Nearly acted out...

Nearly acted out...
C

Cement

Registrant
I am in a crisis...a weird crisis...I am performing at the top of my game at work. I am interacting well with my wife and child. I am writing every day, sometimes pages a day.

But on the way home from dropping my son off at school today, I caught the eye of a woman next to me, and she smiled...and I smiled...and we drove next to each other, and I got aroused...and she smiled again...this is my pattern, stay next to her, seduce her playfully, pull down on my shirt as if I am exposig MY breasts...to get her to do the same...then expose myself to her...the first time in months I have gotten that close. I was aroused and playing with myself...and now I am angry.

I found out that an assistant where I work will make the same amount as I do this year. I have built up a whole division to about 200% of what its previous sales were, I have carved a 'prestige' division out of NOTHING. I want to throw up, I want to cry, I am on the verge of tears. I head two divisions and I am going to cry in my office and I don't care. I just want to be left alone.

In the same conversation that my boss let it slip how much the fucking assistant will make, he told me, "I have overheard your calls, you know what you are doing," which is what passes for a big compliment around here. I just want to walk out right now...

Thanks for listening, guys.
 
The good news is that you caught yourself before you actually strayed off course and, even more importantly, recognized the feelings you were having which caused you to lose focus in the first place. That is a big major accomplishment! That's too bad about whats going on at work. Sounds like you also feel pretty unappreciated. Your feelings are trying to tell you something, and you would have missed the message by acting out instead of feeling them. Maybe the cement is starting to get a few cracks in it.

Roy
 
Hi Cement,

It does seem that when all starts to go well, the other side does come calling . . . .

Whether you want to call that other side: insanity, or evil, or chaos, or whatever that other side is . . . . it does have its moments (or longer) with us.

And that lust stuff is sort of funny at times. I never really thought much about it much before because sex has always been a "bad" thing. My girlfriend that I met as part of recovery is usually the start-up, but that is ok with me, and she is pretty hot . . . . but sex is something we do, but I never considered it a good thing.

But probably about 2 months ago, we were all laying in bed all cuddled up, looking at our baby girl, I heard my mouth saying, "You know what? Sex is a good thing." (Since our baby girl was a good result of our sex.) And she leans back and says yeah, sex is a good thing.

So I am getting better. So then here comes the other side . . . .

It was probably not one week later, I start seeing and meeting hot, friendly girls all over the place.

I was walking through a store with a guy I work with, and found myself following along behind this girl with too tight shorts and a really perky, friendly butt . . . you know the kind that backs right up and says HELLO!

And the guy I was with says, hmmmm, boss-man, you thinking about doing some chick-chasing?

That is so not my style. I sort of surprised myself. I thought about the guy that actually is (sort of) the boss of our contracting group. He is a compulsive slut. And it makes him miserable. Has one wife, three kids, and at times, six girlfriends. His life is SO screwed up.

But here is what I have pondered through about it all. It does not matter if it is apples (you know the old forbidden fruit story), sex, drugs/alcohol, coveting (I think that is what they call your feelings about the other guys pay) or anything else . . . .

(I always thought it was funny when an old-time preacher type reads about coveting your neighbor?s ass . . . )

but anyway, the other side is going to try to get you. Especially when you start to "escape" and are starting to do good. But then again, that is its nature; it is what it does.

So this is what I have sort of settled on for mental amusement . . . .

If evil is going to this much effort to try to mess us up (with abuse, lust, coveting, on and on). . . It must mean you/we/me are worth fighting for.

I think probably you are, too.

See you,

Sunshine
 
Dear Cement,

I don't know where to begin:

Congratulations
Danger Ahead
Slow
Yield
Pullover
Stop!

Get out of the car.

Get grounded, however you do that. DON'T WALK OUT OR QUIT YOUR JOB! This too shall pass.

Ditto Roy's words about sorting through, sitting through, what you're feeling. Sometimes when things are going well, we feel "yeah man, no one will know, my secret." Or, were there other triggers?

I hope I have the courage to come here when I'm feeling like you do today.

