Need Help Dealing with Dissociation
A Skeptical Optimist
Registrant
I'm among the "lucky" ones who dissociated during my assaults (at age 8), and apparently buried it so deep that I was able to forget it for decades (memory-wise anyway; I still experienced body sensations I didn't recognize, and had hella major issues surrounding masculinity in general, and my sexuality in particular).
As a consequence, most of my childhood memories are fragmented, and there are gaps everywhere.
That is, until I began experiencing flashbacks over the last year.
Therapy has helped me immensely; but like draining any infection, it can sometimes be painful. It was after my last session that I had one of the most intense, horrific flashbacks of being molested - it hit me like a jolt of electricity, almost overwhelming mentally and physically.
It also did something different than the other flashbacks: I'm not CURRENTLY experiencing dissociation around the present (that's unusual for me because lately the dissociation had been a constant presence), but it has made it incredibly difficult for me to connect emotionally with the boy I was.
Whenever I think back to myself as a child, it's normally at a distance, almost like a third-party. I remember the thoughts and feelings I had, but it's almost as though I'm remembering the story of a character I read about, or a TV show I watched long ago.
If I dig deep enough, I can sometimes remember being that boy I was. Unfortunately, that's only included memories of the molestation itself.
For those of you who have gone through this: how do you "merge" your current self with the boy you were?
As a consequence, most of my childhood memories are fragmented, and there are gaps everywhere.
That is, until I began experiencing flashbacks over the last year.
Therapy has helped me immensely; but like draining any infection, it can sometimes be painful. It was after my last session that I had one of the most intense, horrific flashbacks of being molested - it hit me like a jolt of electricity, almost overwhelming mentally and physically.
It also did something different than the other flashbacks: I'm not CURRENTLY experiencing dissociation around the present (that's unusual for me because lately the dissociation had been a constant presence), but it has made it incredibly difficult for me to connect emotionally with the boy I was.
Whenever I think back to myself as a child, it's normally at a distance, almost like a third-party. I remember the thoughts and feelings I had, but it's almost as though I'm remembering the story of a character I read about, or a TV show I watched long ago.
If I dig deep enough, I can sometimes remember being that boy I was. Unfortunately, that's only included memories of the molestation itself.
For those of you who have gone through this: how do you "merge" your current self with the boy you were?