Need help please

I am just coming to terms with the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my cousin years ago. I have a wonderful g/f but over the past few months launch into rages that bring me close to and at times all the way to abusing her. I have stopped that behavior but cannot seem to drum up the anger at my abuser that some people here have. Does that mean that I liked what happened? Just need advice. Thanks

Brian B14


Welcome to NOMSV!! I'm glad you found us. What you are feeling is very common to survivors.

One of the reasons that you are not angry at your abuser "could be" that you blame yourself for what happened. Guilt and shame do crazy things to the mind. Because we are "men", we tend to think that we should have been able to stop the abuse. Most all of us forget that we were just small young boys when it happened to us (and even if it continued on until we got older, we still dealt with it through the mind of a child). Stephen_5 posted a poem last week called "Cleaning Out The Attic". I recommend that you read it. It talks about this very issue.

I hope you come here to vent your anger and frustration. We will listen to you and help you understand. Please try to be kind to your girlfriend. Most (if not all) of us have relationship problems at one level or another.

You may also want to think about talking to a therapist if you haven't already (Thats a nice way of saying "DO IT NOW!!!"). This stuff will eat away at you if you don't take care of it. I waited 26 years, 26 long, painful, angry, shameful and lonely years. If you are like all of us (and you probably are) you will need someone to guide you through this shit.

Again, welcome and remember that you are not alone.




Welcome, good question!! I like your style already dude.

I read what you wrote and it took me back like 25 years or so ago when i was a total basket case and i was seeing this physichiatrist, he tells me one day that i need to let myself get mad at my stepdad for abusing me, i remember hearing him say the words and looking at him totally dumbfounded, i recall just staring at him and saying *huh?*

It like made absolutely no sense to me at all, none. I took in what he said and it was not until years later that i even started to get glimpses of how much i had been hurt, i eventually got to the anger, but for me it was a long slow journey. The anger was brewing inside of me the whole time and i know it popped its head up from time to time,that might be whats going on with you and your girlfriend, i know for me i have always had a much easier time getting angry at the people closest to me, somehow it is safer or something.

And as far as the abuse goes, there were a lot of parts of it that i liked, i mean face it, it felt good, there were also a lot of parts of it i did not like, i mean face it, it hurt bad at times. The point is that whether you liked it or not has nothing to do with anything, if any of us had adult brains and the knowledge to understand the damage that was being done to our brains and beings we would have run screaming for help to anyone and everyone around, the reality is we were trusting kids that were doing what we had been taught, to obey our parents, to be good little boys, ah yes, we were taken advantage of weren't we?

As far as advice, a therapist is always a good idea, face it, what happened was a trauma, and it needs to be sorted out and gone through, well, for me anyways.

I wish you the best, i hope your comfy here and you stick around some, ok?


You very will may have a lot of pent up anger at your abuser you don't relize it...The rage you feel sometimes at your girl friend is coming from somewhere, and my guess is anger you really have towards your abuser..I had/have much pent up anger against my abuser which I took out on myself, by hating myself and falling into deep depression..After 10 years of this my world started to fall apart around me and that is what finally pushed me into therapy and antidepressants...
Everyone here is a great help and your not alone...Many of the feelings I felt, I thought I was the only one in the world and it was my problem alone...

[ 08-09-2001: Message edited by: Mark I ]