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testingWaters

Hello to all --

I'm having a rough spot this evening. Could tell my whole story but don't want to. I'm tired of explaining myself all the time. Not surprisingly, given a lifetime of trauma-stress, denial, etc. I still have a huge capacity for denial. Basically, I did everything else I could to get healthy before I allowed myself to actually consider that maybe I really had been abused by my dad. Once I did, which was really just a matter of telling someone and leetng the pieces fall into place, it was like I had been freed from prison, etc.

My father apparently has no idea what I am talking about. At the time when this happened, he was a drinking a huge amount, and may have symptoms of a personality disorder, but the little kid in me just can't believe he either doesn't know what I'm talking about or is lying. And as far as the latter goes, I cut him off a few weeks ago and he wrote me an email saying he wanted to talk and was worried about me. When I responded, I told him I needed some space to sort out my memories and that he needed to respect my boundaries. He forwarded this to my mother and said he had no idea what I was talking about. I feel so fucking lost because I don't believe he is lying exactly, but as a grown man who has spent his whole life being hypervigilant to never get so inebriated he crosses other people's boundaries inappropriately, it is almost impossible for me to believe he doesn't remember, and yet I wonder if he doesn't. I've never really blacked-out from drinking because it is too scary for me. Is it possible he actually does not remember and has no clue? And if so, how the hell can life be so f*ing nuts? Sigh. I'm doing very well and while denial seems really appealing sometimes, I know it doesn't work. If anyone has any words of wisdom or advice, I will be very grateful. Thanks. I hope everyone is finding some peace tonight. Love to each.
 
Hi TW. Can't say as I have any real advise for you. You've done the right thing by spilling how you feel here with us. I believe it is indeed possible he has no clue if he did this while inebriated. This must be incredibly frustrating for you. Hell, it is to me just to hear you tell it.

Sometimes, there just isn't someone who can step up to the plate and say "I'm sorry". In my case it is the fact that both abusers are dead. This leaves us needing to learn to face it in some other way. I think this is the time when we need to have the guidance of a good therapist who specializes in cases of male sexual abuse. I have no idea whether you are in counseling or not so please forgive me if that's the case.

In my case, the T suggested that I simply write a letter to the perps stating my case including all the anger and emotion. I know our situations are not really the same, but I guess what I'm suggesting is that the T may have some experience in dealing with clients who've been is similar situations. Worth a try.

I wish you peace tonight, Friend.

Lots of love,

John
 
TW,

Try it out, It might make the difference that you are looking for. We are here and stand behind and support both Spiritually and Physically Never forget that


Fight the good fight


Pete
 
Okay now:

"I told him I needed some space to sort out my memories and that he needed to respect my boundaries. He forwarded this to my mother and said he had no idea what I was talking about."

THAT IS A DIRECT VIOLATION OF YOUR BOUNDARIES. So stop wondering what he does or doesn't know, as that can drive you crazy, and deal for a moment with the immediate reality that he is STILL violating your boundaries. This guy is on the defensive or he wouldn't be forwarding emails around. I've dealt with the very same behavior from my mother when I've tried to confront the abuse. Punting your concerns into the open is a direct way of shaming you back into silence. THERE IS NO OTHER REASON FOR IT. This person is abusing you now and needs to be thought of and treated as such so you can stay protected.

Heed the great advice of those here; see a therapist if you aren't already, and get some distance from your father and this confrontation for a moment. Get yourself some perspective and some distance. There are a lot of posts here at the moment about toxic parents, check them out. It's very very important that you put yourself first and stop worrying so much about your father, or even communicating with him at all at the moment if need be. Bottom line: put yourself first.

love,

Alex
 
He knows its true what he did, he is covering his own sorry ass.
Dont let him get through to you by using others against you, tell him its the truth.

He has big personality problems, kind of like he can just take what he wants.
I have met these types who just barge into someones life and take anything.

Your mother knows him, so she should believe you not him, so tell her its the truth,

ste
 
TW,

I know from my own experience as a teenager and young adult that it is perfectly possible to get so drunk that you black out and have no memories at all of what happened the night before. As you proceed down that road, yes, life can get pretty crazy.

That said, I do tend to agree with what others have said above: it does seem that your father is "negotiating" with you and all the family over this issue of what happened to you as a boy. Could I suggest something here? It seems that one part of you - the boy who just wants to be loved and wanted by his father - clings to the hope that it's all untrue, while the adult you knows very well what the memories mean, however fragmentary and confused they may seem.

I also wonder if you are clinging to the hope that if your father did abuse you, at least he didn't know what he was doing or didn't remember it afterwards. That would be an entirely understandable sentiment bro. But the fact remains that your father is still responsible for what he did. "Sorry I was drunk" just doesn't cut it.

I suppose the big question here is this: What's the way forward? I think Alex is right when he stresses the need to put YOURSELF first, rather than focusing so much on worry about your father. After all, what's at issue here? Nothing less than your recovery and your struggle to reclaim your life. That's pretty important!

Let's also look at the issue of your father. I don't blame you at all for caring about him; that reflects a lot on your own really solid character. But he also has some recovering and rebuilding to do. Part of that will mean he needs to stop the mind games, take responsibility, and admit what he has done. Anything short of this will reflect the idea that the harm you have suffered just doesn't matter, or else that it occurred long enough ago that you should just "get over it".

Much love,
Larry
 
I'm feeling better after some sleep and taking a little peace for myself. I am so grateful for all these responses. A lifetime of mind games is a lot to deal with all at once. But I will say I almost laughed out loud that I, a grown man, needed someone to remind me that his forwarding of that email is a direct violation of my boundaries. Thank you. I still haven't set up my account for private messages, but I will. I need this little community right now, and it would mean a huge amount to me if I could help someone else too right now. I hope everybody finds some peace this weekend. Don't want to say where I am, but I'll tell you this - its gorgeous and I'm gonna go swimming....Love.
 
TW,

Just a quick note on disclosing information about yourself. The important thing is for you to feel safe here. If it works for you that guys should know your name, fine. If not, also fine. Same with everything else. I think you will find that the brothers here will all respect the fact that we are all at different places in our recovery.

Much love,
Larry
 
t w everytime you post it helps someone,maybe just to be able to say ,hey i feel like that too,i think we can help the most when we are not real;ly trying to ,you know? adam
 
hey tw.

I am in a similar situation as you. I recently wrote a letter to my mother about my memories of her sexually abusing me. She has now shown the letter to a mutual friend who then contacted my father (parents are divorced) saying that she doesn't know what I'm talking about and that she still loves me. Trying to blame my drug/drink abuse for these memories or that my therapist has put ideas in my head. It has caused some self doubt but what has anyone got to gain in making up these type of alligations? my mum was also a victim of CSA and I believe that she is in denail because she doesn't want to face up to her abuse and also admit what she has done to me. I don't expect her to either but its not important. Whats important is I'm facing it and I don't need anything from her except to keep away from me.

I to was living in denail for years but as you said "its like being freed from a prison" now i've told people and I know this is the way forward in the recovery process.

just wanted you to know your not alone.

take care

Craig
 
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