Need Help From Palestine

Need Help From Palestine
P

Palestine

Registrant
Hello all,

I have been thinking about posting my story here for a while already, and finally I decided to post and say what I never told anyone about. I thought my past will never affect me since it happened long time ago, but I really feel the need now to talk, maybe I will be able to get support from you, or I may be able to get some answers.

I am 26 years old now, I am Arab Palestinian. I was born and raised in Palestine for twenty years. I dont remember all the details about what happened to me and when, but there are few scenes I still carry in my memory, and I even see it in my dreams.

I was sexually assaulted by 5 different men between the age 12 and 17. The first to assault me was my brother. He is 8 years older than I am. I dont know who did that happened, all I remember that I was laying on the catch and my brother next me and covered. My brother took his pants down, also I dont know how, and he was touching me, and at the same time, he held my hand and made me touch him. I have no idea how did it end, or even how did it start. It only happened once.

The second was my dad friend and work partner. They had an office right next to our house, and I used to spend a lot of time there. One day he grabbed me from behind, and he started rubbing his body with mine. It lasted for a while, and then I left home. Since that happened I never showed up at the office when he was there.

The third time, was my dad best friend Another one. He was a family friend at the same time. It happened when he took me for a ride which was usual. And I asked him if I can drive. So he put me in his lab, and he put his hand inside my underpants from behind. He kept driving for a long time as I remember. Another time he took me for a ride, and I dont know why I said yes, but I did. And he parked in an area, and he took his out, and he asked me to touch him. What is amazing, that I asked him for 100 dollars? I was about 15 maybe at that time, and 100dollars is a lot of money. He said yes, and he gave me the money, I told him to find another place, and when we got into traffic area, I left the car with the money and walked home. Then he talked to my older brother about the 100 dollars I dont know what he told him so I gave it back to him. Then nothing happened because his son died in an accident at that time.

In the summer of that year, I worked at a small grocery store next to my home, and my brother friend and our neighbor was the owner. I dont remember much about that incident other than I was in his home which is in the same building, sitting and watching porn movie, he took his pants down and was touching me and he took my cloth off. But no intercourse happened. During all what happened I was just watching the movie. Then I quit.

Finally, when I was 17 or late 17 in summers, I was working with my dad, and I dont know what is that business called, he takes rocks of the mountains. I had to sleep 6 days a week at the work location because I wasnt driving and was so far from home. So I was sleeping with the guy who was about 21 years old at that time who works as a night security guy. He got closer to me, and assaulted me, I dont know what happened exactly, but we may intercourse because he tried, but I am not sure if it was successful.

That is my story with sexual assault. The question is do I blame myself? Yes, I do. If it happened once I wouldnt blame myself that I didnt stop it. But to happen five times, and I say nothing is disgusting to me. I never did anything; all I was doing is nothing, just nothing. When I turned 20, I moved to the states, I met a non Arab woman, fall in love and got married. `I was mean to her, or I can say mean is not even enough. I called her names, I didnt trust her, I kept asking about her past, I called her a liar, and cheater and I even pushed her. When we were close to split once, I wrote her a letter that I was assaulted and left to a hotel. She was supportive, and decided to stick by me and help me. But I can say that I was so closed to myself, and couldnt open to her about the truth. Also, I have to be honest, during my stay in the US, I took student loans using a relative information as a cosigner for me without my relative or my wife knowledge. When the police discovered that few months ago, I was arrested for couple days, and when I left the jail, she decided to split. Then I ran away back to my country where I live now.

I can say that I am lost. And I am being honest with myself know, and I admit that I am lost. I cant take designs any more; I dont know what right and what wrong. I dont know what I should do in my life. I dont even know if my life story is connected to my sexual assault. I am now in Palestine where there are no groups of sexual assaulted people to attend, or even sociologist. I thought about committing suicide, and it still come to me every now and then, but I think I dont have the guts to do it. I cant even chose a religion, I was raised Muslim, and I am even thinking about converting to Christianity.

I am lost and I need help, I am so tired.
 
no it is not your fault,you went though trama as a child(yes at 12 you are a child)please keep coming back and read.One day at a time..Your are brave,yes a warrior,not by might, but by your Kindness

Julian
 
Palestine, welcome to our group. I am glad you are here even as I weep for the reason that brought you here. Thank you for sharing your story. It was a very brave thing for you to do.

