, but it is something he can learn to deal with in his own mind.

I'm sure you've read the posts on this site that talk about triggers. Something seems to have happened to trigger your boyfriend's panic attack, even though everything seemed to be great. I don't know if you, or even he, knows what that trigger was but it's important to find out and the way to do that is to keep seeing and talking to his therapist so that he can try to either avoid it in the future or to recognize it for what it is and remove himself from the situation that caused it so he can feel safe again. Again, that takes time, alot more time than he's had.

You can't stop what he's feeling and thinking anymore than he can, so don't beat yourself up over that. It's hard, I know, because all you want to do is take the pain away. Don't worry if you don't have all of the answers. I've found in speaking with my b/f that just being there to listen and hold him and support him when he needs me to is all he wants from me. I can do that and so can you.

I'm glad that you've decided to find someone for you as well. You may be minimizing your own trauma because what you see in your boyfriend is so overwhelming. Nonetheless, what he's going through doesn't negate what you went through and sooner or later you may need someone too.

Don't be put off by what we say here, it might sound bad, but although it's not easy it is worth the effort.
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Dave is a smart guy and his words hit the mark, at least for me. When I first came here, I was a bit frightened by all of the sadness and despair that I read about. Then I read more, and I found that there was more hope than despair and a great desire by the survivors to make themselves whole again. Your boyfriend has a very difficult road to travel, but he can do it with the right help.

Your a smart girl Alexandra and obviously a very caring one. Stay well and keep doing what you're doing, for both of you.

Trish
 
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