need advice please!

need advice please!
S

shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
i am posting this here in the hope that someone can help me help a friend ,ok i am not gay ,dont think i'm anything really when it comes to sex ,havnt done it since i was abused . i have tried miserably to have sex with a women but it was just one huge trigger for me .to getb to the point i met a guy around my age a couple of months ago we both like nascar so i invited him over to watch the race ,i had no idea that he was gay at that time ,so we got pretty wasted and i passed out ,when i woke up he was going down on me ,it was too late for me to stop i was already at the point of no return ,i was upset that he had taken advantage of me but not really angry with him ,i told him i was not gay but i would not hold what he did against him.i dont know why? i should have been triggerd all over the place and pissed of major ,but i coild see that he was basicly a good person who just made a bad judgement call .so i offered to just be his friend ,i didnt see him agan till last night when he came to my door all baet up by someone who picked him up ,my problem is can i just be his friend ,cuase he really needs one right now ,will he assume because i didnt freak out on him that maybe i am gay ?also i need to admit that at 21 years old my body does need sex and i'm afraid i will give in just to get off if you know what i mean and i feel that would be a very shitty thing to do to him .i want to be his friend not his lover or should i just stay wawy from the whole situtation ? we live in a town with like 300 residents so being gay here is like posting it on a billboard ,i dont want to be like the redneck asshols that live here and shun him just because he is gay ,that does not matter to me in the least ,i see a person who is hurting ,his sexual prefrence has nothing to do with it ,but i dont want to give him the false hope that we cam be lovers , thanks i'm just kinda confused and hope i didnt offend anyone with this post .shadow
 
Going down on someone while they are passed out is a bad judgement call? Dude, the guy sexually assaulted you. Think of it this way, what would a girl think if she passed out and you had sex with her?

If I were you I'd put some distance between myself and this guy. Sounds like bad news all around.
 
Shadow,

Two guys about 21 get shitfaced and wind up one getting oral sex from the other. One is gay and the other is a survivor of sexual abuse as a boy. What do I think?

My main concern is with you Shadow. I can't say anything about the other guy really, since we don't really know anything about him, except that he's gay.

First of all, finding that you are pretty much dysfunctional sexually is pretty much what I would expect, considering what you went through as a boy. You see sex as something that adults do to harm kids, and really, how else would you see it? When you have an opportunity to become intimate with a girl, you probably start thinking "I am about to do what that perv did to me". That's exactly how I reacted when I was sixteen.

The other point is that you may have poor sexual boundaries, in the sense that you don't have a foundation of gradual experiences that would inform you about who you are sexually and what is and isn't right for you. That too is pretty common among survivors.

Really, the only way to real with these problems is professional help. A therapist will be able to get you through this minefield and help you get grounded.

In the interim, I guess the thing to do is be very careful. Reducing your defenses with a lot of alcohol or drugs when your defenses are already shaky is probably a bad idea. But at the same time, please also bear in mind that tearing ourselves up over past difficulties just doesn't help us. We can't change the past; all we can do is learn the lessons it teaches and move on.

Much love,
Larry
 
nobby i tend to agree with you i should have booted they guy out ,but he did try to explain that maybe he got the wrong impression ,i am a 21 year old guy with no girlfriend and living in a house furnished by my grandmother ,lol.i do think i should avoid him if possible.
 
I think that's the best move, dude. He sounds dangerous.
 
It's a tough call Adam. I wouldn't know what to do either I don't think.

One thing to keep in mind is your reputation in that small town that you live in. Being seen with a known gay person in a small town full of rednecks can lead to problems.

I say you made the right call giving him a ride to the emergency room but you better play it safe and keep your distance. What he did to you was NOT cool.
 
I wouldn't ex-friend him cause he's gay do matter what size the town is. First you and then beaten up, sounds like he has some hidden issues too. I would be careful about his advances and truly discuss it as friends. he could be a perp or he could be one of your best friends.
 
Wow, very interesting problem with caring and thoughtful responses. Thanks, Shadow.
To take the "other side", at least for the sake of argument, I think that two adult males (one gay, one straight) can maintain a strong, mutually supportive and healthy friendship - with the proviso that some very clear boundaries are established and respected by both parties.
It sounds like he could really use a friend just now (and, I would guess, so could you). Just be sure that you know the potential risks and rewards in your own current special geographical and psychological spaces.
Caring adults do not harm or take unfair advantage of each other.
Communication, usually, is the key to success.
Good luck, Brother Shadow.
Much love, etc.,
 
If you had no idea that the man was gay when you invited him over, passed out from drinking only to awaken with this other guy going down on you, totally uninvited, then there is only one conclusion. Once again, you were sexually assaulted. It was rape, pure and simple.
Even if you subconsciously conveyed any sexual interest, verbally or physically, it was still an uninvited response on his part. There is the chance that you may have in the back of your mind been curious and sent mixed signals, even allowing yourself to get so intoxicated so that he might take advantage of you. There are perhaps thousands of men who do this routine; get so drunk that the other guy takes advantage of them, which is perhaps the only way they can cope a male on male sexual encounter. I am not saying that you conveyed this to your new friend. Even if you did, it doesn't justify his actions. He still took advantage of you, and that is wrong. However, if you may have subliminally thought about a sexual encounter and conveyed those desires, either through verbal or physical no matter how discreet, then you may have more same sex inclination than you thought. Seeing a professional to help you through these thought processes would be advisable. I would definitely stay clear of your new friend, but be open and tell him why you are staying away, lest he may not totally understand and only tear down his own faltering self-esteem. There's a good chance that he was sexually assaulted/abused earlier himself.

Best of luck
Texas Cowboy
 
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