Need Help (possible triggers)

Need Help (possible triggers)
H

Heads Up

Registrant
Hi everyone. I need some help. I believe its high time that I go to a therapist. I'm 27 years old, married, and never fully dealt with my SA. It affects to the point where I don't think that I'm "enough" sexually for my wife. Even though she thinks I'm great (she knows about my SA). We've been married for a year and while we're supposed to be going at it like rabbits, I'm holding back out of fear.

My abuse started when I was around 6 years old, from an older neighborhood guy. It continued until I was 11 or so. Even though he wasn't that much older than me he was very much WAY more mature than me. And there's so much with which I have to come to grips. I have hated the fact that it felt like I enjoyed it. And let it happen for 5 or so years. It has nearly crippled my ability to have friendships with another male. And even in my adulthood, there have been times when I thought that a guy wanted to be friends and he wanted to be "more than friends." That has happened to me on a couple of occasions. And for some reason, I feel that my SA is linked to a behavior that contributes to this.

Okay--so I've come to grips with the fact that I need therapy. But I'm nervous. How can I get the courage to tell a stranger my innermost darkest secrets.
 
Hello, friend,

I'll say this, that recognizing that the old means of dealing with life don't work any more and that you have to find new ways to conquer this is a pivitol moment in your life. I know it was in mine. I was SA by an older brother, so a lot of what you related above rings familiar to me. I'm 44 now, and began confronting all this 15 months ago. I've been to 3 different therapists. The first one for 2 weeks (she was really just for a referral), the second one for 5 months, and the third one for 6 months.

But to answer your question of "how can I get the courage to tell a stranger my innermost darkest secrets?" - I will say this bluntly, that it is excruciatingly difficult, at least it was for me. I walked into their offices carrying a world of shame, guilt, and esteem issues with me. How in the world can you tell someone about this? I found it best to just take it slowly and methodically, and talking about it as though I was talking about someone else, i.e., "these things happened to this person." While I still spoke in the first person voice ("I"), my thought processes were to detach away from myself as a child so that I didn't just totally destroy myself there. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. I was sobbing a lot of the time. I remember thinking when I left that "I'm paying money for this??? To have my emotions eviscerated from me like this???" But it's worth it. It releases the truth within you, and that's something that's been hidden a long time.
 
HB,

Welcome to MS. Amazing, yes, that you have so many men who know exactly what you're going through.

Well, this is the place and while we're sad that you had to go looking for a place like this, we're happy that you've joined us.

Telling it like it is, is no easy proposition. Some of us still have difficulty with that after months of therapy. We call it the onion effect. You know, pealing down one layer after another. It can take some weeks before feeling comfortable in sharing what happened to us.

I would recommend finding someone who has experience with men who were abused as boys. We have a fairly good network here that you can tap into. Get a hold of Ken Singer and ask him if he can refer you to someone in your area. Ken belongs to several professional organizations and he has collegues all over the world.

When you find the right person, a therapist with whom you find a rapport, you won't have as much difficulty as you may think, to tell them your story and to get the help that you need.

Good luck, and post more so that you can get to know us, and we can get to know you.

David
 
I'd just second what David said. Find someone with experience working with adult survivors of CSA.

I got in touch with a therapist through a referral from another therapist who was farther away than I could travel. It worked well.

Then you'll move forward at your own pace with the therapist. It will take some time, but you'll get it all out.

Take care.
 
First thing is to do some homework on therapists and have a set of interview questions to help you filter through them and gain a basic level of comfort. Since I knew they would ask about my life history as a standard beginning, I rehearsed my life history in my head. It help gain a sense of control for the first two sessions. I also thought about areas that were more comfortable to talk about before fully trusting my therapist. This probably is not the best way but it helped me gain a sense of control of my therapy especially since I would speak with a total stranger. While I continue to hate attending my therapy sessions ... I force myself because I know in the long run I will be healthier for it.
 
Okay...this may seem very crazy. But, how do I get in contact with Ken Singer. I really believe that I need to talk to someone. I've come this far without help, but I feel like I can't go any further without it. I've overcome the suicide thoughts, feeling of worthlessness. But a part of me still feels ashamed. As I'm writing this, I'm at the point of tears, because I just need someone to help me to understand what happened, why it happened, and how I can grow from the situation.
 
