need advice please

need advice please
S

shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
i dont know if anyone here can help me ,but my question is if you had a child that for whatever reason you had to leave,behind and go on with your life ,would you be upset if that kid contacted you like 10 years later? do you think the kid would have the right to be back in your life?or should he just leave you alone? i have found information that makes it possible for me to contact my mom ,but she has made no effort to contact me since she left ,i am told she has a nwe life now and i wonder if i should just stay out of it .i was 11 the last time i saw her ,she was in jail at the time.i cant decide if i should talk to her or not.all i want from her is the answer to one question ,why she has not tried to find me in all theses years. thanks shadow
 
Shadow,

That question could generate a million posts man! Here I would just say that perhaps you ought to leave this one aside for awhile and concentrate on your recovery. When you are in a stronger situation you can return to the issue of your mother anytime you like, but right now I get the feeling you are very vulnerable and fragile. If a contact with your mother goes wrong, it could cause you enormous hurt, and to be honest bro, right now I think that's the last thing you need.

That said, sure, I think you have every right to get back into her life or at least to ask your questions. Your right to know these things absolutely trumps any possibility that she might be upset. You are her son, after all.

Much love,
Larry
 
i suspect she hasnt tried to find you, because she feels you are better off. people that have problems severe enough to lose thier children, usually feel pretty messed up. they take comfort in the idea that thier kids are better off with someone else.

as far as seeking her out, i will offer this. i like Mic Hunter's advice on confronting people or coming out to people. you have to be prepared for the worst going in the door, and you have to know what is in it for you. what will you gain from it? i think you have to mentally prepare yourself to be completely rejected, so if that happens you come out of it okay. you have to be strong enough, and confident enough in your ability to go on that you can handle that. only then should you take the next step. i think you have a ton to gain by aproaching her, but you have to be ready if she rejects that. hope it helps. jeff
 
Adam,

My siblings and I are adopted - all 4 of us. I always knew I was adopted and it was never an issue for me but I was always curious about my blood heritage. When I became pregnant at 24, the urge to find out some history was overpowering. My mother, who was the greatest woman in the world understood my need. We went to together for an appointment at Catholic Charities which was the organization that handled all of our adoptions. They had recently (18 years ago) begun a program whereby if both parties wanted to reconnect, they would do all they could to make it happen. Very long story short, I was put in touch with my birth mother and we have a relationship to this day. It is not a mother/daughter relationship. As far as Im concerned, Mom is an earned title and one of honor. She is a good mother to her two sons, not to me. She is a nice enough person with tremendous problems of her own (btw, many resulting from childhood sexual abuse), but our relationship is civil, sometimes friendly, but always distant.

My sister, inspired by what I did, sought out her birth mother. She was looking for much more than I and it turned into a complete disaster. Again, very long story short, the woman wanted - no demanded - that my sister treat her as Mom. Ridiculous - we a had great Mom already. The woman became a stalker and my sister had to get a restraining order against her.

The point of telling you this is that you never know what youre going to find. I was looking for information and found a nice acquaintance. My sister was looking for a bit more, but found a nightmare.

It might be a good idea to wait a bit until your thoughts are clear on exactly what your purpose in contacting your birth mother might be. Write a letter with all of things you would want to say - just throw up all of your thoughts and feelings and put them on paper then, put that letter away for a few days. Re-read it and edit it as many times as you feel you need to. When its perfect, decide if you really want to send it to her.

Adam, youve had so much come at you in the last few months. Youre dealing which is critical to the rest of your life. Please tread very carefully around anything that might mess that up. Just because you have the information to contact her, doesnt mean you have to do it now. Wait till youre ready.

Just as another example in my life, Ive also spoke to my birth-father, who by all accounts is a good guy. That was several years ago. I dont have contact with him, and weve never met, although I could at any time. Why? I dont know. Ive met my birth-mother and her family but Im not prepared to meet him. Something in me keeps telling me that Im not prepared to do that so I listen to myself.

Listen to yourself and do things as you are prepared to face them. Contact with your birth mother would be major and you need to be prepared for whatever comes your way.

