My Yoda therapist helped me yesterday
ForeverFighting
Registrant
I felt stuck in therapy. I mean 11 years, and I'm still here. My T started on his normal, "I can't give you the answers. I could give you 15 suggestions based on what other clients have done, but you and your experiences are different from every other person's experiences. You must find your own way. And whether you know it or not, the answers are inside of you."
I said, "Have any other clients told you that talking to you is like talking to Yoda?" He laughed, we talked about it, and we tried a different method. I look at therapy as a challenge. I pay good money for it, and I want to get well. I don't want to waste time using "the force" if there's some step I need to take to get from here to there. The change worked.
The result was that I got in touch with a painful nerve I had never touched before. I had a flashback like I haven't had in years. We've talked about flashes of memory here. Sometimes I think I concentrate so much on what I can't remember that I ignore what I can remember. The flashback is of what I can't remember--him, my uncle, the act of SA. What I can remember is being a kid. My uncle came to our house, and I remember him coming in the front door. He got down on his knees and played with us. He "rough-housed" with us, I'd jump on his back. That's the nerve. I liked him, looked forward to him coming. I had no reason to fear him. I was afraid of my dad, but not of him.
My parents say that my uncle told them we were annoying kids, always climbing on him and bothering him. That never made sense to me. I got none of those vibes from him. Yesterday it made sense. Even then he was blaming the kid for his own unwelcome feelings. It made me realize why the SA messed me up so bad. He was like a big brother. He played with us. And this new thing he was doing. Was this supposed to be fun? It didn't feel like it was fun. I trusted him. I looked up to him. I had no one else. And then I was covered with him.
That hurts. It's humiliating. Like I trusted and was made a fool for doing so. And suddenly my worth wasn't because he liked me. It was because of my body. The cliff where I was pushed over the edge.
I'll think about it more, but not today.
I said, "Have any other clients told you that talking to you is like talking to Yoda?" He laughed, we talked about it, and we tried a different method. I look at therapy as a challenge. I pay good money for it, and I want to get well. I don't want to waste time using "the force" if there's some step I need to take to get from here to there. The change worked.
The result was that I got in touch with a painful nerve I had never touched before. I had a flashback like I haven't had in years. We've talked about flashes of memory here. Sometimes I think I concentrate so much on what I can't remember that I ignore what I can remember. The flashback is of what I can't remember--him, my uncle, the act of SA. What I can remember is being a kid. My uncle came to our house, and I remember him coming in the front door. He got down on his knees and played with us. He "rough-housed" with us, I'd jump on his back. That's the nerve. I liked him, looked forward to him coming. I had no reason to fear him. I was afraid of my dad, but not of him.
My parents say that my uncle told them we were annoying kids, always climbing on him and bothering him. That never made sense to me. I got none of those vibes from him. Yesterday it made sense. Even then he was blaming the kid for his own unwelcome feelings. It made me realize why the SA messed me up so bad. He was like a big brother. He played with us. And this new thing he was doing. Was this supposed to be fun? It didn't feel like it was fun. I trusted him. I looked up to him. I had no one else. And then I was covered with him.
That hurts. It's humiliating. Like I trusted and was made a fool for doing so. And suddenly my worth wasn't because he liked me. It was because of my body. The cliff where I was pushed over the edge.
I'll think about it more, but not today.