Damn! Why did it have to happen to me? I was a good child, brought up in a Christian home, made good grades, and was obedient. I feel like my whole like is f'ed up, because of this freak and his obscene desires. Can someone please tell me, how to go on? I can't just forget about it. But I need "closure", if there is such a thing. My parent's won't believe me if I told them anyway.

Oh, God. Sorry for the vent. My apologies.
 
Try clicking on "The About us" link at the top. Select Board of Directors. Ken is listed as one of the board of directors. For some reason I couldn't acces his link but scrolled down to where his bio is and was able to click on the link near his bio. I have outlook open so it opened up an e-mail to send to him. If outlook isn't open try just placing your mouse over the link and notice what it says in the toolbar. There might be an easier way but this is one way.
 
Figured out another way ... click on the directory link which is on the first page of the MS Dicssion Board (its right below the title). Then do a search for Singer (last name). It should come up. Click on his name and you should be able to PM him.
 
Heads Up - as your username suggests try to keep your head up.

I can recall my recent joining of this site and I'm sure it's a very emotional time for you also; acknowledging or realising how this has affected you is a big slap in the face. Im married too and upset that this also affects so many areas of my life.

Im coming to see that many if not most guys here end up choosing to see a therapist. It seems to be good and work for them. Im not doing so at present, mainly as I havent found anybody suitable yet. Im in Australia and it truly is the other side of the world in respect to things like this.

What I can thoroughly endorse is for you to keep on posting as youve begun. It will certainly help until you get to see a therapist and even then the guys I know still post in addition to seeing their T. Your vent is also ok, allowed and even encouraged. Where else can you/we go to express what we feel? You will be understood, loved and accepted here. No doubt about it.

You touched on several points that oh so relate to me as well. I have zero male friends for the same reasons as you. Its out of fear and threat and that they may also abuse me. Silly in one respect but understandable considering our pasts. Its stuff like this that helps, Head Up. We all get to share our stuff, encourage each other by no longer feeling alone and get encouragement by knowing that we are not the only person feeling stuff. I dont say that to invalidate what you are feeling. Quite the contrary. Theres comfort in knowing youre not super crazy and the only one affected in such and such a way.

Stick around; be gentle on yourself and thankyou for being here with us. Welcome!
 
Hey, Grunty, you, too, can try Ken Singer to see if he has any contacts down under.
I know one guy, a therapist, who works in NZ. I'll send you his email via PM for you to see if he has a network that reaches to Perth. OK?
Thanks for your encouraging words here, you're demonstrating what you were describing.

David
 
Hey Heads Up,

Good luck in finding a therapist (T). Keep at it. I started about a year ago, saw my T today. It is scary at first, but soon you are talking and it gets better. You don't have to suffer under the weight of dark secrets. The most important thing I try to remember is that it wasn't my fault. I never asked for it, and neither did you. When the shame crumbles away, you should feel better. We were innocent kids, and somebody took advantage of us. Not your fault. Good luck finding a T, and I hope your is as great as mine. Hang in there.
 
Welcome Heads Up.

If I may add another method of searching for a therapist, you could try an internet search with keywords such as sexual abuse, your city, therapy, and maybe go from there with the search results. That was the way that I found the Men's Project in Ottawa and this very site too.

Noone should have to be here, but take comfort in the fact that there is a place here where you will be heard and understood and supported. You are no longer alone.

MR
 
From my experience (I have been in and out of therapy my whole life), there is a monumental difference in dealing with a general therapist and dealing with one specializing in trauma and childhood sexual abuse (CSA). If anyone in the Tampa, FL needs one, Wendy Kauflin is great. When the memories started to come back, I saw a guy who was close by and seemed to have good credentials. However, he seemed to be as much at a loss as to how to treat me as I was how to recover. A friend suggested his own therapist who was a woman. I had serious doubts about going to see a woman but one hour with her made me realize that I needed someone who was trained in trauma therapy. BTW, I met this friend through SNAP, Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests. Regardless of who your perp was, your local SNAP group should have some well qualified and pre-tested therapists that you could use. Good luck.
 
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