ROCK ON..............Trish
 
trish thanks so much you are right ,just wish i had read this before i decicded to contact her ,i kinda jump first ,then look to see where i'm gonna fall .someday i'll learn to wait ,patience not something i have much of.thanks again. shadow
 
Shadow,

I really like Trish's idea of writing a letter. Just let out whatever you want to say; let your feelings about all this flow.

This will be useful even though you have already contacted your mother. Looking at an honest letter after a few days will answer a big question: What do you want from this contact? What do you need? Are you looking for a confrontation, or are you hoping to get her back into your life?

Much love,
Larry
 
I am adopted and I never thought to look for my biological parents until I was in my mid thirties.

The reason I started thinking about it was because I was placed in an abusive home and I have had a pretty rough ride as a result.

i wanted to see where I came from and get some answers how this happened to me- I thought that as an adopted child I had a little more "right" to ask "why me"--because people had to go to a lot of trouble to get rid of me and then a lot of trouble to fly accross the country to come get me after YEARS of adoption process...all to be abusive....it's another dimension of sick and crazy and self involved...My father was emotionally abusive- that lead to my being open to outside sexual preditors.
I think it is my right in a way to know who these people are and who I am- as it is every person's right to know who they are- your mother is 50% of your identity.

BUT --- I could not have faced these people- and still have not begun to look- when I was in the thowes of recovery--- i have to confront my abusive father now and I am preparing for that. It is months away-- I have gotten a lot of books on the subject and am making a safety plan with the therapists and the counselors and a whole two weeks around it to be ULTRA SAFE. I make sure I know what my expectations are - I know I will be invalidated and rejected. I know that I will have to set a no contact bounarary. I have to be prepared for that.

You have a right- but you have an obligation to keep yourself safe and go find her with a PURPOSE for YOURSELF.

Much luck and warmth,

Bunny
 
you know what i really wanted from my mom? i wanted her to have a reasonable explaination for never trying to find me after the abuse and after she got her life back together. why didnt she care enough to suffer with me instead of just checking out of my life.i know the drugs and the legal stuff took her away from me but 3 years later she started her life over ,i was 14,and miserable in foster care ,was it too late for her to be my mom? as you can see i spoke to my mom ,i want to post the conversation ,just to see if this is the way parents are supposed to be . but i hate wasting space here for stupid stuff like that .shadow
 
Oh, shadow, you would not be wasting space! This is YOUR space in a community of people who care about what you are feeling and experiencing. For me, I am a mom of three kids and I can't imagine leaving them for any circumstance. So, you write what you want and what you need to write. We will be here for you.
 
Adam,

There is nothing I can say that would make you feel better. There is also no "reasonable explanation" that your mother could have given for her failures. I am so sorry that she didn't give you what you were looking for. I'm sorry you have been hurt yet again.

YOU have the strength to work through everything. YOU have survived this far on your own and YOU will survive and thrive into the future. The people who should have protected you and loved you in the past are the ones who failed, quite miserably, but YOU have survived.

Any army of one is very lonely sometimes, but the upside is that you always know exactly who has your back. Look to the people in your life now who you trust and who care to help you through. You get to make those choices now. They are not made for you by an accident of birth or circumstance.

Say whatever you need to say whenever you feel the need to say it and we will all be here for you.

