Need some feedback on this desperately

Need some feedback on this desperately
J

Jimshort36

Registrant
I’m new but I’m well into a lot of work on my abuse. I was molested from around 2 to 4 by a great uncle. Lots of stuff there. But tonight - here’s what I need to know: father died at 14 (good relationship with him) and drinking by 15 and by 16 I’m being groomed and lavished with attention by a guy my age. In time, lots of drinking and he eventually comes on to me - I freeze. He them orchestrated my life for his sexual please for several years. I didn’t know it then but a master manipulator and predator - that was 40 years and it haunts me - he abused me and I always said it was OK but I know it was not. It destroyed me, was I abused by him?
 
From what you have said here yes

The manipulation you mention is what stands out the most , people shouldn't manipulate anyone and abusers manipulate alot

Coersive control can be subtle , gradual and very difficult to recover from

Posting here is a great step I hope it helps you like it has me.

Peace
HL
 
Healing light said:
From what you have said here yes

The manipulation you mention is what stands out the most , people shouldn't manipulate anyone and abusers manipulate alot

Coersive control can be subtle , gradual and very difficult to recover from

Posting here is a great step I hope it helps you like it has me.

Peace
HL
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Thanks- I’ll fill this story out more but I needed some affirmation. When it started o had no memory of my earlier abuse. Only terrifying fear of life and panic attacks. My dad was my hold on all things good and when he died my mom plunged into depression and I was alone. This guy could read the sign on my back. I was older but emotionally I was a kid.
 
I’m processing this “relationship “ - it was so stressful, so many tears, felt “raped” very often and powerless. I Lost my virginity to him and I can’t undo that. He found every weakness in me and filled it or used it to his advantage.
 
Hello, I have one experience that is similar to yours. My friend was about 1.5-2 years older, but we hung out a lot, smoked some pot once in awhile, listened to rock albums like Deep Purple "Machine Head", and made some food sometimes. It was just palling around, so I thought. It's hard to look back and see it as grooming, manipulation for me to let him touch me, and do what he wanted. I had no idea what he was doing, and it was very confusing. I sort of recall that it was just things to do, not bad, not particularly good for me, but I had no concept of touching and whatever. I don't recall if I was 12 or 13? It was one of those. Probably 13?

I don't recall when he told me he was allowed to drive his dad's Cuda? It looked really cool, and I was impressed. He also wantd to skip school and go into the city to play pinball and look in on one of his dad's apartments. That was when I saw that he helped his dad clean out a person's belongings when they left. Apparently left for good? We put all the stuff in boxes and large trash bags. I'm not sure if we threw them in a large bin or left them in the alley by it? I mention these, because sorting the grooming can process what we believe about the manipulation.

I was being used, and it didn't occur to me until years later. I was ashamed by then, and wouldn't talk of this until I started here at MS. This reply to you is more detail about it, and I think that's because like you, I still have thoughts about what happened. I've read that some in psychology and therapy would question whether what I had done was experimenting. The part that I read about age differences bugs me. I read that an age difference somewhere around 5 years shows more certainty that the situation was grooming and molestation. It is a grievous harm to me that I have read that. I wish I had never. I know I was groomed and molested, and whomever wrote those words, whether intending to focus upon certain nuances or not, they harmed men like me who are vulnerable with sensitivities, and came to healing with a lot of doubts. I am sure he molested me, and perhaps someone is wider read about what I mention here, and will share to totally relieve the burden those words planted in my thoughts.

I am sorry, but it seems important to air the age issue.

I know, that I hadn't a clue what touching and whatever was, and that I had no way to consent properly. I was in total ignorance about the situation. TRIGGER!!!
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His come on my back surely showed he knew what he was doing.



Reading your post shows to me, based on my experience, that you were molested.
 
I was 12 when my father died he wasn't a great person but I do understand how the death of a parent dramatically changes home life , my perp cousin groomed me further after my father's death it certainly gave him a foot hole so I can identify

And I'm sure you will find here many others can identify I haven't felt as alone in my fight since joining here

Wishing you peace in your healing
HL
 
I get that about age - but for me I was so manipulated (didn’t know it) and put in very precarious situations (like getting seen having him fondle me). It was a game to him - I knew it then - but my repressed former molestation had me compulsive and unable to say no. Freezing. As am reflecting Over the years I recall so many circumstances from the moment we got in the car until maybe even the next morning every piece of that have been orchestrated so that he would be able to get the pleasure that he wanted out of my body. And I just never had any idea that was happening. He would shower me with attention and make me feel like the most important thing that ever lived. And I craved the attention because of my family and my mothers depression and being alone. And other times he would ignore me as if I didn’t exist. And you could see the look in his face of delight and knowing that it caused me so much distress. He would get me drunk just to take it advantage of me and he would pretend to drink and I realize that now. There’s so much more to the horror of all of that.
 
My cousin abused me for very many years as a child and adult

I'm really sorry for what you had too face

Looking back it's easier to see the manipulation than when it's happening

Peace
HL
 
YES! He took advantage of the traumas of your past that stunted your ability to be his peer emotionally.
 
