Need to talk

[Ceremony]

The situation I live in is getting to me big-time!

I've only had one partner.

I am no longer able to manage the sabotage, and constant derision.

But, leaving.... It's always "But"!

I'm terrified beyond coping, and if my plan works, I'm out in a little less than two months, maybe? It might be a little over two months.

I have bouts of depression from the triggers, over two weeks old. My therapy for this ties directly to being thrown away by my mom/family, the shit of school and bullies, getting raped, smashed in the face by my dad, thrown in a psych ward, running away, thrown away again, and just a shit life from 12-18.

Those old memories, I'm told to tell myself they're not the present. To do that by engaging my inner teens. It's hard to do depressed, and sabotaged by my wife.

I have the torment of body issues, anxiety, depression and these triggered memories. It's been a tough two+ weeks.

Tomorrow, another big trigger, my 34th anniversary. Now a horrible feeling.

Every moment this evening, she derided me. Now she's upstairs and I get a little break.

Because she does that, and she's loud, I can't make evening phone calls. It's been like this for decades. Only my current therapy has helped me bring a tiny flicker of self worth to this toxic drama. I have to do some normal things, that in a calm, supportive situation I would thrive. But, I'm in hell.

I hate that tomorrow is my anniversary.

I'm tired of this. I need to finish some things, and keep going on my new job! She's got me there too. No phone calls is a problem. I wait for the next morning, find I'm exhausted, and she starts my day with the same end if day derision.

I want to be loved.

 

[manipulated]

And you deserve love. You will never find happiness or healing there. Pull the rip cord and jump-sooner not later.

 

[KMCINVA]

Ceremony

Everyone deserves to be loved. Sadly, I have come to learn many people do not know how to love even though they may love someone. We all carry baggage, some times it is packed in a trunk and for others it is a carry-on bag, in the end it is still baggage. The size of bag is not important but rather how damaging the baggage is to one person. It comes from living. Sometimes we pack the bags and other times others pack the bags for us, like CSA the abuser filled the trunk with pain, hurt and self loathing that we carry until we empty the trunk through healing.

You have carried much baggage and are unpacking these days. It is difficult and painful. We all need that support. I have spoken of my situation, I have learned what my baggage is and I slowly work to unpack. I know in my marriage and I understand the baggage my ex carried. It hurt me when I think of where I stood in her life. Did she love me, probably but her baggage and my baggage got in the way. I remember when we were dating her mother said to her (and I only know this because my ex told me) that she should look at how I look at her and she should treat me better. My ex laughed and now I think back to those days, her mother who was loving but like the rest of us carried baggage that somehow morphed into baggage in my ex's bag. I did not understand her baggage and actions were a result of her baggage. She did not understand nor did I share my baggage with her. As I heal and unpack, as I talk with professionals, I better understand my baggage as well as the baggage of others. Until we see our own baggage we cannot see the baggage others carry. If we can see the other persons baggage we can decide if we can help them find a way to begin their unpacking.

I understand and after being divorced for 5 years I accept my baggage. We all have to unpack some day if we want happiness. It seems easier to pack then unpack. Why, I think because as we unpack we face truth and realize our self perceptions--real or self created--were not. Truth can create pain and hurt but in the end it helps one heal and find happiness. It also opens one's mind they nor anyone else is perfect, sometimes an illusion one does not want to admit.

My children carry baggage and like the rest of us some they packed with own actions and other pieces in their bags other's packed sometimes intentionally and other times unwillingly. You wife has her baggage and if she does not want to start unpacking and finding the joys in life you need to move forward and find your happiness.

Carrying excess baggage is exhausting and you are tired. You need a break from your "derision". You deserve to be loved and by unpacking your baggage which we can see you are working hard to do, you will come to love yourself first--and that is the most important love one can have in their life. If you do not love yourself you will not be able to accept the love of another person. I have been there and today I know love.

You are loved by everyone here. Remember love requires you to love yourself. Be kind to yourself and just accept your wife's baggage is her life and not yours.

Kevin

 

[Ceremony]

Thank you Mani and Kevin. I need to believe I have these two months, it literally means homelessness or not.

I do have an escape if it gets that bad, and my anniversary pain is a blip of time. I hope.

Being triggered by my past has been in conjunction with recent news. I'm trying to keep it to a minimum, but it's everywhere and I don't live in a bubble.

I want to be back to listening more often too. There are so many strong threads going on.

Sadly, my wife has decided to reject any counseling or therapy. Our son is affected and it's on me to make efforts to help him. It seems like I'm betraying him to leave, but my desire for his presence afterward is top of mind. That will not be easy on him, and he may want the familiarity of his surroundings rather than my new situation.

However, my wife will make it all about her and cause more harm. I will hope he sees the contrast sooner than later?

 

[Bluedogone]

You DESERVE love. It's sometime hard to define exactly what love is, and as you've found out so profoundly, you know exactly what love is not. When all the forces on every side, both past and present, are beating down on you, and with no sense that it will ever improve with your spouse, it seems pretty obvious to me, as an outsider, you should get out of that toxic deal. Hopefully the two month window can be realized.

Caring about the effect on your son is commendable, and having a bit of guilt feelings is natural, but consider what the toxic situation he's in now is having on his well being.

I'm very biased on this subject because I had a similar situation many years ago, and got out of it before it brought me down both physically and mentally. Getting through it was one of the worst times of my life and wrecked havoc on my finances for a couple of years. But looking at it from this side, it's one of the most liberating things possible.

As much as I'm part of a group of survivors I can only offer my encouragement to make the break. You know that no mater what we'll be here regardless to support and back you.

 

[traveler]

Ceremony - i feel for you, man. i am glad you have a plan to extricate yourself from that toxic situation. i am sure that your own emotions,state of mind and general well-being will improve once you are on your own. hang on and keep coming back here, where you are respected, valued, accepted and loved.
- Lee

 

[sorryson]

Ceremony my heart aches for you. You are in a tough spot. It reminds me of my Dad and spot my Mama and us put him into. He had no peace around us. One of us was working to undermine him and make him feel like crap. We did a good job and your wife seems to have mastered it as well.

I think Kevin's analogy of packing and unpacking the suitcase is a good one. We pack crap on top of crap. The abuse began the dirty laundry. Then the feeling of abandonment by Mama, then the abandonment we did to Dad. Our words and actions were disgusting but it took us decades to realize. The only good one was my sister who made amends and had a loving relationship with Dad. You have your son and I am glad you are watching out for him. When the bullets are flying in the house no matter how anyone tries the child will have some ill feelings.

Your wife does not want help and there is nothing you can do about it. I guess she needs to unpack her own bag. Until she does she will live in misery and make other peoples lives miserable.

I am glad you keep writing and hopefully it helps you. I am not here often anymore because I have so many doctors and counselors and family that is helping me get over all that happened. I admire your courage and honesty.

Paul