ROCK ON.......Trish
 
ok i'll try to get this down ,when i was about 8 years old my brother died in a farm accident ,neither of my parents ever got over his death ,while my dad became bitter and blamed me ,my mom sunk into booze first then later drugs ,up to the time my brother died she was my best friend ,she kept me company while my dad and brother did things together which in the end helped cause the accident.after 3 or 4 years of my mom drinking and my dad telling me it was my fault ,we moved to california,not long after my mom found drugs and just kinda checked out ,the last time i saw her i was 11 and i went to see her in jail ,then the abuse happened,i landed in foster care and never saw her again.god this is gonna be long sorry.i guess i should have been more diplomatic about calling her but when i found her on the net i was so excited ,maybe there is one person left who can be my family .so i called her two days ago i guess it was ,this is the conversation we had .
when she answered the phone i didnt know what to say ,so i said hello mrs.---she is remarried ,she said yes ,i said this is adam,she said adam? yes your son adam ,she said adam? oh dear god! then nothing ,so i said hello? she said i'm here but it cant be it just cant be adam ,i said yeah mom its me ,she said but its been so long how did you find me ?i told her it was easy took about an hour on the net. but how adam i changed my name ? well dad knew your new name somehow.oh god adam!!she was crying ,oh adam how are you ?well i'm ok i just wanted to talk to you again.adam little adam its not possible .yeah its me mom .well mom i just wondered if you knew the stuff that happened after you left?oh adam i didnt just leave ,dont you remember ? i did lots of stupid things after jimmy died honey ,i ended up in jail ,yeah mom i remember talikg to you through the glass on that phone ,i'm sorry i cried that day,honey its allright ,i didnt want to be away from you but the court took you away while i was in jail,your grandmother told me what they did to you ,honey i'm so sorry but by the time i got out you were in foster care and i thought that was best for you. honey i did think about you and wonder if you were ok .yeah mom i missed you too foster care sucked! adam you know your father blammed you for jimmys death so it was not good for you to be with him but honey i never blammed you it was an accident we all know that. mom why didnt you try to find me when you got out? adam when i got out of jail i went to rehab ,no court would have given you back to me ,adam i had to start over and build a new life ,yeah mom without me! mom how could you just forget me? i waited for you for so long mom .adam i had to forget all the bad things that happened jimmy dying loosing you it was all just too much i had to forget to go on . but what about me mom ?do you know what they did to me? adam please!!i dont want to hear this please!ok mom i wont talk about it but when can i come see you? adam i dont want to hurt you you know that ,but i have a new life now honey ,i have a husband and a son he is 7 years old .they dont know anything about my past ,so you see i cant just tell them i have a son ,a 21 year old son .you understand right honey? i have a brother? yes adam he is your half brother.he is my brother when can i meet him?!adam honey thats just not possible. but mom he should know he has a big brother!adam i cant go back and change what happened ,but i wont let it destroy the life i have now,please adam for my sake ?i dont want my son to know the way you lived or the things that happened to us ,honey dont you think it would be easiser if you just go on with your life and let me go on with mine? honey its too late for me to be your mom you understand right?adam it has been good talking to you but please dont call again ok?
no mom its not fucking ok!you cant just act like i never existed ,you could have come for me when i was in foster care i waited for years for you to come get me,maybe you can just forget,but i cant ,i cant forget seeing my mom in jail,i cant forget being raped and beaten almost to death,i cant forget being in a strange place crying for my motheri cant forget that you never loved me!the nightmares wont let me forget!adam please your an adult now you need to get over all of this.yeah just get over it right? well maybe i should just talk to your new husband instead of you maybe he will let me see my brother? adam please if you ever cared about me just let me live in peace.ok mom i guess i owe you that much huh? after all you've done for me right? i'm sorry i bothered you but tell me was it as easy to forget jimmy?adam i'll never forget either of you ,my sons name is james,oh i see so you didnt forget jimmy just me huh? you had no right to use jimmys name ,i think your just a selfish bitch and i feel sorry for your new son .yeah then she just hung up on me . sorry this is just another whinning post from shadow
 
Adam,

A lot of times these conversations between a parent and a child the parent has given up years ago don't go very well. Your mother is out of line, of course, but her reaction doesn't surprise me. She messed up and she thought her past life was going to just disappear.

What you do next will depend on what you want bro. One thing you could do is call her again and say it's unfortunate we got off on the wrong footing, and could we meet somewhere, for example, for lunch. Let her ease back into the idea that her son really is around again.

The danger here, Adam, is that maybe she really doesn't want to face up to her past. If that scares her enough, she may well be unwilling to let you back into her life. That would be terrible, but it is possible.