The malicious voice in my head told me it was all my idea. So many things I had forgotten though - well before the “sex” there was so much drawing me in - from adoration to vague sexual innuendo to fun. Always alcohol. Don’t want to TRIGGER - just be aware. I’d come by his house and go up to his room and he’s in his underwear. So, that’s normal I say. But he’s always taking his pants off and making sure I see him - I’m 16 and I’m always scared. This was way before cell phones - small town and he’d leave a note on my car often. Just hello or stop by kind of stuff - always pursuing me. No one did that - no one cared. I craved it. I’ll get to the first sex later. I’m not ready to type it. I appreciate the help.
 
Someone used the word “peer.” That’s it - I was never a peer - I was a victim who was ready and available and he could read the invisible sign on my back.
 
At the same time in life, my mom would stay in her room for days at the time - only coming out to go to work or eat. I’m not sure what I did - I went to school, part time job - my world vanished iay when my dad died suddenly.

This guy could charm everyone and earn trust. Adults loved him - he ingratiating came into my life. My mom let him come and go as he pleased. He’d show up unexpectedly at times, come to my room and I might be asleep - it never mattered. He’d make me uncomfortable but again I thought “this is what guys do” - he’d sit on my bed, poke at me and joke around. He flirted I realize now. He mastered creating sexually tense situations and making them look innocent and accidental.

I’d go out with friends - him included - and almost always he’d end the night with me alone - it was planned I understand, but not then. Simple things - “oh, I’ll give you a ride home” or waiting for me in my driveway when I got home and wanting to talk. I’d get in his car and for a while it was just talk. I had a real friend I’d think.

This was a long time ago - I was married almost 20 years (divorced now) and have kids in
College so I’m really allowing myself to remember this stuff - it puts a knot in my gut but I’m gonna get it all out.
 
Jimshort36 said:
Just adding a bit here - I need some thoughts on the way I (we) compare ourselves to every other man (in all ways)
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I think that is common - we often feel, due to the CSA, that we are somehow "less than" other men.
 
Jimshort36 said:
Just adding a bit here - I need some thoughts on the way I (we) compare ourselves to every other man (in all ways)
Click to expand...
I just read your posts and i am very sorry for what happened to you. In dealing with the age thing a lot of people don't think about how we all develope at different speeds. My wife developed breasts and first period at 8. My sister at 13. This difference applies to the mind as well. I would guess that for him to be that good at it he was abused as well before he did you. Many experts have to talk about the AVERAGE experience, but there are always the exception to the average isn't there! I don't think they're trying to belittle those on the edges so much as might not know how or have room to address them.
I literally just posted on the subject of us being men. I recently had a thought that when males are abused as children at a time when they are trying to figure out what does it mean to be a man. It messes with us badly because one of the first things we learn is "men are in control". During the abuse WE ARE NOT IN CONTROL and that damages our psyche. The thought i had was that we often want to believe we did have some control because society has told us that "men are in charge of themselves and if you're not then you're not a man are you. Men are the protectors of the weak. If you need protecting then you're weak and not a man." We blame ourselves so to see ourselves as men. I wondered if the reason we are always comparing ourselves to other (undamaged) men is that we believe society is right. As i write this an idea comes to me. In star trek next gen. picard tells Data that "it is possible to do everything right and still lose!" That's us we did everything right to get what we were manipulated into believing we needed or wanted. Like Tom Sawyer manipulated the other kids into whitewashing the fence for him. As humans we need the connection to others desperately and there will always be them that abuse. I know it's rambling a bit but i hope it helps.
Blessed be peace unto you and good ripples brother.
 
One of the ways they groom and control you is by gaslighting you; making you questioning your own sanity.


***TRIGGERS***


I was abused by doctors and nurses when I was 5. I had been gaslighted all my life about my medical phobia (especially by healthcare providers). This is how healthcare ensures compliance of all patients. Was told that I have some mental issue because doctors and nurses would never abuse a patient. I almost started believing everybody else and questioning myself.

Then in 2018, when an incompetent nurse abused me (because a member of the IV team was not available) trying to start an IV, sticking me with the same cannula for over 10 minutes, twisting and probing in 3 different spots, me paralyzed in fear, my wife finally stopped him. I knew I was right. Deep down I ALWAYS knew was right.

It also sounds like everyone here, deep down knows what really happened to then. What I needed, and what I see others here need is validation of our abuse. When I finally started therapy, the FIRST thing that I asked the therapist is, "was I really abused?" Granted the nurse was not being malicious, just the hospital was short staffed and he attempted to do a procedure that he was not qualified to do, the behavior was abusive. He was more worried about his job than the patient.

The profession grooms patients and society to trust them. This is evident in how many people tell me that I need to do blood work. (I have refused all preventative care and screening.) My response is that the ONLY thing that we ever NEED to do is die at least once in our lives.
 
Hi - I’ve avoided this thread for a year. The last few weeks the pressure of this has been difficult. I’ve read all of what I have said and the replies- I appreciate the replies. It’s the shame that kills me. Last night - Easter - i binged on gay porn trying to make what happened fit somehow. It never works. Then the shame. Truckloads.
 
There are many porn addiction resources out there that can help not only with the porn issues but the reasons behind those addictions, including childhood traumas, such as CSA. HusbandMaterial.com is the one I work with, but there are many out there.
 
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