need help dealing with myself

this has been bothering me lateley. Two years ago i told my mother that i was gay, she was shocked at first but then told me that it was ok and i was still just the same to her. She also told me that as a child i had been abused sexually. She found out, when at 4 years old, i asked her to go down on me. She told me she brought me into a clinic and they found no signs of sexual abuse..but still offered counseling. Now that i am 17 i have no memory of the act or who did it to me. but i remember the times in the playground that i would ask boys and girls to see there "things". i rememeber the time (i had to be about five) that i found my dads playboys and took one. I have been messed up since i was in kindergarten and it makes me sick. Even now i feel attracted to some of my friends and have been tempted to mess around with their little brothers that are up to four years younger than i am and ive gotten close. I find myself becoming what made me the way i am. it really worries me... i dont want to be this way. i hate myself and i sleep all the time or loll around the house because i dont even want to be around friends that arouse these feelings.
I just really need help. theres a psychiatrist that moved into my neighboorhood that deals with sexual abuseRS
and i want to talk to him...but he knows all my friends and their families and i dont want to tell him...only to have him tell my friends and their families. I just dont know what to do.

Thanks
mike angelo

 

[Just Call me J]

First off, WELCOME!! This place is a good stop on the road to recovery, because you won't find anyone judging you here. We all want the same thing for each other: to be healed.

Second, if you talk to that psychiatrist in your neighborhood AS A PATIENT, there's a wonderful thing called "client confidentiality" that prohibits him from talking to anyone about your case (except maybe other professionals, in order to better treat you). The few exceptions to this are if you discuss a specific plan to harm yourself or someone else, or if there is a court order to subpoena your records. Simply hitting him up in conversation out on your front porch won't do it. You could even ask him ABOUT "confidentiality" in conversation, if you still have questions.

I'm glad that you were able to show self restraint about your feelings with the neighborhood kids. It is encouraging that you recognize it as acting out your own abuse, even if you don't remember. You are protecting yourself, and that, too, is encouraging. I am sure that, as you begin to heal, you'll be able to find better activities than "lolling around the house."

Believe me, I know how frustrating it is to know that you've been abused, but not to have any details to actually deal with.

Have you and your mom ever talked about any of this, in the 2 years since your original talk? I'm sure, at the very least, she would understand if you told her you wanted to see a therapist. Then you won't even have to go into any of this stuff with her, that you don't feel comfortable with yourself.

Continue taking care of yourself, and by all means, keep coming back here!

Good luck!

J

 

[fmighell]

Hi,
If you get erges, you should think first, because of how you deal with your erges now, is going to be with you for a while, entill you make due or understand, then when with what you may like later and having to change.
Cold showers or masterbating, who knows if it is right or wrong, we don't know for sure, but that it is only a temp. fix for now and may last a long while. Maybe a friend your own age and/or sex, can help or someone that knows of, gay for teens, to talk with or just to listen, like over the phone or the computer net. Yes we help with sex abuse issuses, but a counsler can be a more of help to you. I know when I was seventeen, I was doing sex for money, then to drink, and more, it grew to a cycle, and was I getting worse. This site does help with venting, sounding off, and sometimes someone knows how you might feel, because of being there at one time too.
fmighell Anc Ak

 

[michaelb]

i just got out of my third stay in the last 8 months for suicide attempts and am extremely tired and depressed but i saw you post and had to respond to you........i too felt like abusing boys when i was a teenager....i babysat for alot of kids because i was so responsible and "perfect"....i remember when i was 15 and this beautiful little 4 year old boy i babysat named billy came into my room when i had just got out of the shower.....i was sexually aroused by him.....not him at 4, but thinking about him at 20.....he was such a beautiful little boy and since he is now over 30, i'm sure he is a great looking guy....i was so tempted to make him touch me , to force him to lick me and i never knew why.......i've always felt like i was sexually abused and now the flashbacks are making me deal with the abuse by my uncle when i was 2 1/2 to 4......what you are feeling about your friends siblings is "normal", i also had a crush on one of my brother's friends when i was 16....he was 13......the bottom line is though that i did not abuse billy and did not abuse anybody.....YOU CAN BE STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!! just beat-off thinking about things, but please do not abuse anybody else.....we know what torment the abuse has caused us....hell, i've never had sex with anybody else and i'm 42.....do not lay this monster on somebody else's doorstep.....think how much happier you'd be if this did not happen to you....if you truly care about those kids, please do not be sexual with them.....i'm here for you to talk [email protected] fully understand the torment you are feeling........i know the demon........i also know that if i had sex with billy, i would have definitely killed myself by now......i would hate myself even more than i already do..........I WILL TRY TO HELP YOU IF I CAN.........please think about your own sanity......i care about you......michael

 

[fmighell]

I have to watch out for myself when dealing with other people and minors. I know I favor boys more then girls. For me the male body, I can't stop thinking about how fine it is, well yeah, except when a guy cross dress, I can't think of guys being femnum. To me thats being gay. Guys dressing up to actract guys looking for a female.
Guys liking guys is cool.
When I was younger maybe 10 years old,
I like my guys older 15 -18 year old.
I had older men also then.
As I got older when I got to 18, it was sex for money and not for the body, or person. When I did have sex with someone my own age it was much better.
Now as I'm older, I still like younger guys but I'm an adult and can't have sex with a younger guy, like I did before I was of age.
I really am messest up.
fmighell Anc Ak

 

[SoCalJohn]

Mike,

being worried about it is a good sign.

dude, you sound pretty depressed and i can tell your pretty shook up by the feelings your having, seeing someone proffessionally is probably a good idea. i can tell you the sooner you tackle this stuff and get a handle on it the easier it will be for you.

just because you were abused and you got these things planted in your head and you find younger guys attractive does not mean at all that your going to be a child abuser, you have a lot of stuff to sort out for yourself and you ultimately are the one who decides hwo your going to live you life, struggling with the issues is part of the decision making process.

Mike, your gonna be ok, your not alone with this one, it hits a lot of guys and if you see the guy as a patient he has a very serious obligation to maintain confidentiality, he wont risk losing his license to practice by gossiping with anyone about you, trust me on that one. you will get it all sorted out, your young, you got a lot of time ahead of you, just take it easy and keep talking, ok?

John