Are you still seeing that T? If so this would be a good subject to discuss. It's very important that you not feel that any bad results from this contact reflect on you as a person. This is entirely your mother's screwup.

Much love,
Larry
 
Adam.......don't please don't presume that just because your parents were miserable failures in their #1 responsibility, of protecting you, and of their #2 responsibility, of letting you grow up in a loving and nurturing environment, that it reflects in some way of who YOU are.

Certain traits breed true. Dark-eyed parents tend to give their kids dark eyes, big and tall parents tend to pass on the same traits, etc. But some things have NOTHING to do with with parents, like character, kindness, caring, respect, capacity to love, willingness to forgive, etc.

I'm ususally not so lavish in my praise of someone, but you need to hear it after this post with your mom it seems. Adam you CHOSE to be the person you are in so many ways, and THAT is what sets you apart from the parents that have abandoned you.

Give your mom a couple weeks to brood over that conversation. I won't be suprised if she had regrets about it. In a couple of weeks, write or call her and tell her that it's just you against the world, and that you still love her, and how much she means to you. If that doesn't break though her shields, I don't know what will. Either way, you're still on top. You tried.....and it took a lot of nerve to call her.....I salute you.
 
Adam,

I just found this thread. My heart aches for you, Bro. I'm sorry it happened like that. Like Larry tho, it doesn't surprise me.

One of the most basic rights a child has in this world was ripped away from you years ago. That is the right to grow up in a caring, loving family where the welfare and safety of the children comes above all else. I know how much you hoped for a positive response from your mom. You didn't get it and it's as if it's happened all over again.

Please know that you have a bunch of guys and gals here who love and respect you for the kind, compassionate, and loving man we've come to know you to be.

I wish you the best with whatever happens from here. I'm here in your corner buddy. You've had one hell of a bumpy ride so far, but you are capable of making it through.

Hugs,

John
 
Adam,

The only thing I can think to say is that you were a child worthy and deserving of love, a fact that did not change because of your mother's many inabilities. You deserve so much better.

John
 
Adam

I also think this would be a good one to discuss with a therapist and go through all the pros and cons of any next steps you want to take.

Your mother sounds very fragile and not able to cope well with her life as it is, otherwise she wouldn't want to write a false history for herself to present to the people in her life.

I don't think this doesn't mean she doesn't love you on one level but her love is riddled with inadequacies and as John says you deserve better. I think your energies are best spent building relationships with other people who can love you properly.

I'm so sorry that you have this extra hurdle, your mother is missing out on so much by not having you in her life, possibly more than you will by not having her in yours.

Lots of love

Thinking of you

Tracy
 
Tracy,

Your support and understanding for survivors here is such a blessing to us all. I'm sure I'm not the only one who can FEEL the affection you express as you write. This post to Adam is so typical. I just thought you should hear that.

Much love,
Larry
 
Adam:

I think it was very brave of you to contact your mom. Every person wants to believe that the person who brought them into this world loves and accepts them. So, your desire to receive acceptance from your mom is understandable to everyone on this site. What you received instead was heartbreaking to read about and must have been devastating to experience.

When you are involved in the situation, it is hard to step back and see these kinds of issues, but I so agree with the previous post. Her reaction is a reflection of her issues and emotional meagerness. Her reaction is not a reflection of YOU or your worthiness as a person. You have value and are lovable. For whatever reason (that have nothing to do with you), she is unable to give (feel?) love.

My heart is with you, Adam, and I grieve for you loss.
 
thank you all i been kinda staying away from this thread because i dont know what to say or think .but thanks so much for yout kind words adam
 
Adam,

I think this thread is something important for you in particular, since, because of a course of circumstances that are absolutely not your fault, you have to deal with a lot of people with serious negative issues of their own.

The point to bear in mind here, my friend, is that we are not defined by the problems of other people. It is a terrible thing to be rejected by your own mother, but that IS, at the end of the day, her fault and not yours.

I hope you will espress how you feel here Adam, even if you feel confused at the moment. Talking about these things DOES help.

Much love,
Larry
 
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