Need some help (TRIGGERS)
Hello folks
I was going to say such a lot. Yesterday I saw a new Clinical Psychologist one that I had seen two and a half years ago. I was seeing her at the behest of my Consultant Psychiatrist. I have no real idea as to why I was seeing her, the appointment was made and I attended. I got the distinct feeling I was being given the brush off by our local area health authority. She asked me the question, What did I want from this meeting? I replied I dont really know, I still need help with my anger I know that. She will enquire as to what help is about and refer me. She asked me for an update on everything. I told her about the police investigation, the two trials I was involved with. My disappointment at the results and conviction as those convictions were upheld without my evidence, my evidence remains on file and that really pisses me off. It was me that started off the whole fucking investigation but I was unable to give my evidence because the Crown Prosecution Service here in the UK decided it would not be in the public interest (MONEY). After I had updated her on everything including my two and a half years of one to one counseling she asked what else can we do"? "Youve had two years of counseling, your still self harming, making yourself sick in the mornings, youve relapsed with booze, your going to have to let go! Me let go, no fucking way if I do that I will go under and there is no way Im going to go under as there are a few more of my perps out there that remain unconvicted. Yes I have my obsessions and thats to bring those others to justice even if that means I will ultimately destroy myself, if thats the case, so be it. Id rather die happy knowing that the finger had been well and truly pointed at those bastards (who remain unconvicted) who abused me.
As far as I can see my therapy has done me no good whatsoever I am still in that place I was on 9/11 yes on that day I started my counseling so Im not ever likely to forget that date. I have doubts still about my sanity and my recollection of events with one particular abuser, I can remember all the others as clear as a bell but not this one, I can only remember feelings and sensations, feeling cold against black silk sheets and dark stains on self same sheets. I can certainly remember the pain I was in the following day but decided to do nothing about it as that would have involved the police and I was never ever to be the cause of the police walking up our garden path, BTW this is laughable now, my father was more of a crook than I ever thought possible. Im still fucking angry at the way my parents took no bloody notice of me. I have disowned my father the only regret I have is that I didnt do it a lot earlier. I still suffer nightmares, night sweats and terrors, triggers, flashbacks, numbing out, unpredictable mood swings so intense I can feel them changing my mood, it is literally like standing outside on a bright sunny day and then a storm cloud moves over the sun and everything fades into grey and black, bloody hell its dark sometimes. Ive become a bloody hermit and recluse. I cant shower in the house whilst my wife is out and I feel sick on going outside. I just wish I could break this chain of feeling so bloody helpless, what am I doing wrong?
Help..There you go Ive asked for it.
Archnut
And all that was left was hope
My Story (TRIGGERS)
https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com
I was going to say such a lot. Yesterday I saw a new Clinical Psychologist one that I had seen two and a half years ago. I was seeing her at the behest of my Consultant Psychiatrist. I have no real idea as to why I was seeing her, the appointment was made and I attended. I got the distinct feeling I was being given the brush off by our local area health authority. She asked me the question, What did I want from this meeting? I replied I dont really know, I still need help with my anger I know that. She will enquire as to what help is about and refer me. She asked me for an update on everything. I told her about the police investigation, the two trials I was involved with. My disappointment at the results and conviction as those convictions were upheld without my evidence, my evidence remains on file and that really pisses me off. It was me that started off the whole fucking investigation but I was unable to give my evidence because the Crown Prosecution Service here in the UK decided it would not be in the public interest (MONEY). After I had updated her on everything including my two and a half years of one to one counseling she asked what else can we do"? "Youve had two years of counseling, your still self harming, making yourself sick in the mornings, youve relapsed with booze, your going to have to let go! Me let go, no fucking way if I do that I will go under and there is no way Im going to go under as there are a few more of my perps out there that remain unconvicted. Yes I have my obsessions and thats to bring those others to justice even if that means I will ultimately destroy myself, if thats the case, so be it. Id rather die happy knowing that the finger had been well and truly pointed at those bastards (who remain unconvicted) who abused me.
As far as I can see my therapy has done me no good whatsoever I am still in that place I was on 9/11 yes on that day I started my counseling so Im not ever likely to forget that date. I have doubts still about my sanity and my recollection of events with one particular abuser, I can remember all the others as clear as a bell but not this one, I can only remember feelings and sensations, feeling cold against black silk sheets and dark stains on self same sheets. I can certainly remember the pain I was in the following day but decided to do nothing about it as that would have involved the police and I was never ever to be the cause of the police walking up our garden path, BTW this is laughable now, my father was more of a crook than I ever thought possible. Im still fucking angry at the way my parents took no bloody notice of me. I have disowned my father the only regret I have is that I didnt do it a lot earlier. I still suffer nightmares, night sweats and terrors, triggers, flashbacks, numbing out, unpredictable mood swings so intense I can feel them changing my mood, it is literally like standing outside on a bright sunny day and then a storm cloud moves over the sun and everything fades into grey and black, bloody hell its dark sometimes. Ive become a bloody hermit and recluse. I cant shower in the house whilst my wife is out and I feel sick on going outside. I just wish I could break this chain of feeling so bloody helpless, what am I doing wrong?
Help..There you go Ive asked for it.
Archnut
And all that was left was hope
My Story (TRIGGERS)
https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com