Need Feedback From Married Guys

[vassillios]

Will & Wife,
My wife and I were just married last August. She was the first and only person that I disclosed to. I think I told her before we were even engaged but definitely before we were married.

Anyways, I told her because I trusted her and I knew that it would be good for me to not have to carry this burden around anymore. My wife is my 'go-to' girl. Any time I have a problem, we both have a problem (and vice-versa). If we can't figure it out then we turn to others (via discussion boards or whatnot). I think that really makes for a strong marriage. So my advice to you is (for your own benefit, as well as to your marriage) talk to your wife. Even if she can't understand what you're going through, she will still be on your side and at least play the sympathetic part. Hope this helps. Good luck.

-Dan

 

[roadrunner]

Will,

First of all, your thread here has helped me a lot. It's funny how sometimes a thread here will provoke us to think seriously about an important issue we had not really considered in great detail.

I wanted to share something that just happened today. I came back from Oxford from my appointment with my new T, and my wife asked me how it went and what my T says. At first I felt uncomfortable and I know exactly why: Abuse issues still make me feel ashamed and inadequate as a man. That's a big thing for me because, among other things, I have been almost entirely non-functional sexually for so long. Sometimes I feel such a failure as a partner, lover, companion, friend, soulmate and everything else. So when I talk to her about all this maybe I just feel like it's salt in the wounds.

But today, somehow, I was able to see past that. She's my wife and she loves me; she has stuck with me through all the crap, and when I come through the door she asks how it went because she cares. Why should it be something we can't talk about?

So today we sat down, I made some coffee, and we talked about how my session had gone. It was pretty cool doing this. She was able to point how things that happened today relate to other areas of my life, and when I got to some rather traumatic points she was really supportive.

All of a sudden the obvious hit me on the head (I am susceptible to emotional concussions like this). All my issues affect her as well as me and it is entirely reasonable that she should be a part of my recovery. It's not just that I need HER, although that's true. She also has needs that have to be considered and accommodated. What frustrates me is that I can SEE now that I have been working toward this conclusion for a few months now. But somehow I just DIDN'T put all the pieces together in a practically useful way until today.

I am back with the T on Friday and then she wants to talk about the specific things the abuser did to me and made me do. It's a rough area for me, but it's something I need to get out. I asked my wife today does she want to know all this, and if so I will tell her. I also told her that what I would say would be pretty horrific and would just add details to more general things she already knows. She thought about it and said no, not for the moment, but she thanked me for thinking of her and offering to tell her. Just that fact was really important.

Somehow I feel like this was a breakthrough, or at least it buoyed my spirits today. I see my wife now as my unconditional ally and in the future I plan to keep her in the picture 100%.

Another area of my life where I have been able to break the silence and insist on no more secrets. It's just been since this morning, okay. But wow, I think I'm going to like this!

Much love,
Larry

 

Im newly married (4 months in)

but I will answer none the less

Did you keep your strong feelings from your wife?

I built up slowly, sensing from 1 disclosure what to say next. It toolk about a month to say it all.

Did you keep secrets from her?

Yes and I still do. We discussed this and some things, like exact details of my abuse she doesnt need to know as it will cause her pain.

She knows what happened in basics, but I have never gone into detail.

No one is perfect, Im not and Im guessing neither are you. (Who is here??)

I say to your wife that your still the same man you were, this is a heavy burden and sometimes carrying that massive concrete cross makes us wobble a bit.



Work through it the pair of you, Love is the key, remember that.

 

[Splitting]

Another great thread.

Mike Lew has written, in my humble opinion, the greatest book for male CSA recovery. Victims No Longer. He has an entire chapter, chapter 22 dedicated to those folks in our lives that choose to go through this with us. I think it would be a great resourse for both of you.

I admire the way that you guys are sharing. Having said that, you are going to be facing feelings that you have no clue how to understand. As a child in a healthy environment, we would have been allowed the opportunity t explore these feelings, to label these feelings, to understand these feelings, all in a loving and supporting environment. Well that plan was shot to hell!

Now we get to do it as adults with a world of responsibilities heaped onto our shoulders. You are going to need a place where you can vent and explore these feelings. Not act out. Not become abusive. Not shirk responsibilities. But to yell, scream, cuss, spit, what ever it takes to get the vile out of your body. That place has to be a safe place and a respected place.

It could be a simple journal, but it needs to be private and sacred. The very first thing that we all must learn is how to set boundaries.

Good luck

Danny

 

[GBD]

Originally posted by roadrunner:
Will,

I kept my abuse history from everyone for 42 years, and in fact what I seem to have done was to scramble it up into small pieces scattered around in my head. No piece was big enough to worry about, and I simply refused to put anything together.

The reason I did this was that as a boy, four years of sadistic abuse had tought me that the world is not a safe place. Then on top of that I learned feelings that told me that I was to blame, that I was not worth better treatment than what I got, and that I had even liked what the abuser did. I felt ashamed, frightened, confused and alone.

As an adult I was okay - I thought - for a long time. But gradually things started to catch up with me and I became increasingly unpredictable, unreliable, and emotionally unavailable. When I started to put things together and see what had happened to me I was badly traumatized, and one of the first results of that was that I could no longer function sexually. So of course my wife began to wonder if there was "another woman".

Finally it all came pouring out - I just couldn't hold it in anymore. With each sentence I felt like more and more of a failure as a man and as a human being.

There is a lot to say to your wife on this subject Will, but perhaps one of the most important things is this. For whatever crazy reason, it is often the hardest of all to tell the people who matter most to us.

Much love,
Larry