NEED YOUR HELP URGENTLY

[riviera]

Hi,

My boyfriend is getting much worse since he started the healing process about 4 months ago. I must say that he refused and still refuses to seek for medical help. I knew this was going to happen at one point as he is facing memories, emotions and feelings never confronted before, but I never thought it was going to turn this way. But since he is going under so much stress he is developing dissociation fugue and some symptoms listed in the PTSD criteria. He is suffering from a SEVERE TRAUMATIC RESPONSE that is altering everything.This is actually very overwhelming and at the moment I feel panicky and lost. He has realized by himself that all these symptoms are the result of an unresolved trauma and that they are interfering deeply in our lives and health. I can see the URGENT NEED of seeking for medical help while he still does not.
Has anybody being in this situation? How do I do to get him convinced that medical help is the only way? and that there is nothing wrong with it?
Thanks!
Take care
H

 

[Lloydy]

Riviera
"been there, done that"

And I don't want to minimise what you're both going through in any way at all, but many of us seem to have to reach rock bottom before we get off our arses and actually do something.

What that 'something' is varies, hopefully it's going to be counselling or therapy, but from my experience we need to see the bottom of our pit before we climb out of it.

Let him know that you're there to help him climb out, there's probably not much else you can do at the moment. If he knows that you trust him, will support him, believe him and love him then he's got a good start.

Sorry this sounds so negative, but think about it hard - it's not negative, it's about being positive for him.

Take care
Dave

 

[SAR]

H,

I'm not sure what you mean by "urgent" help. If, and ONLY if, you are truly concerned that your boyfriend will do serious harm to himself, don't hesitate to go over his head and get him some emergency help. There are suicide resources in the topic at the top of this forum.

Otherwise I have to agree with Lloydy-- for any kind of professional treatment to have a lasting effect on him, he has to want it for himself. And getting it himself will be an accomplishment and a major step in healing all on its own, when he's ready.

You should also know that supporting a survivor is rocky even with professional help. Even the men who are in therapy here have flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, etc. My boyfriend has been in therapy for a year and he has sleepless nights and crying spells. I'm not saying that professional help isn't important-- but I wouldn't assume that his SA issues will interfere with your life any less once he does begin therapy.

It's up to you-- with input from him, and respect for his choices, of course-- to figure out what you can do to keep your own life running as smooth as possible right now. It's normal to feel worried and lost, and also angry, sad, and frustrated about the changes in your life brought on by his recovery. You can choose counseling for yourself even if he's not interested-- or find other ways to keep yourself healthy and around supportive friends.

SAR

 

[riviera]

Thanks again for your comforting advice.
It is so helpful to know that others have been in similar situations and it is not the end of the world.
I have already realized that unfortunately it is in my nature to think the worst and react in an alarmist way that in turn just adds more pressure and stress to my boyfriend. However I must confess that it is very scary to see the person you absolutely adore in a sort of a trance state, eyes blank saying that he has found a place in his conscious mind where he feels safe, he does not have to talk anymore (he has lost his speech twice), he has no feelings whatsoever and he just wants to be there forever. It is like two people in one. Suddenly he wakes up from that state feeling ok and triumphant. He says that 'we won this time'. As if every time his mind dissociates (in order to cope with severe stress this situation is producing) and he comes back means that we have defeated it. My fear is that he might get stuck in that suffering and go nowhere feeling that it is not worth trying anymore.
My problem is that I suffer enormously for the people I love. I try to sort out their problems (with my best intentions) as if I had the key to solve everything that happens and I get tremendously frustrated when I realized that it is impossible and actually damaging (like in this case) to try to deal with things that he has to deal with himself.

I am learning little by little everyday and I am trying to see things with perspective. From the beginning I have felt that I'd be there for him even if that means loosing him as long as he recovers. That is my only will. From now on I'll be supportive, caring and loving as I think I have been so far but I'll stop trying to heal him which it is clear now for me that it is not my task.

Thanks again .
take care
H

 

[Lloydy]

Riviera

My problem is that I suffer enormously for the people I love. I try to sort out their problems (with my best intentions) as if I had the key to solve everything that happens and I get tremendously frustrated when I realized that it is impossible and actually damaging (like in this case) to try to deal with things that he has to deal with himself.

It's good that you recognise this, because if you keep trying to sort out his problems you will end up suffering as well.
You need your strength to look after yourself first, then support him.
It sounds hard on him I know, but it isn't. If he see's you suffering for him then he's going to hide his pain away from you, he'll keep it inside of him. And the chances are, like most of us, he's had plenty of practice.

When we get bad days, we need strong support.
I had the worst day I've had in years yesterday.
It was a beautiful sunny Sunday, I had a few odd jobs to do around the house but nothing hard, basically a nice relaxing day.
But I woke up with a panic attack, and it got worse throughout the day.

My wife recognised that I was having a 'bad one' and asked me how I was feeling. I obviously can't hide it as well as I could, so I told her how I felt.
What I got was reassurance and a big hug, and that was enough for me. I knew that if I got worse during the day then I could turn to her because she wasn't panicking about how I was, she just carried with what she was doing. Although I bet she was watching me a bit closer than ususal.
Knowing that, I carried on, did my jobs and then relaxed. Eventually, about 6 hours later, the panic attack passed.

What I needed was safety, and my wife's strength and composure gave me that. I get the same feeling from the guy I work with, he's also my best friend so he knows all about me, and I tell him if I'm having a bad day as well.

Dave