Need to help my stepson

Need to help my stepson
S

stepmom

Registrant
Hi -

I am here because I hoping to get some advice. I have been married to my husband for nearly four years, and he has two children from a previous marriage. The oldest boy, my oldest stepson, is going to be 17 in November. The youngest is 14.5 years old and lives with his mother 1700 miles away. Our oldest boy (OSS for now) has lived with us for nearly 3 years, and I love him very much. So does his father. His mother has neglected him terribly and has for a long time. She is fonder of the youngest, but neglected him as well. She is getting her act together some, finally, and that's the only reason she has the youngest boy.

Two nights ago, during a major argument at home over a contraband cell phone, it came out that while OSS was living with his mom, he was raped.

He was nearly 12 years old, just starting 5th grade. He was out very late, after midnight on a school night, with bad kids behind the local Target store. His mother did not even know where he was and did not ask. The kids decided it was time to go home, so OSS began his way home alone. He went past the local community college, which had many Port-a-Potties, and he was grabbed from behind. The man who grabbed him told him not to scream or he would kill him. The man pulled my OSS's pants down and raped him and then left.

OSS told no one. His mother was asleep when he got home. He told an older boy (big brother of a friend) that he was robbed that night in the same location. The older boy was a drug dealer and a gang member, and he went out that night and claims to have shot someone dead in that location, leaving the body in the river. My OSS is a total wreck. He has never told anyone. He feels dirty, ashamed, and unloveable.

We assured him that we loved him just the same as ever, and we have tried to be there with him more during the last two days. I had him tested for STDs (he is in the clear, thankfully), but that meant I had to tell our doctor and she had to file a police report. MY OSS knew that and gave permission for it.

I too was raped as a 16 year old, on a date. So I can relate somewhat to him. But my attacker is still alive and living in Atlanta. And I was not a young boy.

Family therapy might help us. He is very angry with his father for somehow not being there. But I am here because I am wondering what kinds of things that teen male survivors go through that us ladies might not. I want to help my child.

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
 
stepmom,

It's great you are taking such an active interest in your stepson's welfare. He will notice that, believe me, even if he doesn't show it so much at first.

An abused teenager living in the aftermath of abuse is going through some rough times. In most cases he will blame himself for what happened, and until he gets into counselling and receives some help he will probably suffer from decreasing self-esteem. It's very common for abused teens to feel quite powerless and worthless.

He will desperately need to talk about things, but at the same time he will fear being shamed, rejected and judged. There will be lots of "negotiation" before he will be able to talk, and much of it will be "encoded". So for example you ask him is anything wrong, and he will say no, he's okay. What he really means is he hasn't any idea even how to start talking about it. But with encouragement, understanding, and indications that you really care and are not going to judge him, he may start to open up a bit more.

Even if home is safe, it's difficult for an abused teen. Everything will look unreal to him, and everything he hears will sound trite and irrelevant. There may be displays of anger, but of course he has a lot to be angry about. If he does open up at all, it's important that he get your immediate and full attention. Nothing is more important - remember that however much of a brave face he is putting up to you, he is very frightened. Who would not be? When he sees that you really are interested and care, this will encourage him to keep communicating.

School will be a special problem. It's absolutely to be expected that an abused teenager going back to school will feel conflicted in lots of ways. The assurances of adults seem irrelevant; what do grownups know? What matters to him are his fears and anxieties, which he will often feel reluctant to share, even with adults he trusts.

These fears will be in areas that impact most immediately on his abuse experiences. For example, he will look at his schoolmates and see no one who "looks" like he has been abused. So he will feel all the more alone.

He will also feel anxious about how all his schoolmates seem to be participating in a view of relationships that leaves him as an absolute outsider. Everything they do seems to be dangerous and threatening so far as he can see. If a friend, for example, tells him about something he has recently done with a girl, he will think: That's what the abuser did to me. Discussions of sex, which of course are a huge topic among teens, will strike him as threatening and he will again feel like an outsider.

As he begins to feel more and more different, he will wonder how his friends can fail to see this "difference". Abused teens very often wonder if they have a "sign" on them announcing their abuse - they really do feel that obvious. Classes like gym, if they involve nakedness and communal showering, will be especially traumatic.

In classes in school he may find it difficult to concentrate and may wonder what the subject matter have to do with him. The result will often be a general meltdown as he figures that his own life has nothing to do with the "real world", and he may come up with solutions like leaving school and doing something that will prove his manhood and demonstrate his ability to be independent: for example, working construction or joining the military.

