need advice *trigger?*
An update on my wife and I
Things are improving, not sexually, but emotionally. A few days back, after realizing my part in the wall that is growing between us, I began working very hard on talking and paying attention to her. Affection and intimacy are the foundations for sex, and I know that I must do my part if we are to heal things. I allowed resentment to build in me, and drive a wedge between us. Only days ago, we each clung to our side of the bed, staying as far apart as we could. She would bury her head, and pile up blankets and pillows between us. Naturally I did my part, pretending to be fast asleep when she came to bed. I felt so alone and distant, I believe that I could have walked out on her by then.
I took a step back the other day, and asked myself what was really important in life. Clearly my wife and kids have to rank first, even above my own needs and ambitions. Was I willing to let this resentment and selfishness claim my marriage? No, I dont think so.
Love, closeness and marriage are something that you must work very hard at. There are no such things as perfect relationships, or perfect people. For my part, my father was very abusive. He would throw these loud fits, yelling and calling me names. I did two things to cope. First I learned to put my thoughts aside, and simply do what he wanted. I let him control me this way until well into my twenties. This is largely where my relationship problems are coming from. My addiction takes a back seat to my lack of assertiveness. I let my strong wife walk all over me, not that she knows she is doing it. How could she? I never tell her what I want or need. Instead I go with the flow, and then allow resentment and anger to build up inside. I hate myself for being weak, and it keeps coming out in unhealthy ways such as addiction and closing myself off from the world.
The second way I dealt with my father was by turning to sex for escape. Yet, sexual addiction is actually a symptom of a larger problem. The root cause of everything is my fathers abuse. Even being molested when I was six isnt the root of things. I could have dealt with that, it only introduced the vehicle I would use to escape. It wouldnt have become addiction if I didnt need a coping mechanism to begin with.
So what do I do? Do I walk around pissed off at my father for the rest of my life? Clearly, as a Christian, feeling ill toward him makes me feel ashamed and sinful. I need to be pissed at him, but cant because I goes against what I believe is right. It is far easier to be depressed and upset with myself for failing to set things right than to feel what I know I want to.
At some point, I had to rise above the endless circles of pain, anger and distress. I refuse from this point on to wallow there. I will forgive myself, and work very hard on correcting to worst symptom of my abuse, passiveness. Being passive causes me more problems than my addiction ever did. If I were assertive enough to say when my needs werent being met, then I wouldnt suffer for months before working on it.
I want to know, how would you feel if your mate told you that his/her needs werent being met? Would it make you mad, and feel like he/she was being selfish? Also, how would you like to hear it? I mean is bluntly saying it best, or is there a caring way you would like such news? I want to strike up a conversation about it, but want to do it in a positive, open way. I dont want to kill the emerging closeness we have begun, and drive her back away. Yet, I feel that if I cannot become more assertive, I will never be proud of myself, nor get over hating myself.
Things are improving, not sexually, but emotionally. A few days back, after realizing my part in the wall that is growing between us, I began working very hard on talking and paying attention to her. Affection and intimacy are the foundations for sex, and I know that I must do my part if we are to heal things. I allowed resentment to build in me, and drive a wedge between us. Only days ago, we each clung to our side of the bed, staying as far apart as we could. She would bury her head, and pile up blankets and pillows between us. Naturally I did my part, pretending to be fast asleep when she came to bed. I felt so alone and distant, I believe that I could have walked out on her by then.
I took a step back the other day, and asked myself what was really important in life. Clearly my wife and kids have to rank first, even above my own needs and ambitions. Was I willing to let this resentment and selfishness claim my marriage? No, I dont think so.
Love, closeness and marriage are something that you must work very hard at. There are no such things as perfect relationships, or perfect people. For my part, my father was very abusive. He would throw these loud fits, yelling and calling me names. I did two things to cope. First I learned to put my thoughts aside, and simply do what he wanted. I let him control me this way until well into my twenties. This is largely where my relationship problems are coming from. My addiction takes a back seat to my lack of assertiveness. I let my strong wife walk all over me, not that she knows she is doing it. How could she? I never tell her what I want or need. Instead I go with the flow, and then allow resentment and anger to build up inside. I hate myself for being weak, and it keeps coming out in unhealthy ways such as addiction and closing myself off from the world.
The second way I dealt with my father was by turning to sex for escape. Yet, sexual addiction is actually a symptom of a larger problem. The root cause of everything is my fathers abuse. Even being molested when I was six isnt the root of things. I could have dealt with that, it only introduced the vehicle I would use to escape. It wouldnt have become addiction if I didnt need a coping mechanism to begin with.
So what do I do? Do I walk around pissed off at my father for the rest of my life? Clearly, as a Christian, feeling ill toward him makes me feel ashamed and sinful. I need to be pissed at him, but cant because I goes against what I believe is right. It is far easier to be depressed and upset with myself for failing to set things right than to feel what I know I want to.
At some point, I had to rise above the endless circles of pain, anger and distress. I refuse from this point on to wallow there. I will forgive myself, and work very hard on correcting to worst symptom of my abuse, passiveness. Being passive causes me more problems than my addiction ever did. If I were assertive enough to say when my needs werent being met, then I wouldnt suffer for months before working on it.
I want to know, how would you feel if your mate told you that his/her needs werent being met? Would it make you mad, and feel like he/she was being selfish? Also, how would you like to hear it? I mean is bluntly saying it best, or is there a caring way you would like such news? I want to strike up a conversation about it, but want to do it in a positive, open way. I dont want to kill the emerging closeness we have begun, and drive her back away. Yet, I feel that if I cannot become more assertive, I will never be proud of myself, nor get over hating myself.
