need advice

need advice
M

MC22

Registrant
Hi, My boyfriend of 7 years recently remembered being sexually molested by his older sister when he was 12 years old, she was 18. Before this memory my boyfriend and I had a great sex life. Since this memory he does not want to have sex. This has lasted about 9 months so far. I am trying so hard to be patient but it is hard for me. I need some advice. Is this a normal reaction to this horrible memory he had to relive. Thanks for any advice. MC22
 
Yeah I think it is. Something like this can be very hard for a person to deal with.The memoreies,the hurt,the pain and mistrust he went though is really unthinkable. I hope that he is getting some kind of therpy to help him work out his feeling,if not maybe you could suggest that.

Please try to keep begin supportive, he needs you now. Take care of each other.
Gus
 
MC
I've just said to one of the guys on the Male Forum that what happened to us, the abuse, possibly had more to do with power, control and opportunity than actual sex. Sex was the weapon of choice to gain complete control over us.
Of course there is a sexual pleasure element, and that's strong, but I believe that control is a bigger factor.

It's less common for a young woman to be an abuser, but with her younger brother as well I can imagine the level of control she had and desired. If they are still in contact with each other can you see any trace of that power still at work ? If she say's "jump" does he 'jump' ?

It affects our sex life as adults a great deal, for most of us anyway, all the influences and learning surrounding sex and relationships we experienced were wrong.
When we were young sexually aware boys and our friends were bragging about "copping a feel" we had already 'been there - done that'- in a dysfunctional way.
The power thing works there as well, instead of learning what we could and couldn't do, and getting a slap from some young girl we were dating as our hands wandered just that bit too far, we approached sex as though it was going to be available automatically - and were stunned and confused when it wasn't.
I was abused by older boys and an adult male, but my perception of sex, and my expectation that it 'should just be there' when I wanted it with girls my age ( as a teenager ) was so confused that it's a wonder I ever lost my virginity !

Dave
 
Dave, Thankyou very much for your response. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. It must be so hard for you. You gave me some insight to this problem. I want to help my boyfriend but just don't know how.


Gus- thankyou for your response. I think you are right , I need to try to just help him and hope for the best. MC
 
Did anyone ever not want to have sex after the re-surfacing of the sexual abuse. How did you get back to having a healthy sex life. Is it possible. How do you get it back. Or is this the least of your worries. I don't want to be insensitive. There is just so much I don't understand. Any advice or experience with this will be so greatly appreciated. I just feel helpless to help him.
 
mc,
sexuality is a precious gift. when that gift is distorted through such a lens as sexual abuse it is no longer a gift, but a curse. one way to possibly gain perspective on this is to consider the tragedy of an adult female rape victim. this image is not used flippantly, i assure you. the men here on the forum are shocked when fellow male survivors know exactly what the other is going through. thus, the reason for the image. any rape victim, or sexual assault victim, once they are immediately within the aftermath of the assault, are so traumatized by the assault that every intimate act becomes suspect. the memory of what his adult sister did to him was buried deeply and when it hit the surface of his memory it is just as though it was happening in the here and now. i had trouble with intimacy as well with lady theo, but what she did was stay there with me with no pressure. what it took was for me to relearn that intimacy and sexuality was a gift, not a bludgeon. that is what it will take with your boyfriend. because of the memory sex is nothing more than a power trip, as dave outlined above, for your boyfriend right now. you can pm me if you have any further questions. he is a lucky man to have someone like you to love him. just remember that it is not a reflection on you in any way, it is the assault that he is working through. take care, mc.
 
Theo, thankyou so much for your response, it made alot of sense what you said. I think it will just take time for him to trust again. I also thank you for telling me that it is not me. You can imagine how I thought it was. I have felt so rejected, his problem has become some of my problem too. Although of course he has suffered so much more, I can not even imagine the pain. I feel so bad for anyone who had this happen. It seems to be a life long stuggle. I do love my boyfriend and I will continue to try and understand the devistation he has been through. Because his abuser was a women , his sister, I guess me being a women doesn't help. Anyway, thank you so much for the response. I need this help. You take care too Theo, whatever happened to you, I am so sorry. MC22
 
Theo, how did you and Ms Theo get back the initimacy? Did you intiate it or did she. I don't ever approach my boyfriend anymore because I am afraid of rejection. How do you start over? Thanks for any advice. Hope you are doing well. MC
 
All I can add is, communication, honesty, and respect for each other's feelings and needs. Unfortunately, he will probably have quite a few mood swings and times when he does not want to talk at all until he gets some kind of handle or understanding of things. It is hard for people to understand this, but when he says that he doesn't want to talk, he probably honestly doesn't, and most likely needs some down time to think.
 
.Thankyou Mike for your response, it helps greatly to get different perspectives. Often times he does say that he does not want to talk, I will respect that much more now. I guess I just don't understand the enormous feelings attached to this. I'm sorry for anyone who had to endure this, I'm sorry for you Mike, if you did. MC22
 
mc,
sorry for the delay in responding. there was a lot of things that were iinvolved in the journey back to intimacy as a shared experience. it turned out to be a cycle, of sorts. once i was able to get past the worst of the issue i was having then, the rest just happened naturally. i still have those times when the memories get to be too much, but now we both know and understand what is happening and it does not become something like personal failure because it is no longer confused with our love. once i could identify the truth of the real problem i was able to respond to lady theo as a partner, not as an antagonist. it takes time, mc, and it is different for each person. the key is to try to help each other understand that it is ultimately something from the past, not something from the present (i.e. the relationship). take care, mc.
 
regarding the lack of affection, that is the main reason why I get hurt by my boyfriend, he doesnt hit, yells rarely, to me I feel neglected a lot. it so hard, but I find if I ask if we can have sex first before making the first move, it will greatly help on the amount of rejection from sex you may get. That way, you can understand, and not think its you. It takes time. take care
 
Theo and Lovehurtsobad, Thankyou both so much for your response, it just helps so much to have someone to talk to about this, as I can't talk to anyone else about this. The rejection I feel is so painful, even though I know it is not me, I can't help or stop the saddness it causes me. I can only imagine his saddness. If I could just forget about love making for awhile while he heals. It is so difficult to just turn that part off. Thanks again, you help me so much on this journey. MC22
 
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