Need some advice

Need some advice
R

Riptide X

Registrant
Hi all,


I have a question that is kind of stressing my wife and I out. As some know here I was abused by my step-grandfather and still trying to recover.

Well here is the problem, my wife's step-father abused my wife as well. Well my wife doenst consider it abuse becuase she always say it was nothing as bad as myself. I try to explain to her details dont matter, problem is I dont want to be around someone like that.

Here is the main issue my wife told her mom several years ago about what happened, and she was upset but said it happened so long ago and wasnt that big of a deal to her mind, since she was abused by her own father and considered the acts a lot worst. So my wife and I have always stayed amiable to her parents, though deep down inside I cannot stand them especailly her step father. He reminds me way too much of my step grandfather who abused me. Even though I am an adult now, I refuse to be alone with her step father for fear he will try something though I know he wont.

The thing is we have a 10 year old daughter, and my biggest priority is her and her safety. I do not ever want her to be alone with my wife step-father, which never does happen. But her parents keep asking for her to sleep over, and her mom says dont worry i will never leave her alone with him.

I dont care what he or she promises...I told my wife no way will she sleep over there espeically not without you there. Personally I rather have nothing to do with ethier of them, but my wife does not have much family, and she is still very close to her mom.

My wife does agree with me, that she should never sleep over there or ever be alone with him. But our question is what do we tell our daughter? She is 10 and starting to ask questions. She loves both her grandparents, and we are not sure if we tell her what really happened how it would effect her.

Any advice you can give would be great.

Thank you
 
Riptide. That is a question, quite frankly, that I do not know how to answer. I think there is a risk in telling her because it might destroy her trust of all adults or blame the two of you for lying to keep her away from them. On the other hand, as a parent myself, I would never leave my daughter with someone like that. Fortunately my daughter did not find out about my past until I was 60 (64 now) and she was 24.

I think that Ken Singer here might be able to offer some suggestions to you. PM him if you like.

If it were me I would probably handle it badly bu I think what I would do is carefully explain to my daughter that nobody and I mean nobody has the right to touch her in sn inappropriate manner and that if anyone tried to she should tell. Then I might ease into a conversation about people who do bad things to other people and that I would never want to put her in a situation where that could occur. And that is why you are not comfortable with letting her sleep anywhere without one of you present.

Problem with this is if she finds out she will see you both as witholding the truth. Damn I hope others here have suggestions for you.
 
Riptide, I would speak with your wife's mother. I would tell her to never ask for your daughter to sleep over or be with them without you or your wife present. Tell her bluntly what your concerns are, and tell her that asking for sleepovers and time alone with her puts you in a very difficult and uncomfortable position. Make it very clear that it will never happen and that if she continues to ask, the consequence will be that you will tell your daughter the reasons why she is not being allowed.

If your daughter has to be told, I think that a satisfactory answer can be given without going into specific details. Children can also be told the truth about the age appropriateness of information. I know that on several occasions I have told my children that they aren't old enough to understand or appreciate the answers to some of their questions. I tell them that in a few years I will be happy to tell them. They are usually satisfied with that, as they trust us to protect and know what is best for them.
You folks sound like wonderful, caring parents.
Your daughter is very lucky. God bless you both.
Peace, Andrew
 
My wife and two of her sisters were SA by her dad. But the youngest one wasn't. My wife has a weirdly friendly relationship with her parents that I can't understand and wouldn't have myself, but it's how she deals with it. When that last sister was left as the only child remaining in the house though, my wife took control. She and the two sisters called the police. Her dad was arrested, fined, and forced to go to therapy. (Not long enough in therapy and I would have sent him to jail myself, but I guess he did seem to benefit slightly.)

My wife's youngest sister then moved in with us for a time. We didn't hide anything from her, but like Mike said, we didn't go into a whole lot of details either. That was a sad situation, because she eventually had to move back in with her parents and lived in her bedroom with a padlock on the inside so she could feel safe. She was never SA, but she definitely suffered and still has as many problems as the sisters that were SA.

I am really impressed by your determination to protect your daughter. I don't understand people like your wife and mine that seem to be able to deal with abusers in a relatively normal way, but my wife is doing well, so it must work for some. If it came to my daughter, though, I'm with you. The kid gets protected at all costs.

Long-winded with really no answer. The only thought I have is that the damage has been done already, and better for your daughter to trust her parents implicitly than to join any family in living a lie. Ten-year-olds know more than we care to give them credit for sometimes. Better for her to have some information that will keep her safe than no information at all.

I agree with the others. You sound like excellent parents. Too bad you're having to do this under such difficult circumstances. Hang in there.
 
I cannot answer this for you. But for myself, I would trust in the capacity of your daughter to understand the facts of life and tell her the truth. If she is to be subjected to the company of abusers, she should be forewarned of the danger.

I think of how much of our suffering was caused because we did not know who to trust and who not to trust. How many of us would be free of this pain if we had only known?

They told you not to tell when you were a child being abused. They were liars, protecting themselves. Now you are an adult and can stop the abuse by telling the truth.

Aden
 
Thank you everyone who has replied and the PM's as well.


It is a very difficult question and tough to be in a situation.


My wife and I discussed it and Andrew's advice sounds the best for our situation. We are going to talk to her mom and explain how we feel and never to ask us to put us in that situation to have to tell our daughter.


As far as my own abuse, my daughter does not even know she has a step-grandfather who was my abuser who is still alive.

Luckily majority of my family support myself and have nothing to do with my abuser, save a few like my grandmother who still married to him.

So for now I am so glad I dont have to tell her anything.

We also have taught my daughter, well my wife did most of the talking about if anyone ever touches or makes you feel uncomfortable tell us right away.
 
I know that I am late in responding to this, and I am glad that you got such good advice that you feel will help you. Good luck to you, your wife, and your daughter.

Leosha
 
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