Need Advice
marthajoha
New Registrant
Hello!! I'm looking for advice. I'm not sure where to turn. I found your organization and I'm wondering if anyone would be kind to help. And so, my question or story: I met a young man in another state; we saw eachother twice in person. We really liked eachother. After our last face to face encounter, we engaged in a month long telephone getting to know each other journey initiated by him; we spoke about 3-4 hrs. a night. Within the first week or so of our talks he disclosed that he was sexually abused by a priest for almost 10 yrs. of his life; this happen over 12 yrs. ago; he also stated he had trust issues and was weird at times; I was supportive. He said he had been in therapy for 7 yrs of his life. We talked very brief about his experience and decided to have a more in depth conversation in person. In the course of our conversations he was very sweet, supportive, fun, respectful and genuine. We made plans to see each other. We both agreed that we liked each other. He expressed that I may not like him after I got to know him. I really liked this guy. The nature of our conversations was fairly serious in terms of us. We really liked each other and said we would continue to get to know each other.
In the last two weeks, I ended up traveling for a work conference to a different state -- in a city which is known for partying during that particular holiday; I invited him to join me and he was unable to do so b/c of work. While at the conference, on his day off, he attempted to call me several times and I was not available b/c I was at the conference. Note, I did not have my cell phone on b/c I do not have national coverage. He knew this and he would call me in my hotel room. He was unable to get a hold of me all day until almost midnight. I called when I got in -- an hour after his last message. The following day he left me a message and I did too. The next day we finally spoke. After greetings he asked if I had met a guy; I reassured him that I had not. He and I had made plans to see each other and I really liked him so I was not thinking of this; I let him know this. I asked him why he didn't call and he said he was out partying and too drunk to call me when he returned. We had a break of conversation. Later that evening we resumed our conversation and he drilled me about what I had done with other men during my conference and while in that party city; he drilled me for a good hour; I told him everything and reassured him that I had done absolutely nothing and that I really liked him and couldn't wait to see him. Then, I asked about him. He struggled for a while about being honest and said that liars get further in life, but finally was honest; he said he got drunk, partied and was a really bad boy -- he said I was really, really bad; he said he met a girl. I did not inquire about details. He said he did not hear from me and was anxious and felt like he was not going to stay home while I was out partying and doing who knows what. I was a bit upset, but didn't know what to say to him considering we live in different states and we're not official. He said he felt guilty. He said he was telling me b/c he really likes me and sees a future together; he said he didn't want to be married to me or loving me in the future and feeling guilty. (Mind you, during our month long conversations, he stated that he really liked me and he thought perhaps I was the person.) He said he couldn't do this long distance. I was confused. I asked him to clarify; he didn't explain much. I asked if he still liked me. He said I didn't say that. I said what's going on? He said I did not understand him. He said he felt guilty. I felt as if he was playing the victim and I said so; I felt like I was the one who should be upset. I was not sure how to respond. Then, I began to reason everything out and I told him things would be okay and that he should not feel guilty. I was not sure what to say or do. I asked him what he wanted. He said I did not understand him and he had to go. And I said okay. I was not sure what else to say. Since, I have not heard from him. I'm all good with what happened. And, I feel like I understand him or at lest I want to. I'm just a bit confused about the abruptness. I really liked him and miss him. I'd like to be his friend and be supportive. I felt like I was not able to say all this. I thought of calling, but then I'm scared. I'm afraid. I do not know what his real process is; will my calling traumatize him or help or is my calling more about my need for closure. I'm looking for feedback from men who have been survivors? Maybe through them I can best understand and respond. I really do care about this individual and would like to tell him I understand; I do not feel like reaching out to him so he can be with me, no, but just so that he knows I understand. I will be in his part of town and state at the end of the month; I thought maybe calling him to make plans. But again, I'm not sure. I guess going through this is very confusing not just on a relationship level, but b/c of his past.
I would appreciate some feedback. I want to do what's best for this individual and some how I feel like I'm missing something.
Thanks.
In the last two weeks, I ended up traveling for a work conference to a different state -- in a city which is known for partying during that particular holiday; I invited him to join me and he was unable to do so b/c of work. While at the conference, on his day off, he attempted to call me several times and I was not available b/c I was at the conference. Note, I did not have my cell phone on b/c I do not have national coverage. He knew this and he would call me in my hotel room. He was unable to get a hold of me all day until almost midnight. I called when I got in -- an hour after his last message. The following day he left me a message and I did too. The next day we finally spoke. After greetings he asked if I had met a guy; I reassured him that I had not. He and I had made plans to see each other and I really liked him so I was not thinking of this; I let him know this. I asked him why he didn't call and he said he was out partying and too drunk to call me when he returned. We had a break of conversation. Later that evening we resumed our conversation and he drilled me about what I had done with other men during my conference and while in that party city; he drilled me for a good hour; I told him everything and reassured him that I had done absolutely nothing and that I really liked him and couldn't wait to see him. Then, I asked about him. He struggled for a while about being honest and said that liars get further in life, but finally was honest; he said he got drunk, partied and was a really bad boy -- he said I was really, really bad; he said he met a girl. I did not inquire about details. He said he did not hear from me and was anxious and felt like he was not going to stay home while I was out partying and doing who knows what. I was a bit upset, but didn't know what to say to him considering we live in different states and we're not official. He said he felt guilty. He said he was telling me b/c he really likes me and sees a future together; he said he didn't want to be married to me or loving me in the future and feeling guilty. (Mind you, during our month long conversations, he stated that he really liked me and he thought perhaps I was the person.) He said he couldn't do this long distance. I was confused. I asked him to clarify; he didn't explain much. I asked if he still liked me. He said I didn't say that. I said what's going on? He said I did not understand him. He said he felt guilty. I felt as if he was playing the victim and I said so; I felt like I was the one who should be upset. I was not sure how to respond. Then, I began to reason everything out and I told him things would be okay and that he should not feel guilty. I was not sure what to say or do. I asked him what he wanted. He said I did not understand him and he had to go. And I said okay. I was not sure what else to say. Since, I have not heard from him. I'm all good with what happened. And, I feel like I understand him or at lest I want to. I'm just a bit confused about the abruptness. I really liked him and miss him. I'd like to be his friend and be supportive. I felt like I was not able to say all this. I thought of calling, but then I'm scared. I'm afraid. I do not know what his real process is; will my calling traumatize him or help or is my calling more about my need for closure. I'm looking for feedback from men who have been survivors? Maybe through them I can best understand and respond. I really do care about this individual and would like to tell him I understand; I do not feel like reaching out to him so he can be with me, no, but just so that he knows I understand. I will be in his part of town and state at the end of the month; I thought maybe calling him to make plans. But again, I'm not sure. I guess going through this is very confusing not just on a relationship level, but b/c of his past.
I would appreciate some feedback. I want to do what's best for this individual and some how I feel like I'm missing something.
Thanks.