I really believe that the most important thing you can give him is a safe venue where he feels loved, wanted and special, and where he can feel free to talk about what's bothering him. Let him know that you won't judge him but need to understand how to help. If he says he can't talk, respect that but leave open the way for future discussions.

I hope these ideas help. There are several classic guides to recovery from abuse by Mike Lew and Mik Hunter, but these are for adults and teens find that these books don't speak to them. Much better for teens and those trying to help them is Cynthia Mather's "How Long Does It Hurt?: A Guide to Recovering from Incest and Sexual
Abuse for Teenagers, Their Friends, and Their Families". I have not yet read this book, but several teens have told me it helped them enormously. If you want a copy, you can get it through the bookstore on this site.

Much love,
Larry
 
Stepmom,

as a mother who also raised a son, my heart goes out to you as i can appreciate the deep heartwrenching pain you must feel right now.

teenage boys as young men are already often in a frame of mind where they appear not to listen to advice from their elders; couple that with this horrific trauma and you can only imagine the internal conflicts he's facing now.

it is extremely helpful - and i can't emphasize this enough - that you have been able to assist him in this ordeal. this board is also the right place to be; please avail yourself of the resources here including the therapist search.

there are young men like your son who also post on the male survivor forum, at some point you might try and introduce your son to this site also; how to do that is probably something only you can figure out, however.

remember, you and your son, your family are not alone.

all the best,
indy
 
Stepmom,

I do not come to this forum so much, but I come to here to seek that you write something. I was in chat room sometime later then you was in there, and I seen some what happen when you was in there speaking. I just wish to say, from me, I am very sorry for how one person in there treat you. That is not proper, not appropriate, and not excuseable. I am very glad that you find some very GOOD people to talk with about this.

I am survivor who was much abused, sexualy, by my mother, and I want you to know that I would not at all feel offense or threat by you in chat. There is much different between my own mother and most 'real' and 'good' ones. I know that. I still have some time, hard time to trust anyone who is in 'mother' like position to me, but I know that is of me, not of them.

I just want to say, your stepson, he is very lucky he have you, and his father, as parents. This is very hard thing to deal of, and to have family to support, that is very importent and helpful thing. I hope perhaps one day he can come to here hiself and find help. There is some younger members here also, he would not be only one miner here.

I am very glad you find this site, to give to you help and advices to help your son. Thank you.

VN
 
Everyone, thank you for responding to my post.

Roadrunner, what you described seems like exactly what my SS is doing at school. Feeling like a loner who doesn't fit, and just waiting it out so he can get out of there and "be a man". He is doing horribly in school and is totally unmotivated. And he has told me before that he knows he is a complete outsider there - no one has been through what he has, in his mind.

When I was a child, my father was physically abusive and my mother and I lived in a private hell. I know what it is like to feel you do not belong at all, and that the kids in school know absolutely nothing about how life "really" is. I told my stepson that honestly, I never fit in either. I still do not fit in anywhere, really. Not at work, not in school, sometimes not even at home with my husband. I said it was just as well that he did not fit. Because it meant that he would always be unique - his own person - and he would be stronger than those other people because he had been through so much. And that he would have perspective and wisdom because he had survived. Not fitting in has its good points. Of course, that was before I knew about the rape. I thought he was referring to all the other bad things he'd been through that I already knew about.

When he does open up, I am careful to listen and not do anything else. If I am washing the dishes, I turn off the water and slowly dry my hands so he knows I am paying attention. And I am careful not to overreact to what he says or judge him for it - I only try to clarify what he means. You are so right that it is dreadfully hard to talk about abuse. That much, I know I can do right. It is what has brought me closer to him - the ability to carefully ask questions and carefully listen. I see who he is and he knows that I love him even though he thinks he is ugly. I felt that way in my life too - for probably the first 25 years of it.

For me, however, education was a way out of depending on my abuser, and I ran with it. I am now a professional rocket scientist (no kidding), and I nearly starved to put myself through university. I find it hard to know what to do to help my stepson appreciate what an education can really do for him. It can buy him safety, choices, a good salary someday, the ability to think for himself and it helped me feel better about not fitting in, because I knew I had something more too (my well-trained mind). And it can help him protect his own family and children someday from living in the cycle of poverty which often exposes children to more abuse. I wish I could help him see that school can be a salvation. But I fear he will not. Because he is in such a hurry to prove what a big tough man he is - just as you said, Roadrunner. Construction, Marines, Police, big man stuff. He's experiencing that meltdown that you described now.

Thankfully, they don't shower communally in gym. He does have to change his clothes there, but he's a pretty big young man by now so I think he feels safer doing that now than he once did. I had not thought of that part. You are so right that he thinks there's a sign on him - he even said that exact thing to me once (but of course he did not say why at that time).

