Need advice for new relationship with male survivor of rape as an adult

[emusguy]

New to this site. I'm a gay man in a relationship with a male survivor of rape by trusted people. He regularly spins in a dark space of deep mistrust of me, assuming I'm setting him up and that all this love and safe space and empathy is just a ruse. It manifests in many forms. I am doing all I can to be his biggest supporter, teammate, loving partner, and I'm struggling. I fear my support isn't enough, and I hurt with being mistrusted when its a holdover from other people that betrayed him, yet I am mistrusted. I just want to help him feel safe and loved and see him have a happy life.

I've educated myself of RTS, hypervigilence, and various other subjects he has mentioned. I'm learning a lot and he's told me that no one has ever put so much effort into SEEing him like this, and yet he still very regularly gets deeply stuck in deep mistrust that i'm setting him up, lying to him, secretly cheating, taking his things, etc. My heart breaks every time b/c he's becoming the great love of my life, and I want to be the best partner I possibly can be to him.

Any guidance from other partners of gay male survivors? Anything would be extremely helpful. THANK YOU.

 

[mmfan]

You asked for advice from partners of gay male survivors, I am the cis female partner of a hetero male survivor so I hope you don't mind my responding here, but I can relate to what you wrote. Trust takes a loooooong time to build after profound betrayal. Not only is rape traumatic but betrayal on top is like trauma squared. My partner also goes down this rabbit hole when triggered. Will state that he's being "built up to be torn down". It happened very frequently at the start of our relationship. It would almost seem like he was seeing someone else in my place, instead of me, and talking to someone else. It was eerie.

About 10 years later it really only happens maybe a couple times a year, and less severe and shorter duration than in the past. So there is hope for improvement. I will remind him, "Look at the evidence. Look how trustworthy I have proved myself to be. Look at all we've been through in 10 years." Or, "I know you were betrayed horribly by (them). But I am not (them). I will never do that to you." It's frustrating I have to say that. Shouldn't it go without saying? Well, it doesn't go without saying, because he WAS betrayed. His fears are NOT unfounded. That is the horrific reality. It is heartbreaking.

For example ,several years ago, I was suffering some unwanted overtures from a male coworker who was senior to me. Not quite harassment but heading there. I am a survivor myself and these occurrences left me feeling intimidated and triggered, and I confided in my partner. Instead of providing support, my partner flipped out and accused me of desiring this coworker and encouraging the advances. It was horrible. He wouldn't drop it for weeks and it even escalated into him shouting, "I know you're lying, just admit you f#cked him" or something along those lines. No matter how much I tried to convince him, he was stuck in a trigger spiral. Communication deteriorated until I had to cut all communication for 2 weeks. That was the worst it's ever gotten for us, luckily. Thank goodness, things have improved a lot since then and the trust we've built is solid. Sometimes just speaking in a gentle voice will help him to get grounded again.

Keep doing what you are doing, as you are doing all the right things. And, if it becomes too upsetting for you and detrimental to your wellbeing, you might find you have to set boundaries and take a break until he can ground himself enough to have constructive communication again. Try to remember it's not personal and isn't about you (very, very hard to do when you are getting accused of things, and your character is being maligned, I know).

 

[emusguy]

You asked for advice from partners of gay male survivors, I am the cis female partner of a hetero male survivor so I hope you don't mind my responding here, but I can relate to what you wrote. Trust takes a loooooong time to build after profound betrayal. Not only is rape traumatic but betrayal on top is like trauma squared. My partner also goes down this rabbit hole when triggered. Will state that he's being "built up to be torn down". It happened very frequently at the start of our relationship. It would almost seem like he was seeing someone else in my place, instead of me, and talking to someone else. It was eerie.

About 10 years later it really only happens maybe a couple times a year, and less severe and shorter duration than in the past. So there is hope for improvement. I will remind him, "Look at the evidence. Look how trustworthy I have proved myself to be. Look at all we've been through in 10 years." Or, "I know you were betrayed horribly by (them). But I am not (them). I will never do that to you." It's frustrating I have to say that. Shouldn't it go without saying? Well, it doesn't go without saying, because he WAS betrayed. His fears are NOT unfounded. That is the horrific reality. It is heartbreaking.

For example ,several years ago, I was suffering some unwanted overtures from a male coworker who was senior to me. Not quite harassment but heading there. I am a survivor myself and these occurrences left me feeling intimidated and triggered, and I confided in my partner. Instead of providing support, my partner flipped out and accused me of desiring this coworker and encouraging the advances. It was horrible. He wouldn't drop it for weeks and it even escalated into him shouting, "I know you're lying, just admit you f#cked him" or something along those lines. No matter how much I tried to convince him, he was stuck in a trigger spiral. Communication deteriorated until I had to cut all communication for 2 weeks. That was the worst it's ever gotten for us, luckily. Thank goodness, things have improved a lot since then and the trust we've built is solid. Sometimes just speaking in a gentle voice will help him to get grounded again.

Keep doing what you are doing, as you are doing all the right things. And, if it becomes too upsetting for you and detrimental to your wellbeing, you might find you have to set boundaries and take a break until he can ground himself enough to have constructive communication again. Try to remember it's not personal and isn't about you (very, very hard to do when you are getting accused of things, and your character is being maligned, I know).

Do i mind?! NOT AT ALL!! I'm grateful! I love him so much and just want to help. THANK YOU for sharing with me.

 

[Pollux]

I don’t have any advice; I am the survivor in our relationship.

I just wanted to say that I read this and that I am sorry both of you are going through this.

@mmfan I’m sorry for the situation you two are in, also.

 

[emusguy]

I don’t have any advice; I am the survivor in our relationship.

I just wanted to say that I read this and that I am sorry both of you are going through this.

@mmfan I’m sorry for the situation you two are in, also.

Thank you for the replies, all. I showed this post and replies to my partner, and he was moved by the compassion. It feels good to just get some validation that this is not a unique experience and that it is something that can be and is managed by other people in the world.

If there is anything I can be doing to better support my survivor partner, I would welcome any thoughts. Much love to all.

 

[WG]

emusguy - I applaud you for staying. I'm a survivor and it always seemed like others were leaving me - my folks, my perpetrator, friends, etc. Actually it was the experience of how life has to work : people come and go. Relationships change, it's a road we sometimes don't like walking down but we have to.
The feelings/behavior that your S/O is exhibiting will be lifelong. There will be good days and bad days. He is learning that the information he had earlier in life was a lie. He is learning who and what to trust. He might say he doesn't trust you.....he's saying, more than likely, that he has a hard time trusting. It really is not you.
You can't anticipate the way someone will recover. It all takes time. Be kind to yourself - find one or two people whom you trust that you can talk with. Not your S/O and not his or your family. They're all too close to it. If you're unable to locate these type of people, then begin asking at a therapist's office. Sometimes they have a resource you can access.
Hope this helps.