need advice please

need advice please
larry its hard for me to try to think about how i feel about my family ,my parents both consider the death of my brother a reason for the way they just collapsed and gave up. in a way i understand why they are the way they are .its hard to explain but i watched my family just fall apart ,my mom went from getting up and making breakfast ,to being too hungover to even get up ,she would get drunk and sit with pictures of my brother,crying she would stiil be there when i got home from school ,my dad would come in see her crying and throw something or yell ,he went from farmming to a job he hated ,at night i would hear him tell my mother that it was my fault ,that it should have been me ,not jimmy ,i think rather than have to deal with me they just ignored me ,i would sit in the room i shared with my brother with all his stuff ,his sports trophys ,his pictures ,his bed all made up ,if i touched anything my dad went ape shit .but i could see even at 9 or 10 that my brothers death had broken them and i felt responsible ,so i do in a way understand why they dont want me around ,but its still not right .they have had years to deal with this ,do they really know where their son grew up ? i wonder ? adam
 
Adam,

The basic truth of this is that the accident was not your fault. A dangerous piece of farm equipment was left accessible to you as a young boy, and you jumped on it to show everyone how you could handle it. A LOT of boys would have done the same thing in order to get attention and praise. The accident that followed was entirely the result of the negligence of whoever left the tractor running.

Your parents should have sought grief counselling years ago, and above all the family should have united to face the tragedy of Jimmy's death together. That's what a family is all about, and tt was the responsibility of your parents to make sure this happened. Instead, one turns to alcohol, the other seeks refuge in permanent rage and blames his own mistake on his other son, and the room you and your brother shared gets turned into a shrine. If that isn't a total default of parental responsibility, well, then we need a new definition of the word "irresponsible".

Are you still seeing that T you went to a few times? If so, this would be an important topic to raise. This tragedy was NOT your fault, and the T would be able to help you with ways to face and heal from your family's terrible attitude towards you.

Much love,
Larry
 
Adam:

I don't know if this would be a good or bad thing for you...as I read about your family and the way they handled the tragedy of your brother's death, I was reminded of a movie I recently watched "Walk the Line" which is about the singer/songwriter Johnny Cash. If you haven't seen it, please be forewarned that it might be a trigger for you and please watch it with someone who is a caring friend. At any rate, when Johnny Cash was a young child (somewhere around 10, but I can't remember for sure), he lost his older brother because of an accident. His father blamed him and raged and said things like the wrong son died, etc. I found the movie to ultimately be very hopeful, though, because in the end, after some VERY hard times, he came to trust and rely on others and went on to live a powerful life.

And, although I am not as articulate as Larry, ditto to everything he just said in the post before mine.

I just thought of something else. My ex-husband had ANGER issues. He would explode out of the blue, and one of the triggers was when one child hurt another "on accident". You know the kind of thing that can happen: a finger gets caught in a door, somebody trips over someone else and falls down...my ex-husband seemed to need someone to BLAME for everything. So, instead of taking care of the hurt child, he would start yelling at the one who did the "damage". I would be tending to the injury and would confront him later and ask him how in the hell did he think that behavior helped anybody....well, that is just one of the many reasons why he is my EX-husband. I only use it as an example to point out that HIS behavior was not appropriate, and neither was the behavior of your parents.

Clem
 
Clem,

I think the example of your ex-husband will help Adam and I'm glad you brought it up. The common point would seem to be that rage-driven behavior is always going to look for a victim to blame rather than for a solution to the problem.

That is so cruelly unfair and damaging, since the victim will usually be defenseless rather than guilty.

Much love,
Larry

(Edited to correct a mistake that offended another member, see below.)
 
Larry:

I was going to let this go, but when I exited the board, it really bothered me...anyway, it was probably a typo, but it was NOT my father with rage issues...he was a wonderful, loving man and a great example of integrity and caring. It was my ex-husband who had rage/anger issues. What bothered me was if anyone else were to read your post and think it was my dad...(in other words, what you said didn't bother me...just the impression it might create in others.) You are exactly right about the results of the behavior, though, no matter who it came from...a victim to blame rather than a solution to the problem...NOT FAIR.

Clem
 
thanks so much everyone for responding ,when my mind goes to this subject it just kinda freezezs up ,i once asked my dad if i could trade places with my brother ,if i died could jimmy come back . for three years i sat in that room staring at what i had done .at one point my dad told me not to tal;k to him or talk when he was in the house ,so for about a year i didnt speak to anyone ,the school i guess made them take me to a shrink but i didnt talk to him either.sorry i dont have a clue where i'm going here
 
Clem,

I am so glad you DIDN'T let it go! It was a very bad mistake on my part and it needed to be corrected. I have done that now, and my apologies for any hurt I have caused you.

Much love,
Larry
 
Adam,

i dont have a clue where i'm going here
Click to expand...
I think what you are doing is something very healthy that could do you a lot of good. You are exploring the whole issue of Jimmy's death and your role in blame for it.

When you first started to discuss this here, your emphasis was on what "I did" and you accepted blame for your brother's death without question. Now you are looking at things in terms of what "My father said/did...". That's exactly what needs to be thought about now.

What happened was a terrible tragedy, yes, but the task after Jimmy's death was for the family to grieve and heal together, without anger or casting blame. It was your father's job to help you face your own grief and come to terms with what happened. Hopefully there is something of that in what you are seeing now.

Much love,
Larry
 
(((Adam)))

I cried when I read this story,
I also cried for little (((Jimmy))).

Why they could ever be so heartless
as to blame you is terrible, none of
this was any of your fault.

How they could not shift their love
onto their little adam, and leave him
to think it was his fault is pretty
bad.

There is so much selfishness in how they
went about not caring for the son the
had left.
I am going to be shorter than I wanted
to be here.

I just know that you are a very unselfish
guy, and this family will always NEED you.

I will light a candle tonight for jimmy, he
is safe now.

Keep little adam safe too, he is going to
get stronger,

ste

PS - I cry for all the other little kids who
face hurt in their World.
 
thans for you response ste. i guess all i can do is give up on my one time family and make sure i dont become like them . you know what ? i dont think jimmy would be too happy with them ,he'd be so pissed ,he always watched out for me . called me his shadow ,his friends would say hey there's that shadowkid ,hence my nick . god i miss him . adam
 
Adam, I know you call yourself shadow.
I am just the shadow of little ste.
Belieive me it hurt someatimes when he visit child life and how he is hurting.

I guess little ste just not want anyone to go through what he did.
Should really say, what yoou did, hard to be there adam, hard to be in that place.

I wrote something here about jimmy, but he is OK,

ste
 
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