I will have a look at that book and maybe he and I can read it together, so we can talk about it.

I really am amazed at how accurately you describe my boy's life thus far - it is dead on. He is in love with his girlfriend (who doesn't treat him as well as she should, in my opinion). Even though they have been going out for 8 months, and I have walked in on him while he was holding her breast (I raised an eyebrow and walked right back out again), he told me that he was not having sex. Why? Because he said that she might regret doing it so young (she is 15) later on and he never wanted to hurt her that way. Totally makes sense given what has happened. He understands how precious her innocence is.
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VN, thank you for your kind words. There are lots of bad people of both genders out there - and lots of good people too. You are right about that. I am sorry that your mother did not honor the blessing that is her son. Bad things happen to good people sometimes, and it just ain't right. I hope that person will learn that screaming at me doesn't help my stepson get any help. Maybe he'll calm down if he realizes I am not a predator.
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Does anyone have any ideas on how to get my boy interested in school, or at least not dying to show how courageous he is? I don't want him to die in the war because of what someone did to him 5 years ago. And he is ready to die to prove his manhood.
 
stepmom,

Does anyone have any ideas on how to get my boy interested in school, or at least not dying to show how courageous he is? I don't want him to die in the war because of what someone did to him 5 years ago. And he is ready to die to prove his manhood.
Click to expand...
How about stressing to him how courageous it is even to GO to school under these circumstances, much less concentrate and do well? Often what an abused teen needs is validation - that feeling that what he is doing, in the face of his problems, is noticed and appreciated by those who really count in his life. Are there clubs or activities in his school that suit his interests? Sometimes a teen will hesitate to get into those because he thinks that here too he will fail or be closed out. But very often he finds that once he is in a smaller group with which he shares specific interests, it isn't so difficult to get into the swing of things.

He might also benefit from some serious talk about what it means to join the military these days. If he thinks school is mechanical and mindless, let him think a few minutes about basic training. And his service would almost certainly end up in Iraq, where he would be caught up in what is basically a simmering civil war that the US military cannot stem or end, and with rules of engagement that prevent the army's firepower and skills from being deployed in any effective way. Talk about frustration!

A stint in the army will of course NOT address his basic problem, which is recovery from abuse as a child. It will be a form of running away, and he may already know that running never solves a problem.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi Stepmom, you were looking for some info. Male Rape
Also if you can find the book "Recovery by Helen Benedict" it talks about rape and how it effects all types of people. When I read it in 1992 it helped me to see that most of the thoughts I had on why I was raped were wrong.

Stepmom, you mentioned that you were raped when you were 16, there is another web site I go to, Pandora\'s Aquarium It is mainly a site for females, but they do allow males on it also.
 
I will see if I can get any information on what GIs thought it would be like versus what it is like these days in the military. Maybe we know someone he can talk to. I am not sure.

I agree with you that it is a way of hiding. I think it might do some good to point out that remaining in your life is exceptionally difficult after abuse. "Being here now", as the Buddhists say, is pretty hard. I will acknowledge how brave it is to stay in your life, because I agree most people don't know that that alone is a challenge.

The only club that interests him is the auto club. I could suggest he join. But he doesn't have a driver's license and he feels pretty embarrassed about that (he has no license because without a B average I refuse to pay to insure him, and he cannot drive without insurance). Plus he tends to be a thrillseeker/adrenaline junkie (no shock there, I guess), and we don't feel like a car is going to improve his life expectancy. I'll ask him again about a club at school.

Thank you for your perspective!
 
Thank you lostcowboy. I just went to the web site for the rape crisis center and printed out the material. I'll check into the book.
 
Stepmom,

I am sorry, that you have also his difficulty, to wish to prove he is man. I wish he knew that, military, it don't make the 'man'. College doesn't either. No specific thing does. We as men, we are created in how we respond to all things in our lives. Your son, he is already a 'man' in the best use of the word. Still a child in ways, yes. But a 'man' for you and your husband, and he himself to be proud of.

