Need a little help

Need a little help
B

breakinfree

Registrant
I have a few questions and I hope someone can help me with them.. I am not far along this road I am growing slowly inside. I have been trying to find a way to express my pain, I have never been open. Certainly never showed any true emotion and now I have so much anger inside over all of this. Yes, some directed towards my abuser for the SA but more so for what was taken from me. The fact that someone so close to me could essentialy take my life from me in exchange for his few minutes of perverse pleasure enrages me. Inside my heart pounds so hard I am waiting for my ribs to split into pieces, the anger rages inside. I picture throwing a tantrum and tearing thru walls, exploding in a fury. Yet I have no way to release it, I have no experiance in it. How do you let it out, how do you free yourself from this. I hate this, I hate it all so f'n much. I know this is what I have to do is let it out and work thru it but I am shaking inside. Today I feel weak, a victim-held down.. I woke today trembling inside, standing on the train my legs were shaking. All I wanted to do was slide down to the floor. I have so many feelings all at once. Like getting hit by a tornado of feelings, filled with so much debris. I am in its path and getting slammed with them all..How do I free them, I am tired, tired of containing it all. I don't want, actually I refuse to be held down anymore. I want my life. I have lost 24yrs, never to be relived..I am 32 and my life is beginning??? That is not right, I hate what was taken, not just my innocense, but my perception of life. I will live MY life. I am stronger than any of this, and I will make it. Beware anyone that tries to slow me down. As you can see, my mind is so scattered, a mix of feelings and strengths, of pains and weakness..thnx for letting me vent...ugh
Chris
 
Chris, you are not alone. Things will get better - I know that can sometimes be hard to see where you are now, but they will. Someone told me that when I was in that chaotic state.
It took me a long time to realize that it is precisely what I was doing - letting it out. An explosion of emotions and thoughts that batters you around until you don't know which end is up anymore - all those things were pushed under the surface. But now they're starting to come up.
I know its not a lot of consolation right now, but its a good sign that you are taking steps on your path to healing.

I don't know if anyone else did something different - but the only way I could move through that chaos was one step at a time. With time, and a lot of little steps, it has lessened more and more.

Hang in there. It will get better.

Dave
 
what you are expressing is part of this. i have been there, and i am sure many others are going to say they have as well. slowly, things will come into focus with help. that confusion is finally what drove me to go get it. i wanted some peace. working with my T, i have slowly sorted through the jumbled up feelings. you take one thing at a time and unravel it. slowly the anger ebs as you dish it out where it belongs, and change the way you look at things.

i found writing letters helped me. i wrote one to my mother, one to my abuser, and another to the first girl i acted out with. it all helps. it is kind of a compulation of a lot of little things.

you are not alone. anger can be consuming at times, and the confusion only makes it worse. if you havent got one, find yourself someone to talk to. then try to be kind to yourself while you give it time to sort out.

take care of yourself
jeff
 
Chris.

The train? Like the "T"? Brother, I am so familiar with that. :D

Chris, I think everyone here has felt the "tidalwave." It sucks, bro. It will ALWAYS suck. And there's no easy way around it. Manoman, I wish there was.

As cliche' as this is, the one quote that keeps me going is, "this too shall pass." And it does, eventually, and you'll notice the little things that make life beautiful and calm you down. Like a sunrise that's particularly stunning, or the child who makes you laugh for no reason, or the person who gives you extra space on the subway (hey, it can happen! :D ).

Brother, you'll get through this. You have strength that is beyond words. I have faith in you, and so does everyone here.

Peace and love, my brother,

Scot
 
I used journals/blank books. I let out as much anger as I could through my pen. I set no boundaries, didn't try to use it like a conventional journal.

Sometimes I almost scratched holes through the paper (I think I actually did a few times). Sometimes I just raged, nothing particularly coherent. Sometimes little more than angry doodles and scratches.

Didn't write with the intent of going back and reading it again though I suppose that is another use.

It helped also to be able to vent with a therapist. Helped me understand my rageful feelings. Allowed me to say anything I felt like saying without judgement. And helped me work through it.

Anger is okay. It is a perfectly natural response to what happened and what was taken away from us.

