need to get this out

need to get this out
S

swartzhund

Registrant
I haven't been around for a while and I hate to only show up when I have something bothering me but I guess I'm doing it anyway.

I had to be a pallbearer at my grandpa's funeral a week ago. as I was walking toward the receiving line I realized my abuser (uncle) was next to my grandma. I hadn't planned for this in advance and it cought me off-guard. Without thinking I gave my grandma a big hug, kissed her cheek and then passed by the monster like he didn't exist to console with the rest of my aunts and uncles. That was easy for me since I've been doing avoiding him much the same since I was about 15. The thing thats on my mind is the fact that as I was going through the receiving line I was hoping nobody would notice that I walked by the monster like he was invisible. (keep in mind I have never told any family about my abuse) Later on when it seemed like nobody noticed I started thinking to myself. Did they really not notice? Do they somehow know about the past and try to pretend it never happened? How could nobody notice that? but then I have to also remember that I was sexually abused in my home for years by a mentally retarded uncle and nobody noticed that either. I can't help but think over and over again in my head about this. Do people know what went on and they're too damn supressed or afraid to acknowledge it? Do I have such an askewed view on things that what I think is obvious really isn't to the rest of the word?

If you're reading thank you and again I'm so glad I have a place where I can vent these things and I don't have to stay trapped in my head anymore.

Brian
 
Brian,

I am sorry for the loss of your grandfather.

As for the 'not noticing' of the rest of your family, it seems that families have 'selective attention' to things sometime. I feel that any time someone is being abused, or has been abused, there HAS to have been some signs of it, and yet, most of the time, the rest of the family feigns ignorance and appears so shocked if you do finally tell them. I think it is impossible for such things to happen without hints of what is occuring. It is just somehow ignored in the denial. I am sorry that you have to deal with this alone within your family. Perhaps some day you will be able to bring it up openly, but even then, I think you have wonder in the back of your head of 'how did you not notice'?

Take good care of yourself.

leosha
 
Thanks Leosha, your response makes good sense. You used one word that struck me........denial. Denial is a powerful and mysterious entity isn't it?

I don't think I'll ever be able to breathe a word of any of this to a family member. Partially because of my unwarranted guilt, but mostly because of something I'm sure many of us here feel. I would rather hold all the pain in the world than hurt the people in my family that I love so much. I'm just afraid that news of this would crush too many hearts and the last thing I want to do is put myself in a position of responsibily for that kind of hurt.

Okay, I'm rambling about myself now.......thanks for reading and your opinion.

Brian
 
Brian,
I decided to tell my immediate family members(mom dad brother) but not tell any of the extended ones. I too struggle with the philosophy that I would rather hurt and deal with it myself rather than tell other family members. Tough call man, glad you can vent here though.
 
I can only wonder if he is or will abuse others. What will happen when his grand nephures are in his life, I would think of telling your mom or dad who ever brother he is. Good luck in your healing. Tom
 
Thank you for the comments.

Tom, I have considered what you're saying. Currently there are no boys in the family to worry about. If the situation ever does arrive I would talk with one of my cousins about how they should never leave their children unattended with him.

edit: i went off a little about this and realized i don't need to do that here.
 
Brian,

Allow me, too, to offer you my sympathy on the passing of your grandfather. I never knew either of mine, personally. I knew them both by the lagacies that they left; one, a skilled craftman, the other through the abuse he heaped upon my mother and uncle.
Funerals are never easy...my hat off to you for handling it as gracefully as you did.
Family pain...ya, I cared way too much of that, as I'm certain that most of us did.
Good luck to you. Don't hesitate in talking any of this over with your therapist, some things are good to share and others best kept private.

David
 
Hey Brian... yeah, I know the whole denial thing all too well. The memories that I most fully have regarding my abuse are the ones where my mother commented on symptoms I was having but stopped there. She never continued on to make the connection. I also had a teacher allude to it in elementary school and then a counselor in high school. Again, their denial (and my own) stopped any further inquiry into what happened to me at the hands of my stepfather.

Further complicating things was the fact that many people, including my mother, knew about the physical abuse that he inflicted on me... so I think that if they didn't stop that from happening, how could I have expected anyone to stop the sexual abuse even if they did know?

Sorry for the rambling... I'm sorry for the loss of your grandfather. I was close to my own and lost him a couple of years ago. He was the only good male figure I ever had in my life. And I agree with others here... it sounds like you handled yourself well at the funeral. Family gatherings always bring the family secrets to the surface unfortunately. Hope you are processing everything well.
 
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