Leosha
 
Stepmom,

let's see - put a gun in the hands of a youth who experienced csa; teach him the latest technology in killing, maiming and torture; hmmm....not rocket science (pun intended). just wait until his anger starts coming out. no doubt he'll win a medal or two. but come out of the service a healthy, well adjusted individual and be a contributor to society? doubtful.

ok, then what? just a suggestion, but as someone who also has a science degree which was earned against all (tremendous) odds, and speaking again from my own experience in raising a son, he may look up to you but see your accomplishments as not something he is capable of (my son didn't no matter how i encouraged him; and truthfully, science isn't for everybody).

like many teenagers he wants and probably even needs something right now that is more in the realm of instant gratification - what can he do that can provide something like that?

i'm also a documentary phographer and i know of quite a few photogs who have gone into homeless shelters, foster care facilities, even juvenile detention centers, and worked with 'at risk' kids - and yours is definitely 'at risk' even if he has the stability of your home - and given these kids cameras to go out and photograph the world as they see it. sometimes they use donated cameras, sometimes disposable ones, doesn't matter.

of course now digital cameras are the most popular and with that in mind, i'd take it one step further and suggest putting a digital videocorder in his hands. he'll be making his own movies in no time at all - maybe he can even enroll in a class somewhere at a community center, camera club, junior college, who knows.

as an artist (and a science nerd - talk about a double whammy!), i too had a great deal of difficulty fitting into the rigidities of institutionalized learning, still do. many people who are creative do; he could very well have hidden talents yet to be discovered - many, and i mean many kids who wind up on the streets, runaways, etc., are artistic minded who just couldn't handle an education system that worked against their creative juices.

without support at home for their creativity, they usually flounder and are often considered 'bad eggs,' or in other negative terms. alcohol and drug abuse literally beckon to these people and it's not unusual for many writers and visual artists to have substance abuse problems.

furthermore, men who artistic, even just for fun, often have their manhood questioned, and considering he's going to have that problem already from the csa, well, i just wouldn't expect him to come up to you and say all i want to do is fingerpaint.

but put a videocamera in his hands and send him off into the nabe and who knows what he'll come back with.

again, art is used in a myriad of therapeutic ways.

just remember, shoot with a camera, not a gun.

all the best,
indy
 
stepmom,

Reading over the other responses by Leosha and Indygal to your situation just convinces me more and more that what your boy needs is validation. He needs to feel worthwhile, see some meaningful purpose to his life, and feel hope that his problems are not endless or beyond resolution. None of that will come to a teenager by joining the military and heading off to war.

I think Leosha really nails it: he is already a young man who is worthy of love, pride, respect and admiration. You and your husband already see that.

The task is pretty clear: how to get HIM to see this - and believe it.

Much love,
Larry
 
Stepmom,

Maybe if he joins the auto club it will motivate him more to get his grades up so that he can have that license. It is incredibly validating and powerful to make things, and to make things work, with your own hands.

It sounds like your stepson is hungry for validation but also for "options" where manhood is concerned. What kinds of men is he exposed to? Who in his life is showing him what it means to be a man? I'd imagine that the more real life examples he has to fall back on, the less he'll feel a need to rely on "big man" stereotypes.
 
I think you all are right about my stepson needing some sort of validation. Some way to feel good about himself.

He is good at drawing, and he sketches things from time to time. He's taking painting at school right now and he says he likes the class. I took a photo class this summer, and he was impressed with what the camera could do and some of the shots I got. He helped me with my assignments sometimes by being my subject - particularly in the "fast motion" shots where you have to have someone jump around or run fast so you can try to capture the stopped motion on film. Maybe the idea of photography or videography on his own would appeal to him - that's a good idea.

Saturday, he and his dad worked together (very hard I might add) to replace the rear subframe on a car we recently bought as a project. He really enjoyed that and he was a big help. For those who don't know what a rear subframe is, it's the part of a car that all the suspension, wheels and axle are attached to in back, and it's a rather permanent part of the car. It looks like my stepson may be able to get into auto shop this year after all - I am investigating. I know he would find that rewarding.

Who are his male role models? Well, he looks up to his father a lot. And his dad is spending a lot more time with him since June, when our other boy moved to his mom's. My husband is the assistant manager of an auto-body shop. Before that, he was a glass installer for 10 years - if you needed your car window replaced, that's what he did. My husband can fix or make pretty much anything, and he often works hard around the house, with our boy helping him. He is also a guitarist, and he's very good. My husband plays in the church band most Sundays, and he has recently decided to go back to school to get a certificate in musicianship. But my husband barely finished high school and he only had about one semester of junior college welding and metallurgy classes. The boys' mother didn't even finish high school. So, yeah, my college degree is "impossible" in my stepson's mind.

His only other role models might be the pastor at this church or the last one, and the gang bangers who helped him stay "safe" in that horrible town he lived in before (where he was attacked). A pretty weird mix if you ask me. GI Joe (or Bruce Willis in pretty much any soldier movie) is probably his other role model. None of these people above have anything to do with education or a whole lot of heavy, introspective intellectualism. The present pastor and his father is the closest to self-reflection of any of these guys, but it's always spiritual or emotional reflection, not intellectual.