You are not alone. Hey, I'm 50 and the SA started when I was 4. That said, it doesn't matter at all when it started, how old we are. There is no point in counting up the years because the effect is the same if it happened a year ago or 40 years ago.

Please keep writing here. I've never been judged for anything I've written here (and I write a lot, I think).

Instead, guys here have given me nothing but support and understanding. And that means a lot coming from guys who have experienced the same thing. They know exactly what I am trying to say and sincerely feel for the pain and anger I am feeling sometimes when I write.

Brett
 
To all my new friends,

I am grateful for all of you, and most of all for my angel. I have lived 24yrs closed off to everything good and bad, I have been 2d. I have never felt such understanding or compassion ever. I just have some days, well more so everyday just parts of it when I feel like it is crushing me. Opening up to my GF and then to you all has stirred so much inside of me. I am trying to find my way thru all this crap. It blows my mind all the feelings I have held on to. I am so angry and hurt inside. Talking with my Angel(gf) and seeing how she truely listens and cares, and expressing myself on here has made such a difference in me. I have so much to work thru, so many things left me very confused for a long time. My GF and I have been talking and we both feel as though as hard as all this is this is like Spring for me, and for us. We are healing from alot of hurt I caused her thru my cowardice living. I could go on forever kicking myself. It is the spring of my/our life, and slowly the buds are pushing their way thru the dark and dirty soil. Hopefully they will give way to something truely beautiful. Thank all of you for giving me something I value more than any material good. Friendship and understanding. I never felt either until my "spring". I have been alone inside myself for as long as I can remember. My dad was a s.o.b. who PA and EA me for as long as I remember. My mom worked very hard to support 5 kids and work nights so she was not available to me and my brother/abuser/selfish bastard took care of the rest as far as pushing me into my hole. I am saying thank you, to all of you. Most of all to my Angel- you have saved me. Thank you all for throwing me the rope, I know I have to climb out on my own, and I will take pride in that. It is just reassuring to have everyone encouraging me all the way...
"the day the lord created hope was probably the same day he created spring" -Bern Williams
 
Breakinfree -

In your last post, you make several references to spring & basically what is rebirth.

*Take a look in the Poetry Section at a posting I initially made on 9th January; called SEASONS. When I wrote it, I think I was pretty much in a similar place to where you are now. You will need to adjust the 'Show Topics From Last 60 or 75 days' to view it (top of the page).

Hope it helps (I'm not a natural poet)...best wishes ...Rik
 
Chris,

It is good that you have gotten on the road, so many of our brothers never do. I am just over a year on the road.

For 26 years I have held all my feelings in. For the first 4 years I let the anger and rage burst out until it hurt someone that I care so very much about. From then on I held in the rage and anger. Having had surpressed the feelings for so long, it is very hard to let them out and be felt and addressed. This is a hard transition to make, from holding them in and hiding them to letting them out and feeling them.

It is a sickening thing that your he did to you, for his own perverted pleasures. You have plenty to be angry at him for. Let it out so it doesn't eat you apart from the inside.

There are so many ways to express and let out the pain and anger. From writing to drawing, from excercise to sports. This is a personal thing that needs to be found on your own to know what works for you. It may be one or several outlets. It is best to have several outlets, in case one is not available at the time.

You are doing the right things now. Venting here and working on these issues that he caused. It is much more constructive than smashing walls apart, something that I have done in the past.

Take care,
Bill
 
chris...

its a bitch at times-----no wonder i cant keep a wife. to fuckin hard on myself at times---thank God for NIKE shoes.......they give good support too.

talk about it; get a good T.....check your options on the statues of your state for the crime that was committed against you. allow yourself to be human...

good crew here----wishing you the power & courage to heal.... :cool:
 
I am not sure that I can give anything like positive words or advice. I can only say the things that people have told me, and I am slowly finding to be truth. It does get better, it does get easier. I do not know that it ever goes away. But, even at my worse now, I am so much better then my best 9 months ago, when first I started dealing with things. I still have troubles with anger, to direct it the right way and not just at myself. But I am starting to even learn better with that. It is possible. It is possible for me, and for you. It will happen. Good luck, and I wish you well.

Leosha
 
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