Need Advice...

Need Advice...
S

Shin

New Registrant
I have been the girlfriend of this guy for 13 months, and his best friend for almost two years. Two or so months ago, he confessed to me he had been molested by his older brother when he was 9-10.

I know the incident had a profound impact on his life. When I met him, he was this happy-go-lucky guy whose self-esteem was lower than dirt...he told me himself that he thought everything that happened was *his* fault. He liked several girls, but never went after any of them. He was always afraid of riling up his brother, who made him do things almost every time (errands, household chores that the brother was supposed to do, etc.) He was so afraid of his brother to the point that one time, I fell asleep on a bus and he left me because he didn't want to be late and shouted at. For what I know of guys, he was meek and submissive. And he never gets angry at anyone whenever they do something wrong to him--anyone *BUT* me.

I'm shouted at and insulted whenever he gets angry at me, which is often. I used to think this was strange. Now I know why. I was the only person he got this close to. I don't mind the fights, really...he stops an hour or two right after and becomes a puppy in affections. It's something else that's the problem.

He had told me everything that happened to him, even the details. And up since then, I haven't stopped being depressed. My brain is good at visualizing and I'm tired of it involuntary giving me images of what happened to him. I feel weakened since he's told me, angry at everything--his brother (I've known the guy as long as I've known him, and what hurts me most is that we were friends as well before a few months back, when he started insulting me to my face after finding out I've become his brother's girlfriend), sometimes angry at him, angry at his parents, but most of all, angry at myself, becuase I wasn't there. I know it's irrational but I feel like it's my fault that I couldn't be there to defend him.

He said he's gotten over it. I don't know, but since he told me, he's gotten a bit better--he's no longer afraid of his brother, for instance--no longer submits to the requests and unneeded-orders that the guy gives him.

But the problem lies within me. I can't stop getting depressed over it. Every thing that reminds me of what happened to him makes me go quiet, and he hates it...because now he can't tell me things about his childhood. I don't even want to go with him to his grandparents' place back in the Philippines because I'm afraid of meeting a cousin involved with what happened (I've already regretted meeting his brother), and I'm afraid of the images my brain is going to give me if I'm in the place where his abuse happened. He got angry at me for it yesterday, again.

What can I do to help him, and what can I do to help myself? I am so close to him his every pain affects me...when he was in the hospital I so near starved myself until I learned he was all right. Even now I get tremors when I remember his hospital ordeal. The only solution I sometimes see is to leave him, but even that is impossible. I love him too much. We are both only sixteen, but the relationship has grown to a point where if we leave each other, we would have torn up parts of ourselves.

It's hard when the one person that makes you happy brings you the greatest sorrow you've ever known...
 
Dear Shin:
Welcome to MaleSurvivor. You sound like a caring, intelligent young woman. Wifey1 asked for a moderator to step in and another reader emailed me privately to respond to your post, as a professional who works with survivors.

So, I'm going to give you my thoughts from a perspective of working in the sexual abuse field for nearly 25 years (hope that doesn't make me sound like an old goat.) :rolleyes: I also work with sexual abusers and for about a dozen years with men involved in domestic violence.

You wrote:
"I'm shouted at and insulted whenever he gets angry at me, which is often. I used to think this was strange. Now I know why. I was the only person he got this close to. I don't mind the fights, really...he stops an hour or two right after and becomes a puppy in affections. It's something else that's the problem."

First, your observation that he is taking out his anger on you because he is close to you, is likely correct. However, it is wrong to be taking it out on anyone, let alone the person who may be closest to him, and one who he may feel won't leave him if he becomes abusive. I used the word "abusive" here because his behavior is abusive. There is an abuse cycle that is quite common... there is a build up of negative feelings, a pulling back/withdrawal, a lashing out (physically, verbally or sexually), followed by an apology and promise to be better in the future. Things work out for a while until the cycle starts over again. If this sounds familiar, it will not get better until he deals with it in counseling.

You wrote:
"He had told me everything that happened to him, even the details. And up since then, I haven't stopped being depressed. My brain is good at visualizing and I'm tired of it involuntary giving me images of what happened to him."

What you describe is called "vicarious traumatization". It is being traumatized by seeing or hearing (and visualizing) some terrible events. People who had nightmares after 9/11, repeatedly seeing the towers coming down, seeing the planes fly into them again and again, were often suffering from this. It can be as damaging for some as the actual event. If you can't get these images out of your mind, you should see a therapist who is familiar with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It can be handled at many agencies. Assuming you are in school, you may be able to ask a guidance counselor to refer you to a local agency where someone can help you.