I guess I see now why he doesn't believe in school very much. It makes sense. No man he's looking up to is very well educated.

I asked my stepson to start attending Allateen meetings because his mom's addictive behavior is a large part of his sorrows. (She was addicted to the internet - eewww - and food. She is big as a house.) He has started going there and actually seems to get a lot out of it. He seems to feel much better when he comes home from there.

He likes working too. He sometimes works from a friend of the family doing odd jobs, mostly repair and cleanup of apartment buildings, putting lights into trees, that sort of thing. He loves this work, and he gets really upset when we take it away from him due to bad grades. So yeah, definitely I can see he is looking for validation.

I think he maybe needs some kind of rite of passage. Something that suggests he is a man. Because in many ways, he is.

Or, as you suggested, a way to bring his own power into reality (maybe via video or photography). He loves to travel and meet new people, and he gets along with every kind of person - maybe he could make a career out of something like photography or documentary work.
 
Hey all - Good news! I got him into auto shop today. He'll start tomorrow.

Thank you all for your good advice. I think it's time for me to stop setting expectations so outside his experience and help him reach for things he could call his own.
 
stepmom,

That's really great news. You have a variety of things now that can be used to encourage him and help him to see his own worth as a person and as a man-in-the-making. I especially like the idea of working in arts like drawing, painting and photography. I was a shutterbug myself and man, did I have fun with that.

Perhaps you could help him set goals as well. Good grades in school (to the best of his ability), good behavior at home, completion of assigned chores, and so on. I remember that when I was a teenager I wanted so badly to make my own decisions and I hated rules. But at the same time I feared the feeling I had that I was hopelessly adrift, and I desperately wanted stability and order in my life.

But include fun things as well. For example, you could help him develop an interest in photography, encourage him to improve his skills, and offer the option of giving him a good camera, setting him up with Photo Shop on his PC, and so on.

Your husband plays guitar? That's great, and there's another area where your boy can be helped. If you get him a beginner's guitar and your husband can teach him some things, that would help him a lot. He would see that some adult really cares about him in a tangible way, and the work needed to become good on a guitar might serve to bring the two of them closer together.

As he makes progress, his ability to trust will be improved and he might start opening up more about things that bother him. That would be the greatest breakthrough of all.

Much love,
Larry
 
We have done all those encouraging things, as you suggest, over the last three years. Mostly he did not ever follow through with much because he was so... I don't know... Despondent? He seemed to never believe in himself or his abilities. It was always one unfinished project after another with him. Unless it was hard work - like yardwork or something - around the home. He did not even GO to school significantly for about three years until I got a hold of him and we forced him to attend. We have been working toward success in school for three years now, but because of his low self-esteem, he never really "went for it". I am big on rules and specific expectations (i.e. you can have a driver's license when you have a B average, or if you eat all of my favorite food you must bicycle to the store and buy me a replacement on the spot). I think kids do need limits, within reason, and I make them clear, as does my husband. That did help him a lot in the beginning of his time with us.

My boy has had a beginner's guitar since he was old enough to hold one, actually, and he has been learning some chords with his father more recently. I still buy him art supplies regularly. And he helped take apart the car last weekend with his father, which I think was a good bonding experience. But he's never really "taken" to anything.

Honestly, I think his own secret and lack of self-belief was holding him back from taking any of those chances or opportunities. Maybe he thought he wasn't worthy of it, or he didn't trust us or that we would not just give him our time or love because he was him and we loved him. I am not sure. But it sure seems to be changing rapidly now that the secret of the assualt has been told.

I had the nicest conversation with him today. He told me he had been thinking a lot over the last few days, and he wasn't ready to join the Marines right after high school. He said he wanted to go to junior college for a while first, and see where that went. He said he'd have more to fall back on after the Marines if he did that, and more to offer any job or the Marines if he went to school. My gosh. What a change. He said he wanted to learn about what HE wanted to do or learn, and what HE actually liked. I was shocked and so pleased. He talked about how being cold usually reminded him of that night when he was attacked, and even just shivering from the cold brought back the memory every time. (PTSD there, definitely). I am amazed and relieved that he felt okay talking to me about it. He said he was even feeling a lot more comfortable about the idea of telling his therapist about the assualt - like he felt he could really do that.

I think his confession about the assualt opened a flood gate of emotions for him. He has been emotional all week, and he's really opening up in a whole new way to us and to himself. I am so relieved. My boy is coming back to life. And he likes himself.
 
Stepmom,

your post brought tears to my eyes - ok, am a rank sentimentalist, i admit it - but still, is great to hear he's doing better.

i do think the survivors on this board are a force to be reckoned with :cool:

all the best,
indy
 
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