Congratulations for coming here, for asking for help.

Today was a detour.

Get out the map. Get back on the right road.

You are not alone,

JamesMichael
 
Thanks for the thoughts...

I am really not enjoying these feelings, which have turned from the acting out to just real sadness.

My wife got in a car accident, an hour after my last post, just a few hours ago(she is ok, and the car can still drive). I overfunction in emergencies, and I went into that mode, got a camera, came to her, took her home, got her advil, was ready to stay home to pick up our son if I had to. My mind whirled with the adrenaline rush of survival (that is a positive remnant of my abuse) and I made sure my wife knew everything will be ok.

I am just so tired now, I have come down from that rush. Everything is not ok. I am not ok...I am sad and angry and just so damn mad that I even have to feel it.

An assistant makes what I make? she shouldn't be within fifteen thousand of me...I am hurt, hurt that I bought into the bad fathering aspect of this job, with it's underlying implication that those who work hard will be rewarded. Well, my boss has bitched about this woman's attitude for a year. When presented with the possibility of moving up, she outright said she couldn't handle it. She comes in and leaves on the dot. He bitches about the fact that to make things happen in this business you have to stay late and come in early...Guess what I do? I stay late, I stay till it is done. Puritan fucking work ethic that I resent, and he has it in spades, and I bought into it. But it is a big fake. Whoever bitches the loudest is who gets recognized here.

Thanks for letting me vent...how I got invested in seeking attention and approval from this stand-in lousy father is something I thought I had prgerssed past. I guess I just haven't.
 
Cement
It's just so easy when life gets shitty to backslide into our old comfort zone, just way too easy.

And if we have achieved some degree of recovery, no matter how big or small, the guilt hits us like a train when we slide.

When it happens to me I tear it apart bit by bit and find every small scrap of success. If I stopped short of acting out then I praise myself for the 20% success, even the 5% I praise myself for.
If I'm fighting it at the same time as my alter ego says "do it" I praise myself for those thoughts.
And when it's over I force myself to only think of those tiny scraps of success, I try desperately to avoid thinking about the guilt and shame or the consequences.

You stopped short, what % do you think it was.

Lloydy
 
Wow this is weird. I hadn't seen posts about sexual acting out on this forum before that I could remember, tho I'm fairly new.

Now this is the second one today. And thanks Cement for your open sharing. If you want you can see my post about this in "Dark Fantasies."

Wuame
 
Cement

I'm sure when you found out your wife was in an accident, you couldn't even remember where you worked for a while. I tried for years to validate myself by my work. One time I stayed at work for 30 hours in a row working on a deadline. I didn't feel one bit more validated. One time I applied for a job with 300 people and I got the job, but I still neaded more validation.

Its like drinking salt water, the more you drink, the thirstier you get.

John 4:13-15
[13] Jesus said to her (the woman at the well), "Every one who drinks of this water will thirst again,
[14] but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst; the water that I shall give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
[15] The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst, nor come here to draw."
 
Even as I make see the relationship of frustration and stress to the desire to act out, I cannot figure it out.

I am so logical (and that is NOT a compliment), I expect a sort of scientific approach to the thing. If I just don't act out, I will feel better - or if I reduce stress, the desire will lessen. Lloydy, you make a good point, there aren't absolutes with this; I just can't FEEL it. I can acknowledge it, intellectually, but it doesn't make me feel anty better. I have to take comfort in the 50% failure...it wasn't a complete failure. In fact it is a 50% triumph right? Can someone please tell my heart? I haven't acted out...even as I desired, and continue to desire...

But I am tired, and I cannot figure out how to feel better. Take a few days off...but work is so freaking busy I cannot. OK, I need to examine that word - cannot. That puritan work ethic is an ugly drive, and it taunts the idea of taking care of oneself. 'Angry' is right, the more you drink, the thirstier you get.

