Need advice RE: loved one's relationship w/abuser

[PhantomMuse]

I have been involved with a survivor for 3.5 years; he was my teenage sweetheart, and we have reconnected after 30+ years.

I am finding that my journey with him is ever-changing. He is working hard to manage and move past his injuries. However, I can go for weeks without thinking too much about his past abuse, but then out of the blue I am profoundly affected by his story.

My dear friend still has a relationship with his abuser-- an older brother. They are not particularly close, and they live across the country from each other. However, sometimes they relate as if the abuse never happened. They chat and text (not with great regularity, but sometimes), and I am the one having trouble with it!

My dear friend seems okay, but I literally want to throttle his brother. Brother is arrogant and domineering, and my dear friend is somewhat passive. I don't think the brother knows that anyone else knows what he did. But, I really do need some advice regarding the management of MY feelings. At times, I want to bad mouth this brother to my dear friend. I can be rather strong with my words, so I need to learn to "filter" them, I think.

Is it an usual response to maintain connection with an abuser in this way? When my dear friend is feeling the intensity of his past, should I refrain from saying anything to him directly about his brother? Because my friend has a propensity to defer to me, he never angers when I get feisty about his brother. However, I'm not sure it's the best way to handle things. Any advice?

Blessings and thanks!

 

[Mishka95673]

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[Serious Dave]

Hi PhantomMuse,

My situation is almost identical to your man's. I was abused by an older brother and his friends for about 3 years staring when I was 8. My brother lives far away and we talk occasionally, in fact I spent Thanksgiving week with him and his family as well as other relatives where he lives.

I had my "awakening" to the abuse about a month ago, so please take into consideration that it is possible that not all emotions have surfaced yet. I grieve daily for my losses, but anger has left me for now. I will tell you my perspective on the issues that concern you as they relate to me only. Please don't take this as a lecture on what you or your man should think or do - your situation is unique. Perhaps, however, you can find something useful.

To my knowledge, I currently harbor no anger toward my brother. I love my brother very much and feel that even the abuse will not change that. That said, my brother behaves in a loving, not domineering way toward me. Unless I'm really that out of touch with my emotions, I choose that path for the following reasons.

1. I am 53, have suffered enough from the abuse, and I am tired of fighting with people. I have fought with my wife and her family for 25 years because of the abuse she suffered and her family's denial of it. I am choosing to scrape together a peaceful existence for the time I have left. Opening this wound is not worth the piece of me that it would cost.

2. I feel that my brother was a stupid kid who made a huge mistake at 12 years of age. He owes a debt that he can never repay, even if he wanted to. The only route to peace and happiness for ME is forgiveness. I seek to be forgiven for much; I cannot hold back forgiveness from him. My life will not be made better by making his worse. I am a Christian, and I believe the verse that says, "I will repay says the Lord".

3. If I confront him and expose his transgression, I believe he will suffer, and he certainly deserves it. (I know him well enough to know that he suffers mental anguish every day of his life. I hope this is regret over what he did.) But, his wife and his 3 children, all of whom I love dearly, will suffer as well. They are not guilty. The price for me to vent is, in my opinion, way too high.

4. I do have a fear that, if I did confront, he might deny, or more likely, minimize the damage done to me. This would hurt me more than the abuse, so I simply won't take the chance.

5. There is a chance that my brother himself was abused and it is that which caused his behavior toward me. I deeply apologize to anyone who sees this as excusing the behavior of a perpetrator; I DO NOT excuse any of them, including my brother. However, because he is my brother, and I love him, I am compelled to have compassion on him. No other abused person need feel the same way. Their anger is a righteous anger, wholly justified by the crimes committed against them. I, for myself alone, choose to lay my anger aside.

I will never tell my wife, who by the way will soon be my ex-wife, about the abuse. Her tendency has always been to push me to hate the people she hates, even if that hate is unreasonable and against WHAT I CHOOSE FOR MYSELF. If I told her, I would live in fear that she would go on the offensive and expose MY secret against MY will, demanding that I take actions I CHOOSE NOT TO TAKE. I simply do not trust my wife with the most intimate details of my life (no doubt why we are getting divorced). That is partly due to my inability to trust and also to her past actions.

MY past is MY past. MY pain is MY pain. MY recovery is MY recovery. The people I now want for friends and family are those who will support me as I make my own decisions as to what I do about those three things. I have felt powerless since I was 8 years old. In one way or another, I have allowed myself to be pushed around all my life, and I simply won't allow it anymore.

I am very sorry for your man's suffering and yours. I hope that you will find something in my journey that makes yours a little easier.

Dave

 

[Mishka95673]

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[Serious Dave]

Thanks for your support Mishka.

I learned to love my brother well before I learned to hate myself. I hope to learn to love myself, but hating my brother isn't the way to do it.

As for the other guys, God is taking care of them. I have the pleasure of seeing them periodically as the their chickens come home to roost. Their own self-destructive behavior over the years is now taking them apart piece by piece. "I will repay, says the Lord."

Dave

 

[Mishka95673]

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[woodenshoes]

Serious Dave

Your words spoke with meaning. Thank you. It touched me emotionally.

Woodenshoes

 

[PhantomMuse]

I am absolutely grateful to you both, Mishka and Dave, for your very honest and insightful comments. I am so very moved; I need to sign off tonight and spend some time in meditation to take your words in.

Blessings to you for your generosity and courage. I am so very grateful.

 

[karin4him]

I am in a very similar situation. My husband was abused by his older brother and friends, yet he continues an on and off relationship with him primarily through phone calls and texts. His brother has had major emotional issues in his life and my husband often feels sorry for him.

I on the other hand can only see red when I even think about him. He not only stole my husbands emotional health, bu I blame him for taking the best of my husband from my children and myself.

Be that as it may, I have tried to follow these rules:
1. It's his abuser and it's only him that has the right should he choose to confront his abuser.
2. I have set boundaries for my own mental health, letting my husband know that he is never allowed in my home or around our children.
3. I am honest with my husband about my feelings towards his brother but I always tell him that. I think he is a better person than I am and he needs to sort out and have his own feelings about his brother, which I will respect.

I don't know if this helps but maybe knowing you're not the only one with this issue might help. I pray that you will find the right answer for your relationship.