Need Help From Palestine

[SAR]

Some of the posts regarding identity and appropriate ways to deal with concerns about another poster have been split from this thread and moved to the Unmoderated forum.

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[WalkingSouth]

but to me its the public side that is like throwing a life preserver to someone who is drowning.

Well said, Adam!

 

[Palestine]

Hello guys,
Thank you all who stood by me and also sent me private messages. I am glad to hear from you.

I am not leaving this forum, and I will stay and keep posting. It is the only place I have.

Again, thank you all

 

[Elad 12]

I want to give a sincere welcome to Palestine for having the courage to come here seeking some help and advise.
I welcome also tom older for the same reasons. I appreciate what Nobby, John and Adam have posted prior to this post. This is a place to heal, not a place to attack other members.

Dale

 

[Palestine]

Hello guys, I would like to get back to the subject. And I am amazed how many people feel like me.

I did read many posts here in the forum, and since I dont go to therapy, I was able at lease to explain my feelings. It is all about shame and guilt. If you dont mind guys I would like to put them in points, so it will be even clearer to me.

Shame:
1. I was ashamed telling people, friends or family about my past because I was scared of being called used as people do here.
2. I was ashamed telling my girlfriend about my past because I was scared of not feeling like a man anymore. Or as I think I was scared she may not see me as a man anymore.
3. I was ashamed of not seeking help when I was in the States by attending groups, or a therapist, in other words, I was ashamed of facing people.

Guilt:
1. I always felt guilt for not stopping my abusers, and I still do. Maybe I dont feel guilt not stopping my brother because he was my older brother and I was so young. But definitely I feel guilt not stopping the other guys.
2. I feel guilt not being strong enough to tell someone about it, because now I see how much it helps.
3. I feel guilt about what did since the last abuse, and lying to my girlfriend who I lost for lies.

Here I want to point on something very important and I dont know if this has to do anything with the abuse. I never show my feelings to people. I never cry on front of people, I didnt even cry when my father passed away. I always showed people how strong I am. My family, friends and even my girlfriend always said how a strong personality I have. I dont know if the reason behind that the weak person inside me who I wanted to hide or what? The only person I cried on front of was my girlfriend because I was more open to her than anyone, but still didnt tell her the truth and refused her help. What is my point here is that having a personality like this didnt help me at all. It made me live two lives and have to faces.

Now, I know exactly what I feel after years of running away from it. How to heal is the hardest way. I really dont know how. Today I was driving with my brother, and I almost hit the car. And his respond to me was This car worth 0000 dollars if you destroy it, how you will pay for it? Even F** you will not worth this much I didnt know what to say. He might be joking about it, but it wasnt a good jock especially from someone who tried to do it to me before. I would like to know how to heal. How to face it.

Thanks you all guys for listening to me, and sorry for making it this long.

 

[shadowkid]

well i'd stop riding around with someone who tried to or did abuse me,seems like a good start, if he asks why tell him . hope that dont sound like a smart ass suggestion ,wasnt meant to be .

 

[Palestine]

Hey Shadowkid,

Well, it sounds like a good suggestion, but to stop riding a car with him is almost impossible since we share the same car, and we drive each other to work everyday. And telling him the reason and facing him about the truth and what he did is the hardest to do.

What is amazing me the most is how people forget what good you do in your life. I asked my ex to post here and try to help me get over my past. And her respond was no, because she moved on in her life. We just split couple months ago. I didnt even forget the way we were drinking coffee together. I am happy for her that she moved on with her life, and that is making me feel better knowing that she forgave me. But, what about me needing and asking for help now. This is the first time I ever asked people for help. I was always supportive to all the people around me. I supported my family financially and still do for over 8 years now. I put my life on the side for them and I see nothing back. My ex and her brother were always fighting, and I was always there to help them both get over it. I was always there for anyone who needed help on their lives. Why I am alone now? Is it too much what am asking for? I just asked her to post here nothing more. My heart is telling me to be happy for her, but my mind is killing. I ask myself if I was in her position, what would I do? And I answer that I will be there to help her if that what she needs. I never asked for anything from people, and now when I ask, I get nothing than best wishes.