Need advice

[munchkin]

Please help me! I have a 17 year old son that has been acting out. When he was 13 he molested a 7 year old neighbor girl. Since then, he has
hidden in places to spy on friends of my daughters' when they were undressing and recently
he went across the street to peek in the window at a 15 year old girl taking a shower. Each time if he was caught, he confessed and was given a warning. He has gotten up early AM to browse porn on the computer and has been caught. We have taken measures such as a modem block to get him to stop. He has had evaluations recently, a personality test, an ABLE (sexual interest) evaluation, and a polygraph to verify his test results. The ABLE evaluation came back that he has an interest (sexually) in pre-pubescent girls and boys. He flunked the polygraph but especially the question, "Have you ever touched your sisters inappropriately?" The evaluator says that my son is suicidal. I have talked to my daughters and they all say he hasn't done anything to them "unless they can't remember."
A little background: My husband was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by his dad. My son told me with many tears and a bit of probing, that my husband has shared porn with him for years (he remembers being 4 when he first was exposed} or just didn't tell him to go away when he was watching porn. My husband totally denies this. My husband says that my son MAY have accidentally seen some porn when he was watching late PM or early AM when he was supposed to be sleeping. My husband and I are in couples therapy because he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and the kids for years. Can exposure to porn at such a young age cause my son to have a sexual interest in pre-pubescent kids?
What, in your experience do you think? I cannot unravel this and my husband does not trust authority or therapists (except ours) and he wants our son to see our therapist even though she has admitted that she does not have the training to help with our son's problems.

 

[Lloydy]

Munchkin

Can exposure to porn at such a young age cause my son to have a sexual interest in pre-pubescent kids?

Yes, is the simple answer I have no doubt.

The longer answer, in my opinion, is that any kind of sexualization at an early age can distort someones sexual boundaries in ver drastic ways as they get older.
So it's not a case of "he saw xxxx, so he's going to do yyyy." It's a mixture of many varied influences that make us the men and young adults we become.

It's good that you are trying to help your family, it's what loving mothers do though, part of the deal so to speak. But I would think very hard about the message the professionals give you, because it might come to the point where you are left with a choice of who to support and believe, and who not.
And their opinions will be foremost in your mind, and I would suggest that if you were brutally honest with yourself you might pre-empt that decision and not have it made for you.

Your son does have problems, 17yo boys don't usually have any attraction towards younger girls, they want to be 'grown up' by 17, and a 14yo girl just isn't cool.
But there is always the 'easy opportunity' to peek, and maybe these younger girls were just the easiest opportunity ?

I would also recommend that you seek and use a therapist of YOUR choice, and certainly one that had the confidence and credentials to deal with his problems.
Why "your choice" ? - because I think your husband is part of the equation, and untill such time as you trust him 100% you should question his motives.

If he has exposed your son to porn it's sexual abuse.

Sadly you are not the first confused mother to ask these kind of questions, and there are many good topics and articles around the site that might also help you, and I'm sure someone like Victor who has a better memory of where to find them will post some links.

I hope we make your decisions easier to take, I can't begin to imagine how hard they must be for you.

Dave

 

[Marc]

This is a struggle for me in someways but I believe that Lloydy tells it like it is.

First, your son for whatever reason became sexualized much too early. Your husband needs to accept his responsibility in this if he wants to prevent his own son from going through what he himself has gone through. If he is a loving father, then he takes responsibility where it is due.

Children don't just 'accidentally' see some porn when watching late PM or early AM when he was supposed to be sleeping. That's a load of horseshit. Your husband knows this. Does he love his son or doesn't he? There is no middle ground. This is as black and white as it gets.

Now I'll tell you also that some of the men here have gone through both what your husband is/has gone through and what your son IS going through. He can get past these feelings and desires. It's not really even that hard for the bulk of male survivors... Not all MSs have had the inclination toward abusing but some have. It is because of this that with your sons best interests at heart, I can say this can be overcome.

Lloydy is very right though, you need to get "the right" therapist. Additionally, YOU should be the one to choose. Your husbands prejudice can be overcome by using the trusted therapist as a guide to find a good one... NOTE NOT JUST AN ACCEPTABLE ONE! Ultimately, if your son is to get better, you must, i repeat MUST take an active role in the search and in his ongoing therapy. It is very important that his father does too though his decisions in this matter are clouded by his own abuse at least and blatently negligent at worst.

Your husband is older and is already much further along in the 'patterning' of his own behavior. His can be overcome too, but your son isn't even out of the crib of deviancy and has the best hope of getting better. I believe you can help to arrest your son's dysfunctional behavior before it gets out of hand. Not just the sexualization but as you indicated earlier, your own husbands' abusive behavior may in time become exhibited in your son.

I know, I've been there.

You have my best wishes and prayers Mom. Hang in there... he can be alright!

 

[Ken Singer LCSW]

From the use of the Abel Screen and the polygraph, it sounds like you have been in touch with a sex offense-specific specialist. I would talk to the Abel Screen person to recommend a therapist with the experience and skills to work with your son. The problem will not go away by itself.

Don't wait until you son commits a sexual offense. He is close to 18 and could be treated as an adult where the emphasis is on punishment, not rehabilitation.

Ken Singer

 

[munchkin]

Thank you, all of you for your advice. I will be 100% involved in my son's therapy. I will ask our current therapist for a recommendation. My husband does not trust authority easily, probably because of the abuse he suffered. I will keep this in mind and try to help allay his fears. I have done some reading on the subject and that helps too. Thanks again.