Need help from my friends

Last night was the worse night of my life. I need some help from all of you. It;ll be a long story I think.

I had the kids yesterday afternoon, had a great time. After I brought them home I did some things and then went to get beer. I was paying and talking with the cashier, just bullshitting, you know. There;s a resturant next door and who do I see getting out of a car and going to the resturant but Kimmie. She was with this guy and she;s all dressed up, black dress, heels, looking real nice, talking with this guy. It felt like it took an hour for them to get to the door but it only took a minute or less.

I know guys here write about how they don;t feel like a man. We push our women away and become strangers to them. I posted my story and I talked about this alot, that it;s wrong to push your wife away, she;s your friend, let her help, but I didn;t do that. I pushed her away and how it serves me right. I started to get my shit together and saw all the bad thigns I did and I want her bck. The divorce isn;t final yet so I keep hoping that we can make it.

NOTHING WILL MAKE YOUR BALLS SHRIVEL UP WORSE THAN SEEING YOUR LADY WITH ANOTHER GUY. IT;S LIKE BEING PUNCHED IN THE GUT AND HAVING THE WIND KNOCKED OUT OF YOU. I felt real shitty when I started to see all of the bad things I did to her but this is the worse I ever felt but I guess I deserve it, it serves me right after all I did to her. didn;t really think it would happen is all, I guess. I sound pitiful. I;m disgusted with myself but I don;t want to change what I wrote.

Like I said before, I drank and did drugs when I started to remember my abuse and then I started sleeping around for alot of different reasons. It got to be too much for Kimmie and she left. She came back instead and kicked me out, changed the locks. By the time I started to get my shit together it was too late, she wouldn;t talk to me except about the kids. I said all this before. I read all these posts saying that the women shouldn;t expct much from us at the beginnign, we don;t have much to give. Bullshit. We;re dealing with some bad stuff but they have problems too that they have to deal with . It;s worse with me, we;re married but i wasn't there for her.I got so caught up in my own problems like they were the worse problems anyone ever had, but at least I had Kimmie, the kids, a job, a roof over my head, food, all that. I was suppose to be there for her, she was there for me but I pushed her away. It;s wrong to say they shouldn;t expect anytinng from us at the beginning. We have to keep living our life and being there for our family. that;s what it means to be a man, otherwise how can you look at yourself in the mirror? I was so caught up in my problem that I pushed Kimmie away and wasn;t there for her and now she;s going to someone else and it;s cause I wasn;t there for her.

there;s a couple guys I want to send this to. I hope it helps some of the guys in the early stages. I drank two of the beers on my way home and had to pull over and throw up on my way home. I spent the night drinking and feeling sorry for myself, help me get past that part.

 

[Brian B14]

Big Bear,

You wrote, "We have to keep living our life and being there for our family. that;s what it means to be a man, otherwise how can you look at yourself in the mirror?"

There in, lies the paradox. If the effects of sexual abuse were such that we all could keep living our lives, none of us would posting on this web site!

Please don't discount this paradox. Yes, we all need to take a long look in the mirror and take responsibility for our part in broken (or damaged) relationships, but it doesn't serve any purpose to beat ourselves up.

I am probably one of the guys that your post was meant for. I hear you and I also feel your pain. I'm sorry you have to go through all this shit. Thank you for your post.

Brian

 

[Just Call me J]

I don't know if I'm one of the people you consider a friend, but the fact is, I've gotten a lot out of posts you've written here (thanks once again for that wake-up call).

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened.

You're words have been a great help to me in the past. You say you've made a lot of mistakes, but wisdom has come through in what you've learned from them.

I hope that Kimmie is able to see the sincerity in the changes you've made.

I wish you nothing but the best. We're all here for you.

J

 

J and Brian, I consider you two my friends and all the other guys here too. After this happened I spent alot of time thinking about my abuse and Wayne and how angry I was and I took a couple steps backwards. I got to feeling really sorry for myself again, which I didn;t like at all.

It helps to talk to people. Some people know about my abuse, some people know about me and Kimmie but not everyone knows the whole story. I opened up to some more people. I talked to my sister alot because it helps to get a womans point of view. We talked ablot about the abuse and what happened the last few years while I tried to deal with it. She asked me what i did to show Kimmie that I;m sincere and want her back. I said that I told her but my sister said what did I really do about it to show her? She thought I should start making some gestures, doing some things just for Kimmie. Just doing those things might make me feel better too and in the past few years I didn;t do much for her while I was remembering the abuse and then screwing everything up. I don;t want to get my hopes up too much but tomorrow I;m buying a do it yourself fountain at the Home Depot to put in Kimmie's garden while she;s at work just as a small gesture that I;m sorry for what I did to her and to show I love her.I know I wasn;t there for her for a long time and it serves me right if she;ll never speak to me again but I gotta try and it;s from the heart. It;s not just that I didn;t meet her needs or do things for her while I was dealing with my own issues, I forgot that she even had needs of her own.

[ August 30, 2001: Message edited by: big bear ]

[ August 30, 2001: Message edited by: big bear ]