So I walk around in a daze. I can't feel much, except anger. I had an anxiety attack Saturday night - I had spent the whole day playing referee to the fifteen or so kids at my house for my son's party. At one point I thought I might need a whip and a chair. So now I feel guilty about honest, seat-of-my-pants adult behavior. And right this second I feel guilty that all these cliches I am using sound vaguely sexual. What a mess...
 
Dear Cement,

Your recent acting-out episode and follow-up post prompts me to want to share the following with you. I hope it speaks to you.

I think male sexuality, specifically Phallos,i.e. erection, is a matter or working with what presents itself, listening to it, not trying to suppress it, repress it, or control it per se. It can present itself often completely unbidden, or we can coax it into existence, but we should then be careful of our intentions. Often it's a gift, sometimes a curse. In any case Phallos makes its presence known. At the very least it should be respected, and put to good, not destructive use. It is a very powerful force and thing, some would say, divine or god-like. I do believe it's Sacred.

Abused men often feel unmanned. (I know I have). Phallos reminds us in a front and center way that, (whatever our orientation) we are men. A great part of the healing for us is a getting reacquainted with this physical and spiritual reality. To a very real extent, to be a man means having a relationship with Phallos...even as it comes and goes. We have to understand this.

I hope this is not too cryptic. If so, I apologize. It's important to me that we know that we are men. Whoever hurt us took away some primal power, direction, identity. In a raw, and even etheral way, It's staring right at us!

JamesMichael
 
I do understand, JM, oddly enough. Acceptance of the tool of destruction, as it were, is not easy. Or, other terms for it - knob, twig and berries, one eyed trouser trout, purple helmeted soldier, 'the one who must be obeyed.' I make fun right now to try to be comfortable with the subject. I believe we share a common dislike for our manhood, or a distrust of it. A healthy attitude towards my penis would undoubtedly serve me well. I thank you for the insight.
 
James
I think I agree with you, a lot our acting out is probably triggered by the normal urge of feeling horny working with - or against - the confused thinking we have about sex / sexuality that results from our abuse.
Throw in the normal everyday stuff that Cement describes, enormous work pressure and kids parties, and it's overload. It was for me anyway. And it sent me retreating into my comfort zone of fantasy, the one that eventually became a nightmare reality.
But my fantasies relieved me of all worry and responsibility. They took me to a world where I was the lottery winner driving my Ferrari to my country residence. Or I was in a position where I had to argue and fight my way out of a situation with nothing more than my "superior intellect" ( duh !! ) and the fighting skills of Jackie Chan ( with a beer gut ? ) Not all my fantasies were about sex, but I do recognise now that they were about power. I was the powerful person in ALL of them, even if my fantasy was about giving total strangers blow jobs, it was MY choice !
And so often when we feel powerless in our daily lives fantasy can relieve us, but as SA victims I believe the fantasies take on a life of their own. We feel powerless at work so we retreat, you can't whip a herd of kids into line, so we retreat. At least this is how I behaved, every problem made me retreat into my fantasies until they took over completely. The traditional seat or symbol of power has for a long time been male and phallic, it's no wonder we're confused.
I'm not even going down the road of the womens movement and it's possible effect on us men ! far too complicated.

Eventually, not only was I believing the fantasies myself but I was telling some of them to other people. I had become a typical bullshitter who would have needed to be 300 years old to have been there - done that to the extent I had. I did keep some of the fantasies private though.....

Cement, I dont acknowledge any absolutes in my life anymore, at least as far as my recovery is concerned. It's a state of flux and what I do is right on the day. I try to only think about my victories - however small. I dont give a fuck about what I do wrong, or how much I fail. I don't spare it a thought anymore. I think instead about any scrap of success I have in that particular episode. If I stop halfway through a fantasy ( wherever that is ? ) I don't feel guilty about it starting, I haven't learnt to stop that yet - will I ever ?? I just try to feel good about stopping it. Guilt versus pride.

And if you stopped short of what you project would be a full acting out episode - then feel good about that. The more you force yourself to think that way the easier it becomes. Forget guilt - who needs it ? I do without most of the time now, don't miss it any I promise you.

Sing your own praises, why not ?
Be strong
Lloydy
 
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