My advice is to slow down. You have come to the right place for help, but it is very confusing for you. Take your time and read some of the stories here, and learn what other men are going through. I think you will find that we are all struggling with issues similar to yours.

Take care,

Nobby
 
Hello Palestine, I'm glad you found this place, it WILL help you find answers about yourself.

I want you to please consider the fact that we humans tend to "freeze" when we're being sexually taken advantage of. What do I mean by that? Well, in MY case, for instance, I was SURPRISED and FLOODED and OVERLOADED with thoughts, feelings, arousal, emotions, confusion. The sudden and unexpected things that happened to me made me just stop thinking, hence, I did nothing. Do I feel bad about that? No. I was being manipulated and taken advantage of by someone that was: Older, more experienced, more powerful, and just plain in control of the situation.

Even a 17 year old, on the verge of becoming a man can easily be manipulated by someone that is not much older than him. It's all about the difference in power between the perpetrator and the victim. Go easy on yourself ok?
 
Palestine,

Welcome to MS

I am so glad that you found this place (of course I am sorry that you or any of us has the need of a place like this)

I hope that you will find much help and support here

it is sad that the country you are in has no support for people who were abused (even here where I am there is very little support sadly)

Please don't hurt yourself - to do so is to give the people that hurt us one final victory (I refuse to give my abusers that - I am gonna be around for a long long time - and I can only hope that they are forced to think often of the things they done to me - and i hope they hang their heads in shame)

Don't be hard on yourself for not stopping it - it is so easy to look back with an adult mind and be hard on the kid that we where - please... - think back to when you where 12 - the first time that it happened - I am sure you was scared and confused - you did not understand what was happening or why it was happening... (just kinda froze up I'm guessing) - it is very much true for many many of us here that no matter how many times we where abused our minds always go back to that first time - we kind of freeze up inside - there is nothing that we could do to stop it - nothing... - please don't be hard on the kid that you where... - you did the best you could at the time - please don't look back with an adult mind on what you did as a kid and be hard on yourself...

Religion is a hard thing for many of us survivors - I struggle too - and I am a believer (I guess)(there has to be a God - there is just simply so much in the world that science cannot even begin to understand)

I really hope that you will find much help and support here

TJ jeff
 
I am amazed how fast I am getting reply from you guys, Thank you

I dont know what to say, I told my story, but the hardest is to come. What happened to me was about ten years ago, and it is getting harder than before. For the past years I been living in denial, and I was always convincing myself I could forget about it. But what I am facing now is everyday it is getting worst and destroying my life more. I am putting it as an excuse of every thing bad I do. I feel that I lost the chance of getting over it, I had the chance in the US when I had someone to tell, and when I had the opportunity to contact a therapist. Now I am in Palestine, living in the same house, and meeting the same people who did that to me almost everyday, and I cant say or do anything.

I seriously have no idea what to say, and I dont know what is the next step in my life should be. I thought about moving to another country, and try to start again, but I am scared. I was strong before, I believed in myself, but since I came back to Palestine I feel lost and powerless. I always had dreams about the future, and now I cant even dream.
 
I dont know if this will help and I am not giving them an excuse.....but for now look at them as sick people(which they are)and they need to be dealt with in a professional way...keep a safe distance...hopefully you can find someone you can be safe with...

we are all with you

Julian
 
Palestine,

telling our story is a very tough thing to do - it takes great courage to talk about things we've kept inside for so long

Many of us here stuggle in life - it is a normal thing of a suvivor I guess - the good thing (that I hope you will stick around to see) is that people here can talk things out - come to a understanding of thier pasts (and how it often effects our decissions in life today)- and they often do move on to better things in life

One word of caution though... - don't try to push yourself too hard - to fast - take it slow... - trying to make fast changes often is very overwhelming - just keep taking slow steady steps forward... - you will get to where you want to be in life - just takes time and patience...

I really do hope that through talking to us here that you will find the strength to do the things that will bring good into your life - it can get better - honest it can - talk things out here with us as you are ready to...