If you think that this might be too difficult to do, consider that you said,"The only solution I sometimes see is to leave him, but even that is impossible. I love him too much." If your relationship is that important to you, you have other choices. If you could solve this problem by yourself, you would have. It's a bit bigger than what you can do on your own. Don't worry about paying for counseling. Many agencies have sliding fee scales and you can be assured of confidentiality in discussing your concerns.

I hope you will do this for yourself and for him. And please consider urging him to get into counseling as well. If he won't, then do it for yourself.

Take care of yourself,
Ken Singer
 
Shin
your story is so familiar, but so many of us wait until we're middle aged to deal with it, I was about 45 when I told my wife who handered for 25 years why I was so damn moody !

I suppose it's a mixed blessing for you both really, you're both young and if you get the help you need right now then your lives wont be ruined forever, but 16 is a young age to have so much crap to deal with, you should both be out having fun.

But as Wifey say's - you seem to be a smart girl, so if you get help you can help him, and he's going to need help in spades. He isn't going to easy either, but help will make hime better.
Young minds seem to adjust better somehow.

Ken is right, get therapy. Don't be afraid of it, never feel ashamed- never ever !, your boyfriend did nothing wrong - period.

Find help through school, college student services - my wife works for one here in the UK and she arranges therapy for people just like you all the time, I hope the US has similar people in place.
Try rape crisis centres, mental health advisors, the hospital and doctors - any of them will likely know where to get help.

Don't be frightend, be strong and get help. We can't do it alone, us old un's have tried that and it dont work !

Dave
 
I received a birthday email that reminded me I had posted this, and wow, it was seven years ago! How time flies. I thought I might as well write here and give an update.

It took a long time, and there were seemingly endless cycles of talking about it, and fighting, and so on. I went through a very deep, depressive state because I just had a hard time imagining him being hurt, and the end of our high school years was a very trying time for us. Still, we tried to keep our relationship intact, because even through all the pain I think we loved each other too much, and I couldn't imagine leaving him, knowing what I knew.

As it happened, before we turned 18, he left his parents' home (long story there, although suffice to say he did lay it out against the brother and told him exactly why, before he left and never spoke to them again) and found his own place and a job. There were other issues with him and his family, not just this one, but at around this point he was becoming more and more relaxed, and more of himself was coming to the surface. What he told me at some point was that he found that he could now live for himself. For the first time I actually saw him make close friends with other people, be more open and carefree, and have a more confident voice. He began to voice out his own opinions very strongly, and even have a laugh at it, and he started taking the lead. As for myself, the depression lifted, and I no longer had this pressing need to watch over him like a mother hen; I finally let go.

We enjoyed having a relationship finally where we could just be boyfriend and girlfriend, and have fun, and not scurry around frightened of everyone and ourselves and our past, and I don't know exactly when, because like I said, things changed slowly over the years, but we really did stop hurting each other. He proposed to me a few months after we turned 20, and were married 9 months later, in the company of so many friends we didn't think we even had.

We're still married now, at 23; he hasn't lifted a finger or voice against me in over four years now. He's just graduated from a mechanic program at the local institute. Right now we're still saving up, and expecting our first-born on November. I know I didn't think we could ever be happy but you know, honestly, we are; I was looking at him while he slept last night while feeling our baby kick and looking back on all we've been through the past nine years, and kind of wondering how we'd survived that. He'd fallen asleep telling me how he always felt sad whenever the season changes to Fall, because so many things happened to us during Fall.

There's still scars, of course, and some pain, still, but I've learned that life isn't that easy, and love can't be love without wounds.

I just wanted to share this update, and thank you guys for helping me through one of the darkest chapters of our life, and maybe offer some comfort to others.
 
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Wow Shin. I was literally brough to tears reading your posts. I was impressed at how strong and mature you seemed for a teenager and now to hear your update I am just overcome with emotions. Congratulations to both you and your husband for all the hard work. May your newly expanding family continue to bring you closer together.

It is really nice to see something positive and see how recovery truely is possible and couples can "make it".

Best of luck.
 
Shin,

Methinks I have found a time capsule...!!!

I think it, really interesting, when I manage to get outside of self (trying to help others) how often I end up helping myself.

Thanks for the update...!!!


Time in a Bottle (Jim Croce)
 
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