Needing advice-lack of dating experience at 45

[Indy]

I am just really starting to date after having no experience. I need some advice if this is possible for others. Has anyone here been able to get into a good long term relationship later in life?

About 12 years ago I finally was able to discuss my abuse. I thought that the abuse was causing my lack of feelings and to some extent it was. But I got bitter and angry when I could not move forward, and that caused a lot of damage.

I didn't realize that under the abuse was a big fear and terror. My father had a stroke when I was 4 and wnet to a hopsital for a month. I stayed up nights crying. Then later on, I came home from kindergarten alone to my house on a farm, and finding either no one there, or my mom and another man, either way I ran down our lane and into the woods and would not come near her. She screamed and I just hugged a tree. I can now recall the sheer terror of being so afraid of losing her but also so afraid of her screaming.

The reason I mention this is because it had a profound effect on how close I am willing to get to women.

I took a job in which I lived where I worked, so i created a family like atmosphere. I was the manager and I thought I could solve everyone's problems, and thought I had to in order to have an identity. It was an awful mess. I never had to deal with being alone because the rest of the staff lived on site.

So, in the past 12 years, after confronting my family about the abuse, I could not get feelings to date. They ignored it or tried to pass blame back. As for dating, a few times I was interested, but I would sabotage it. I also thought I might be gay and spent a lot of time in chat rooms, which was incredibly self destructive-so I feel like I have a had a hand in my own bitterness. The chat rooms gave me a brief break from anxiety I suppose, but the anxiety was caused by fear of women, and my shame. It was a downward cycle.

I could get close to women, but it was somewhat as friends, and now I am beginning to see loss in thos relationships. Often women wanted more, but I had ways of avoiding. I was terrified and couldn't figure out why.

anyway, I am now 45 and I suppose that has started a panic. If I ever want kids, and do I?, I feel rushed. But even just if I want a loving relationship.I am working with a therapist and an older woman I know has volunteered to help me with intimacy-since that has been limited. I feel ashamed of myself for my confusion and there is a feeling that I can never catch up.

Does anyone have advice? I feel like a freak right now. I feel like I have wasted my life and I will never heal. I kinda just need a hug.

 

[Aden]

Indy,

Of course it is possible to date, have good relationships, and even raise a family after the age of 45. My roommates both started college at 44, graduated with honors and started new careers at 50. I got married the first (and only time [please god may it never happen again!]) at 37. If that is what you want to do and it feels right to you, than by all means, go for it!

Older guys have a much better chance on the heterosexual dating scene than young guys, in terms of finding a good relationship, as long as they are looking in their own age range. Middle aged women are less demanding because they have a better sense of self. The problem is in finding these women. But if you are clean, relatively sociable, and observant, this in not a big problem. Social clubs, church groups, and charitable volunteering are excellent ways to meet nice ladies. If you want companionship and relationship stability, the 45 and over age group is fertile ground. However, if you are looking for a spring chicken who will be a good mother to your children, you may have to work a little harder and put up with more crap.

I am 50 years old and have no interest in dating, at this time. But I do have several women friends, none of whom am I interested in nor are they interested in me (in that way.) Yet each of them has several other lady friends with whom they keep trying to fix me up. So, my suggestion is this: Make friends with women. Even if dating is not practical, possible, or desirable with a specific woman, let them know that you are interested in getting out. They will take care of the rest. Match making is in their genetic make up.

Aden

 

[markgreyblue]

Indy -

(((Indy)))

you are not a freak - i have had to come to a peace with my past as well - and i am still getting there - it is a long arduous road - i have not had friends until this past 2 years -
and in light of this i feel - and maybe will always feel inept in the dating realm -
one thing i have learned - and i don't mean to be negative - but perhaps just cautioning - that relationships are very hard - but they - just because they may not be a match at every moment - are still valuable - -
this has been a big lesson for me -
-it gives me a better vantage to deal with the pitfalls of even 'intimate' relationships - which
are so or can be so confusing -

anyway - you can do it - you can go for what you want - stay - at it -

i am 36 years old - i have never lived with anyone - partnered -

anyway - take it easy Indy -

Mark

 

[Indy]

Thanks for the support. I wish you two guys were in my family.

 

[Aden]

In an odd sense, we are!

 

[Indy]

Thanks all. The past month or so has been intense as I have made huge changes and set intentions for more. I have realized how much my early losses influenced my ability to get close. I figured if I could hold on, nothing would change, no one would die or leave, and I could control life. I am having to let go of that and it has been difficult.

I guess i could have remained this way-closed and moving through the motions, because opening is like thawing and the process takes time. I am grateful for the long distance hug of words from people on this site and other friends.

 

[Glen]

Hey Guys..
I have the same problems but Im 33 still scared though so I know how you feel. One of my former friends told me one time that I was a man and she was a woman what was I waiting for. And I couldnt do anything zippo. Too afraid. Started counseling hoping for the best. Good luck my brothers..