TJ jeff
 
Palestine, it is hard to write stuff like that, but you must not blame yourself for any of it.
Your brother made you vulnerable for others to come and prey on you.

Take it slowly,

ste
 
Hi Palestine,

I think you've probably discovered by now that you've found your brothers here. You will be understood and cared about. You can ask questions and find answers.

Of course it would be best if you could find a therapist to work with, but it is understandable because of your location that such a thing is next to impossible.

Stay in contact, My Friend. We'll do what we can to be your support network.

Lots of love,

John
 
You say "Then I ran away back to my country where I live now."

I'm sorry, I have never ever in my life heard a Palestinian say I went back to "my country". As every Palestinian knows, they don't have a country. That is their tragedy.
 
Palestine,

I have read all of the responses to your post. The one thing that sticks out most to me, is to take it slow. Take it from those of us who have been there. Once we decided to deal with this, many of us tried to "fix" everything all at once. It doesn't work that way.

Pioritize the needs in your life. Are you safe? Can you get the help you need there? If not, where can you go to get the help you need?

Palestine, there are many books out there that are full of good information. The guys here can give you titles to many of these. The ones that helped me when I first came here are: Victims No Longer by Mike Lew, and Abused Boys by Mic Hunter.

Good luck. Stay safe, and remember, you are not alone. utilize this site and the guys' help here.
 
Racism takes many forms. In the UK, where I live, anti-Muslim, anti-Palestinian hysteria is at an all-time high. For a Muslim, let alone a Palestinian, it is a racism equivalent to anti-Jewish racism of the Thirties. Slurs against peoples are spread in sometimes subtle, sometimes not so subtle ways.
My story. I am 62 years of age. I was raped by a stranger who overcame me in a lonely place when I was 12. My parents did not get to find out. My perpetrator got away.
I have had three breakdowns in my life. Two happened in the years after, about 13 years ago, I was mugged in the city where I live. I got flashbacks, when I was knocked to the ground and kicked, of what happened to me when I was a child. As I lay helpless on the ground it was as if suddenly it was 1957 again, and I was about to be killed.
I got therapy then, after all those years, from an abuse clinic. I got help from a wonderful internet group in the UK called Survivors Swindon, to where I turned in desperation. I got help from the support of my wife, without whom I would not be here. Last Saturday we celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. We have two children of whom I am very proud.
And I got help, finally, most of all from doing painstaking inner child work. It took at least two years, and I have come to a place I never expected to reach. It is called something like contentment. In my first post earlier today I said I don't know what forgiveness is. Well, that's not true. I do. But it's not about forgiving your perpetrator. It's about forgiving yourself, you who have done nothing wrong. If that sounds daft, I'm sorry, but I know it to be true for me.
I just registered with this site yesterday because I felt like reading some fellow-survivor posts, and I had googled male survivor forums. I didn't know about the organisation before.
I think what you are doing here is terrific, and I feel such love and fellow feeling for people who post here. I can see that there are regulars who are thriving and dealing out love and help. I can see others like Shadowkid whose hurt speaks to my heart. Shadowkid, you can win through. I know of people in that Survivors Swindon site I was in who were abused all their childhood, who have managed to come to a better place. But when you write about how you were used to be photographed as a child, and the heat of the cameras, your truth and anger speaks out, I feel like crying. As they say in some survivor forums, "safe hugs" man, is what I send you across these forums. How I wish you some better times, as I wish all my fellow-survivors here.
Just one thing, and I hope it is not out of place. The most important thing for me like any survivor, is to feel safe especially when talking about my own abuse and other people's abuse. I have to say that these forums are very public, anyone can wander on to them it seems though no doubt if they make obvious flame or derogatory things then they will be erased. But I'm just not sure I feel totally safe here, so I don't know that I will be back, though there are survivors here I can see whose truth and goodheart and suffering comes over as it must come over. Only we who have been abused know what like it is to be abused. And it shows, it shows in the detail of our knowledge and feeling.
Anyway, I say no more. My love to everyone here who has been like myself a victim of abuse and rape. We must support one another, and no-one must ever be allowed to use a place like this, the sacred place of survivors, to pursue another agenda.

love

Tom Older
 
Hello guys,
I would like to thank you all for the support; I am so glad to find people who care and understand.

Most of you suggested that I must take it slowly, but this is a hard thing to do. Personally, I am a person who thinks so much, and one of those things that I am 26 years old. I need to be able to manage and plan my life so I will be able to have a better life than the one I have now. I know it is my fault that I waited so long to deal with my past, and most of you know the reason. It is hard to take things easy and slow while seeing those people around everyday. But I promises I will try.

Personally, I decided to take a first step of healing by fixing other mistakes I made. I hurt so many people in my life. And my Ex-Girlfriend was the most who got hurt by me. I did contact her, and invited her to join this room, so maybe she will be able to understand my past. I hope she will join.

My biggest fear now is facing my future. For the past few months, so many things changed in my life to worst. I always dreamed about having a baby of my own, and now I dont. I just dont want to have kids and this is something killing me inside. I dont know what the reason of this change is. I have a nephew who I loved so much, and even had his name tattooed. I just cant stand him anymore, neither him or his brothers or sisters. I always loved kids, even the ones I dont know, just now, I dont. And I dont know why. What is the reason, and why? I need an answer. This is not me anymore.

I want to heal, and I think I am taking the right steps, finally I am talking about my past and it helped me, but now, as I talk about it, and get deep inside my past, I see my future changing. I feel like two people lives inside me. One is happy, and the other is sad, one is quiet and funny, and the other is angry and mad.
 
Hey,
I do currently live in Palestine, and for those who doesnt know where is it, it is a small occupied country in the Middle East. It is the country that contains Jerusalem and Bethlehem.

Also, I would like to make It clear about converting to Christianity, This is a personal believe. I am not offending any religion in anyway. And when I said I am thinking about converting to Christianity, I wanted to show how confused I am about making designs.
 
Tom - your concerns should be taken up with a moderator, not here on the board.

Palestine - Welcome to MS, and I hope you find healing here.
 
Sorry Eddie, I'm new and don't know the niceties. But I have sent an email to the moderators from my email address.

I suppose the situation with people like yourselves is that if somebody claims to be abused you just take them on trust and reply to what they say with the best advice for what is reported. I just happen to be very, very upset - my inner child, that is, whom I must protect at all costs - with what is going on this thread. I'd better hightail out of this place as I can't see the situation being dealt with properly. And the health of my inner child is more important than anything in the world to me.
 
please don't edit my posts without at least informing me that you are doing it. I stand by what I said.
 
Tom,

I see you have your private messages turned off so I'll say what I need to say here.

First of all, Welcome. I truly hope you find what you are searching for here. You'll find support and caring here, but you'll also find that we defend our own, and rightly so. We do our best not to make judgments regarding the validity of another members claims, but leave any concerns up to the moderating team.

You have chosen to attack one of the other new men because you seem to believe they are lying about their situation. That is not acceptable behavior. If you have concerns about a poster, take it up with one of the moderators. You can find a list of them at the top of the every forum main page. This is a place where we take kindness, caring, and acceptance seriously and leave the kind of things you've brought up to the folk that run this place.

You made the statement that this forum is too public and intimated that it's not safe to do so. Many men choose to share their deepest hurts and concerns on the non-public side, but there are reasons why there is a public side which I won't elaborate on at this point.

Having said all that, again, please find yourself welcome here. Talk about the things you have on your heart as long as they are not denegrating of others, or in violation of posting rules (you'll find a list of them somewhere here). You'll find advise, concern, compassion, caring, and even love here. I'm sure you will also be able to reach out in support of others.

Take care, My Friend.

Lots of love,

John
 
i choose to post on the public side because part of healing for me is not being ashamed of what happened ,the public side is where all new members come first,and if by exposing myself to a possible predator is a risk its one i'll take to be here for the new guys . the members forum is a very good thing ,but we have spent years hiding from the public what abuse did to us ,i dont care who reads my posts because i am no longer ashamed of what i need to say here.the members side is like a place where you can talk quietly among friends ,the public side is like shouting it from the rooftops ,the members side is for me ,the public side is for everybody , how can i help a new survivor if i hide in a place where he cant find me?i think thats the biggest thing about this site yeah its for guys who have been here for a long time ,but to me its the public side that is like throwing a life preserver to someone who is drowning. adam
 
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